The birth of Jesus finally makes sense! Jesus was born so that 2000+ years later there could be an Absolutely Fabulous Christmas Special. I wish they would’ve taught me that in catechism. This is the first preview for the special which airs on the BBC around Christmas times. It has absolutely zero Patsy Stone in it, but I guess we’ll take what we can get. My ass is going to be in Italy with my family for Christmas, so I fully expect one of you British bitches (Britches?) to lasso over a cable cord so I can watch this shit. Ruote in fiamme (Translation provided by Google, so if it doesn’t make any sense blame that ho)!

via ONTD (Thanks Ben)

In the costume closet of a community theater somewhere is a rack that’s missing a chorus girl dress from My Fair Lady’s horse race scene….. That’s because Phoebe Price stole it, shoved her farm fresh turducken parts into it and used it to serve up some “C’mon, Dover, move your bloomin’ arse shit!” at the American Music Awards last night. Yes, while your lazy ass was sprawled out on your velour sofa in your Sunday night outfit of torn underwear and a half-shirt with a Pepperidge Farm buffet on your stomach, our very own Chicken Cutlets was seat filling hard for the money (or in this case, for a 0.5 second on live television).

Every seat was filled like it’s never been filled before, the fuckery quotient stayed hugging the roof and the semi-permanent smug on Jaden Smith’s face was temporarily replaced with a look of HUH?! when PP strolled by looking like Rorschach spooged all over Dolly Levi. So I’d say it was a successful night and the hos at the AMAs can thank PP for this! I’m sure they did by letting her keep all the tips she made while working the ladies room during commercial breaks.

And here’s a few very luck hos who might have gotten their chair warmed by the most famous seat filler in the world. In order: Alanis Morissette with Souleye, Benjamin Bratt, Heidi Klum, JHud, Joe Jonas, Katy Perry with Taylor Swift and Jaden Smith.

Last night on Twitter, Tori Spelling’s beady-eyed husband Dean McHerpDerp served his 70,000+ followers a pair of chocolate and buckwheat pancakes when he accidentially posted a picture of his son with his wife’s titty balls chilling out in the background. TITTYBOMB! Ever since my retinas tore into pieces from staring at pictures of Tori looking like a stick of wood with two boiled grapefruits stapled to it, I vowed to keep my eyes away from any pictures of her bare silicone bags, but I looked anyway. The only thing I have to say about breaking my vow is that I’ll never nibble on a pupusa the same way again.

If you really need to see Tori’s tits settling down after breastfeeding (which I’m guessing that’s what they’re doing), then click here or here. I’m not one to defend Tori, but those of you screaming “OMG MOMMA TITTAYS IN FRONT OF A CHILD!!!11!!!” need to stop. That child has stared at Tori’s face every day of his life, so I’m sure a pair of naked breasts won’t scar him.

via TMZ & ONTD

Bradley Cooper’s orthodontist poster smiler and his always glistening coke eyes are blessing People Magazine this week and it’s not for a glorious “Yup, I’m Gay!” cover. It’s not even for a “World’s Sexiest Beard Wrangler” cover. People could’ve dropped a fire in all our no-nos (yes, I’m speaking for all of us again) by giving Prince Hot Ginge the title or they could’ve dropped more fuel into Pimp Mama Kris’ money-hungry charcoal heart by putting the crown on Khloe Kardashian’s head, but they went with B. Coop of all hos. I smell a Garber! If you go to Google Earth right now, type in “People’s World Sexiest Man ballot stuffing,” it will dramatically pan down into a Manhattan office and show you a clear shot of Victor Garber throwing you a wink while sitting on the ballot box. I’ve always said that it’s Victor Garber’s world and we’re just living in it, so I can’t be mad.

People says they chose B. Coop over serial panty creamer Ryan Gosling, because he’s a major mommy boy, a Georgetown graduate and can butter everyone’s baguettes by speaking the French. People also forgot to say that they really chose B. Coop, because his publicist promised to give them the sloppiest blowjob in the form of future exclusives.

After last year’s Mister World’s Sexiest Man Ryan Reynolds handed B. Coop a bouquet of roses, slipped a sash over his chest and straightened his crown, he gave this acceptance speech:

“I think it’s really cool that a guy who doesn’t look like a model can have this [title]. I think I’m a decent-looking guy. Sometimes I can look great, and other times I look horrifying.”

Other dudes who made the list include: Gosling, Brian Williams, Liam Hemsworth, Justin Theroux, Idris Elba, Joel McHale, Chris Evans, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin (???????), Dylan McDermott and Tim McGraw.

To me, B. Coop is about as sexy as a soft dick in a used condom, but anything that gives Victor Garber the tingles gives me the tingles.

The last time Julia Roberts’ tongue tried to twist out a foreign accent (see: the watered down in shit Irish accent she did in Michael Collins) Ireland almost declared war on our asses, and rightly so. So I’m sure some country is going to hate attack us in the face for the jacked up accent she spits up in the other Snow White movie Mirror, Mirror. I’d tell you which country, but I don’t even know what kind of accent she’s trying to make. Is it British? Is it Madge-ish? Is it Muppet? Is it the same accent as the one the Google Translate bitch does? Whatever it is, it’s fucked up.

The rest of the trailer for Mirror, Mirror tells me that if I’m ever going to see this mess in full, I better smoke the wrong stuff out of an apple bong beforehand. All nerves will have to be numbed to deal with Julia’s face acrobats and her signature horse cackle that still sounds like Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked without lube on a seesaw.

Can’t we pluck (not punned on purpose) Brow White from this movie and throw her into the one with Charlize Thereon? Then we can stick this mess into ABC Family right between a PSA on cyber bullying and a tampon commercial.

With a golden child of infinite light who only eats canary diamonds and only wears baby wigs fronted with lace imported from France on the way, Jay-Z has to hustle harder for that money since the billions of dollars he has in the bank surely isn’t enough. Jay-Z’s lips are extra chapped today, because of all the heat his ass is getting for selling Occupy Wall Street t-shirts through Rocawear and donating a grand total of ZERO dollars to the movement. The Occupy Wallet Movement: That’s how the 1% stays in the 1%!

The Wall Street Journal says that after many complained that Jay-Z is filling his pockets with money from a movement he didn’t help to create, the t-shirts were pulled off of Rocawear’s website. Before pulling the t-shirts, Rocawear confirmed to Gawker that they ain’t giving shit to those OWS bitches:

The ‘Occupy All Streets’ T shirt was created in support of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. ‘Occupy All Streets’ is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.

The most surprising thing about this is that Rocawear still exists (and yet Cross Colors only exists in Europe today, shame). The second most surprising thing about this is that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t come up with it first. That sound you hear of a wet steak slowly sliding off of a wall is Pimp Mama Kris’s new face falling off after she punched herself in the head over not coming up with this shit before Jay-Z.

The “While You’re Locked Out Of The NBA, Okkupy Kardashian” t-shirt….. What could’ve been, what could’ve been….