This is what I get for having a fact checking process that consists of a 3-second Google search where common sense is not allowed to tag along. So, you know that video of a chick getting all 152 profile pictures of her Facebook friends tattooed on her arm? Well, for those of you who screamed the same word a porn star’s clit screams when she busts into a manufactured orgasm while getting humped by Charlie Sheen can pat yourself on your body’s personal like button. Bitch bamboozled us! FAKE and TAKEI.

The hoaxer confessed to the Telegraaf that the viral video that ended up on CNN was just a publicity stunt for a company that makes gifts using Facebook profile pictures. Ho said it was just a temporary tattoo that washed off after two days. It apparently took only a couple of hours to apply.

If I can’t trust a YouTube video of a bitch getting a tattoo that doesn’t leave any swelling or redness, what can I fucking trust anymore? At least T-Pain would never lie to me (but I’m sure he wished he did once whatever bad shit he was on wore off).

When Botox Mom turned out to be Hoax Mom, I figured it was only a matter of time before other shameless moms started flashing their fuckery under the brightest street lamp on the ho stroll. Well, it didn’t take long. 50-year-old Sarah Burge (aka The Human Barbie) bragged to Closer Magazine that for her daughter Poppy’s 7th birthday, she got her a computer, a spa vacation, a crystal ring and a voucher for her to get a tit job when she turns 16. This shouldn’t come as a shock since The Human Barbie openly bragged to the tabloids last year about how she teaches Poppy how to work the stripper pole. Yes, Kris Jenner you have found your spirit animal in Cambridgeshire, England. Run to her.

Wayland Flowers Ghost stuck his hand up The Human Barbie’s ass and got her to say, “Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she’s 16, when it’s legal. If she develops naturally big boobs, she can have something else done with it. Some people think it’s controversial and I get angry when strangers say I’m a bad mother because I don’t think there’s any harm in giving her this gift. Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don’t want Snow White and Cinderella any more. They want to be WAGs and famous like Cheryl Cole and Lady Gaga. I’m just supporting her and making her dreams come true.”

Poppy told Closer that all her friends are jealous and she really can’t wait to get Hefty bags full of silicone stuffed into her chest like her mom!

The Human Barbie, who makes her cash from writing erotic, throwing swingers parties and murdering her daughter’s childhood for a tabloid check, has spent over $100,000 on plastic surgery to look like Barbie. Yes, Barbie. Bitch looks more like a warped Stanley Ipkiss doll in Blaine’s weave and Moxie’s dress, but I guess that’s close enough for her.

I wouldn’t say you were lying if you said The Human Barbie is a monstrous mound of dead flesh who shouldn’t be in charge of raising an old breast implant, but come on. A voucher? Really? Poppy should’ve told The Human Barbie the same thing my mom told me when I gave her a “free car wash” voucher for Mother’s Day one year: “You spent all your allowance money on Pop Rocks and Wuzzles, right?”

This Madam looking creature only got her daughter a tit voucher so that the tabloids and stupid blogs like this one can give her some attention. A voucher ain’t worth shit. But Poppy should still hold on to that voucher and use it when she’s 16 to get a face transplant surgery so nobody will ever know that she’s related to The Human Barbie.

And part of me thinks this is just a performance art PSA produced by Child Protective Services.

via Daily Mail

On the left is Lady GaGa at the CFDA Awards in NYC tonight, and on the right is the legendary Ms. Swan easily winning this pose-off without even trying. In the wise words of Ms. Swan: “He look-a like-a man.”

If the Carver Killer from Nip/Tuck dressed in costume as Melanie Griffith from Something Wild using one a discarded wig found in Nicki Minaj’s back dumpster, he might look like this mess. It took me a few blinks and a couple times saying “Harpo, who dis woman?” to even realize this was the CaCa one herself and not some Asian trick in Cosplay drag. It’s like invisible monster hands are pinching her nose and pulling her eyes. Bitch’s face does not look like her own.

With all that being said, ho gets a couple of points for an impeccable eyebrow situation that even I can’t ignore. It takes several gallons of Clorox and melted down Sharpies to create eyebrows that make a cholita throw up her hands and thank los santos. To a chola, Sharpie brows on a CaCa are like Jesus’ face on a piece of toast.

When I said a silent prayer asking for two child stars of yore to join together in the name of love (and a blurb in UsWeekly), I was thinking more along the lines of Harriet from Small Wonder and Heather from Mr. Belvedere. But sadly, that’s not what we were given. We were given Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen instead. I mean, if you’re going to pair someone from Full House and someone from The Mickey Mouse Club, why couldn’t it have been Kimmy Gibler and T.J.?

Despite the denials from Justin’s rep, a source tells UsWeekly that he’s definitely hooking up with Tangina’s true biological daughter. They apparently spent time together at two Broadway shows, a restaurant and a hotel in NYC. Because Ashley barely broke up with Justin Bartha and Justin Timberlake split from Jessica Biel, the source says they are trying to keep shit on the down low.

This is a pairing as bizarre as cayenne pepper lube. I just cannot picture Ashely Olsen cooing the word “pruuuuuuuune” into Justin’s no-no in the middle of the night. And my thoughts are powered by the top users at Consumption Junction, so I can usually picture some screwed up shit. Justin has to be dating Ashley Olsen as some sort of dare or challenge. Justin wants to make everybody laugh and laughing in a happy tone is against Ashley’s beliefs. This is either going to end with Ashley owning Justin’s soul, or Justin winning the right to cross any bridge at any time.

In a room at Buckingham Palace that was modeled after the lobby of The Bellagio resort & casino in Las Vegas, the Obamas shot the shit with Princess William and Duchess Kate who probably smelled like freshly charred skin and disappointed genitals since they just got back from their honeymoon.

While Kate apologized for her lady-in-waiting Jodie Marsh not being present and Prince William demonstrated with his hands why the hos really love Prince Hot Ginge (just let me believe), the butler in the corner looked at Michelle Obama and wondered if all women in America dress like the flower girl in a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (or like a toddler at a quinceanera).

President Obama and Michelle later met up with Queen Elizabeth, her dude, Prince Charles and Camilla. I love that the Queen is totally one of those old ladies who takes her pocketbook with her wherever she goes, even her front porch. Any wise memaw keeps her purse with her at all times, because you never know when a thieving hand (belonging to Fergie) will dip in to snatch a coin.

And by “by popular demand” I mean one reader who is adamant about seeing more of Bar Refaeli in a bikini on Dlisted. Reader Alan (Hi, Alan!) wrote me an e-mail last week asking for more Bar Refaeli bikini pictures, because Bar Refaeli in a bikini is the hottest thing since pizza cupcakes or something. Alan is serious about his Bar Refaeli bikini pictures. You know, and when you think of Dlisted, you automatically think of Bar Refaeli in a bikini. It’s my mission statement!

Seriously though, it was a little strange to me because Alan can literally go anywhere and see Bar Refaeli in a bikini. If he Googles “Bar Refaeli in a bikini” he’ll have enough Bar Refaeli bikini pictures to keep him fapping until his roof flies off and our alien overloads beam him into their spaceship to take him to a planet where clones of Bar Refaeli in a bikini crowd the landscape.

Bar Refaeli in a bikini is everywhere. I’m sure there’s a Ustream channel devoted to it. When the puppies of the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam take a break, they go and watch the Bar Refaeli in a bikini live stream.

But when I came across these pictures of Bar Refaeli in a bikini in Cannes the other day, it hit me like a bag of hard dicks. Alan has a point! Dlisted definitely needs more of this, so here it is: BAR REFAELI IN A BIKINI!

P.S. – I’m really hoping that since the keywords “Bar Refaeli in a bikini” are in this post at least three thousand million times that Dlisted makes it to page 40 of a “Bar Refaeli in a bikini” Google search. Actually, that last one probably pushed me to page 39, thankyouverymuch!