At yesterday’s Hollywood Foreign Press Association Luncheon in Beverly Hills, Nicole Kidman showed up with her hair covered in ginge! Yes, I’m sure Nicole’s weave was yanked out of a dozen Anne of Green Gables dolls, but it’s still ginge so I’ll take what I can get.

And for the first time in a long time, guests at the party didn’t throw salt water on her lips after thinking that mutant slugs were attacking her mouth. So maybe Nicole eased up on her nightly ritual of injecting Antifreeze into her lips. Although, one guest did try to chip off a piece of Nicole’s forehead to put in their cocktail….

Usually when you see a hairless thing running around a church in nothing but a pair of chonies and socks, you don’t expect it to be a 35-year-old grown man! But here’s reformed prostitute Russell Brand popping his birthing hips and flashing his dime nipples outside of St. George’s Church in NYC yesterday. The CDC’s former #1 Most Wanted got down to his Boo Berry panties to shoot scenes for the Arthur remake.

Somewhere up in a computer lab in heaven, God is on Google trying to find out if holy water gets rid of scabies. This house is NOT clean.

If you watch Oprah or Ellen, then you probably have already met this girl right here. This is 18-year-old Filipino singer Charice and she leaped into the hearts of America when she sang on Ellen a few years ago. Charice is going to shoot a guest spot on Glee at the end of this month, and she recently talked to ABS-CBN television about how she’s preparing for the role.

Charice is not preparing by taking acting lessons or by working on a variety of shank side-eyes to throw at the resident set bitch Lea Michele. No, Charice is preparing by getting Botox in her FACE! WHYYYYY?! The Associated Press reports:

Charice Pempengco says she prepared for her debut on the hit TV show “Glee” by getting Botox and an anti-aging procedure “to look fresh on camera.”

The 18-year-old Charice, whose singing career rocketed after appearing on Ellen DeGeneres’ and Oprah Winfrey’s talk shows, underwent a 30-minute Thermage skin-tightening procedure and Botox to make her “naturally round face” more narrow, celebrity cosmetic surgeon Vicki Belo told ABS-CBN television.

Charice, in the same interview, said last week’s face makeover was part of her big preparations for her appearance on the hit show’s second season. She starts filming at the end of this month.

“All people will be anticipating how will Charice look? Is she good enough to pit against Rachel Berry? So of course there is tremendous pressure,” Charice said.

“It’s really a blessing,” she said, adding she was “very proud to be an Asian, very proud to be Filipino.”

More fresh on camera?! Does Charice play a newborn baby on that shit?! Charice looks like she’s an 8-year-old who doesn’t even get wrinkles when she frowns, so how much more fresh-faced does she want to get?

Why doesn’t she just get a silicone titty implant stuffed into her forehead and re-attach an umbilical cord to her belly button, so she can walk around looking like a fetus. She can douse herself in amniotic fluid and nibble on a placenta panini to really make it look believable. You can’t get any fresher than that.

Seriously, in about 50 years the world will be filled with giant walking fetuses.

UPDATE: Charice’s rep says that she didn’t get Botox to freshen up her face. The rep claims she got shot up with Nicole Kidman’s nectar of choice to fix a jaw problem similar to TMJ. The rep explained: “You’ve seen her face – she doesn’t have a wrinkle in it so she wouldn’t need it for cosmetic purposes. The Glee people are thrilled with the way she looks which is why she got the part.”

The Full Bottle Wine Goblet!

It’s the perfect glass for when you need to tell those judgmental bitches around you that you just had one glass of wine before dinner, thankyouverymuch. It’s the perfect glass for when you need to class up your act a bit around the children in the park and NOT drink from a bottle in a paper bag like you usually do. It’s the perfect glass for Maggie Griffin!

And it’s currently on sale on Amazon! The elegant drunk in your life needs this! Specifically, the elegant and pregnant drunk in your life! Here’s a review from Amazon (FYI: She’s just throwing jokes…I think):

I am the third trimester of my pregnancy and I have put myself on bed rest. Any little convenience that helps with repetitive movement is a blessing, as staying in a relaxed state is critical to the well being of both mommy and baby. So having a large glass that negates the need for repetitive pouring of a wine bottle is one of those tiny little aids that helps add up to a state of relaxation. The only thing that could have improved this would have been the inclusion of a very long straw.

I’m not even knocked up and this sold me!

via Gizmodo

Well, this is one way to choke out the lezzie rumors. Tommy Girl’s former face merkin Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem (or Javier BarDAYUM as my horny old auntie calls him) became husband and wife in the Bahamas almost two weeks ago. By Hollywood’s standards, two weeks is forever so my headline is still factual (not really). Penny’s spokeswhore confirms the news to the Associated Press and says that it was a tiny wedding with only la familia present.

The most surprising part of this shit is that as soon as Penny slipped the wedded cock ring on Javier (it’s the only way to go), the news wasn’t immediately transmitted via Twitter whale or some shit. There was no 10-page spread in ¡Hola! magazine. Bitches actually kept their lips shut. That means Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis have been keeping a secret for a while now. She has been looking a little tense in the nipples lately.

And while Penny and Javier were getting hitched on a beach in the Bahamas, her former employer Tommy Girl was down in his dungeon hitching his Scientolohole to a dick on a dude named Javier.

Remember that very special episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse picked up a 17-year-old girl in a club, brought her back to his attic and then tried to get her coked up before offering to lick her cooch? Then Stephanie Tanner walked in on them and screamed “HOW RUDE”? Later, Danny had to sit Stephanie down and explain to her that sometimes when a grown man falls in love with a teenager, he shows that he cares by giving her illegal substances and offers of cunnilingus (laugh track goes here). Remember that? I’m sure your nana has that episode recorded on a VHS tape somewhere.

Well, the Associated Press is reporting that a woman is claiming that this mess actually happened in a hotel room in Florida back in 2004. The woman and a dude are on trial in Michigan for allegedly attempting to extort $680,000 out of John Stamos in exchange for pictures of him doing coke with a bunch of strippers. HAVE MERCY!

Allison Coss claims that when she was a 17-year-old high school student, she met John at a club in Orlando while she was on spring break. Even though Allison told John she was only 17, he still bought her a cocktail and invited her and one of her friends back to his hotel room. Allison claims that shortly after they got to his room, a couple of strippers showed up with a bag of the bad shit. Allison watched John do a few lines with the pussy peddlers. After that, John and Allison made out on the bed for a bit before getting into the hot tub. John got fully nekkid and asked if he could suck on Allison’s illegal vagina. Allison turned John down, which caused him to jump out of the hot tub and break off a bedpost in frustration (that’s not a euphemism). John apologized to Allison and asked her to stay the night, which she did.

For the next few years, Allison and John flirted with each other through e-mails. John then began to receive a series of emails from Allison (pretending to be someone else) threatening to sell a bunch of compromising pictures of him to the tabloids if he doesn’t pay up. John contacted the FBI who confirmed that the emails came from Allison and a dude named Scott Sippola. They were both charged with extortion and the trial is going down right now. John is expected to testify.

The FBI says they never found proof that pictures of John with the strippers existed. John also denies the entire story and says it is made of lies. Basically, it sounds like Allison’s extortion plan crashed into the Tanner family kitchen.

I don’t have a vagina (check my file at the free clinic if you don’t believe me), but if Uncle Jesse offered to eat it, I’d tuck my shit tighter than Gaga at the gynecologist. And more importantly, where was Kimmy Gibbler in all of this?! She was one of the strippers Uncle Jesse did a line off, right?