You will finally stop waking up in the middle of the night screaming at the thought of Bongo getting stuffedanimalnapped and sold to a group of deviant Plushies who run an underground Beanie Baby sex slave ring. Because Bongo, the Beanie Baby monkey who went missing in on the streets of Brooklyn last week, was reunited with the crazy couple who raised him as “their son” and offered up $500 for his safe return. How did I not guess that a lady with Leslie Abramson hair was involved in this mess the entire time?

Bonni Marcus and Jack Zinzi live on the Upper East Side, but they were back in Brooklyn this past weekend putting up more flyers when they spotted Luis Barreto (the dude in the middle) hanging out on the street. They asked him about their beloved Beanie Baby. Their broken hearts were glued back together as Luis told them that he found Bongo on top of a parking meter and brought the monkey back to his apartment. Bonni told The New York Post that she could feel Bongo before she even stepped into Luis’ apartment.

Marcus, who teaches English as a second language at a Manhattan private school, Rennert Bilingual, said she “felt Bongo’s presence” even while approaching the apartment.

But she said she had to closely examine the monkey to make sure it was Bongo. She confirmed this through the doll’s identifying marks, including a “burn scar” she had accidentally given the stuffed animal five years ago after a lit ash from a cigar she was smoking blew onto it.

“I was devastated and gave up smoking after it,” she said.

“Felt Bongo’s presence?” No, bitch, that was just the coke kicking in.

Luis almost didn’t hand over Bongo, because he too grew to love the monkey and wanted to keep him. Luis finally agreed to let Bongo go after Bonni promised that he could visit whenever he wanted. Bonni, Bongo and Jack went back to Manhattan where they celebrated by boozing at bars before snuggling together in the bed they share.

Two things. Are you going to call Beanie Baby Protective Services or shall I? Because bitch not only burned its fur with cigar ash, but she also lost him in the streets! What’s next? Bitch is going to drown him by accidentally throwing him in the bag of dirty laundry she takes to the laundromat? Bongo obviously belongs with everyone’s favorite foster Beanie Baby mother, Jennifer Aniston.

Second, what does that stupid monkey have that makes crazies fall in love with it? It is to crazies what catnip is to cats. What Dominican dick is to John Travolta’s Scientolohole. Now, Luis will be trolling eBay late at night to get his Beanie Baby fix by bidding on another Bongo. I swear, Bongo is totally the gateway Beanie Baby.

You know you’re doing something right when your big butch lady friend stops everything she’s doing to witness your camel toe hovering in the air like it’s about to kick somebody.

RiRi slapped her vacation weave (aka her El Pibe weave) on top of her head and spent the day on the beach in Barbados with her ass out, legs up and mouth open. (Again, RiRi really has an uncanny ability for re-enacting every moment of YOU at the Gay Pride Parade.)

You know I’m a traditionalist with a taste for elegance, so I prefer when bikinis look more like (NSFW) this. But RiRi’s two piece is working for me. When you’re sitting on the beach eating beef jerky chips and some shit gets stuck in between your teefs, you don’t need to ruin your magazine by using its pages to floss the bits out. You just have to call RiRi over, tell her to turn to the side and use her Glide bikini to floss your teeth to relief.

At a press conference for Friends with Benefits, a reporter asked Justin Timberlake the question everybody asks after sitting through the audio-visual torture devices known as Yogi Bear and The Love Guru: Why do movies? Why not do more music? The Russian to English translation was slow in getting to Justin’s ears, so Mila Kunis, who lived in Ukraine until she was 7, took the question and used her tongue as a whip to put the shush on that ho’s mouth. The Daily What translated Mila’s Russian verbal slap into English and it came out like this:

“Why movies? Why not? What kind of question is that? Why are you here?”

Meanwhile, Justin’s brain queefed out several questions marks during the whole thing. How do you say “HERP DERP” in Russian?

What I want to know is, why does every bitch out sound so much better in a foreign language? Seriously, every now and again I’ll type “you useless dumb whore” into Google Translate and make that robot lady say it to me in different languages. It’s soooo not the same as the real thing, because ho isn’t real, can’t act, has zero feeling in her voice and doesn’t mean it.

It’s totally one of my goals in life to get torn a new asshole in every single foreign language. Because “you useless dumb whore” is like music to my ears when it leaps off of a foreign tongue. And because I want new assholes.

And did Justin ever answer that question, because I know some hos who want to know. Here’s Justin (whose HERP DERP eyes tell me that he’s still queefing question marks over the whole thing) and Mila leaving a restaurant in London tonight.

And now here’s something uplifting-ish to come out of the Norway massacre. Hege Dalen was having dinner with her wife Toril Hansen on the day of the massacre when they heard gun shots and screaming coming from Utöyan Island. Now some people I know (I’m not going to name names) would’ve hid under their car or run the opposite way when hearing gun shots, but not Hege and Toril. Along with many others, they got into their boat and drove across the water.

They picked up several young victims and drove them back across the lake to safety. Their boat couldn’t fit everyone at once, so they made 4 trips, dodging bullets each time. The Advocate says they saved around 40 kids. The day after the tragedy, Hege told a Finnish news site, “We did not sleep last night at all.”

And if that picture was taken the day of the massacre, then it looks like Toril did it all while wearing pajama pants. Bravo (I tried to Google translate “bravo” into Norwegian, but it only gave me “bravo” again. Lazy ass Google.) to these lesbian superheroes!

via Towleroad & Gawker (Thanks John, KB and Mary)

According to Celebrity Net Worth, selling albums and collecting residuals for playing the title role in Troll has earned Soulja Boy (Google it, you dumb fuck) a net worth of $23 million. $23 million is $23 million, but it’s still $32 million away from $55 million. TMZ claims that Soulja Boy dropped $55 million of his own money on a G5 jet. Financing a $55 million jet when you only have $23 million is one of way turning to the last page in Chapter 10.

Soulja Boy’s management, who should really reserve the domain Brokeaboy.com for future use, says that the private jet cost $35 million. Soulja Boy spent another $20 million on a new bathroom, custom leather seats, travertine floors, flat screen TVs and a paint job that includes his stupid ass logo on the side. The living ghost of MC Hammer’s past bought it as a 21st birthday present to himself.

Is there such a thing as time sharing a private jet? You know, you pay for a small piece of it and every time you fly it a salesperson makes you sit through a 4-hour breakfast where they try to sell you an even bigger piece? Because we all know that gremlin leprechaun’s pot of gold isn’t that big. I guess we’ll never know how he paid for that mess.

Actually, you can ask Soulja Boy that question in 5 years when you’re sitting next to him on a Southwest flight to Sacramento, where he’ll perform at the opening of a third party cell phone store on a makeshift stage made of upside down garbage cans and plywood. I shouldn’t hate. I’m just jealous, because that G5 jet is going to make a perfect backyard planter when Soulja Boy can’t afford to fly it anymore.

When Alex Trebek showed up to the National Geographic World Championship in CA today, he was on crutches and looking broke down. No, Sean Connery didn’t Nancy Kerrigan his ass in the green room. Alex told the audience that he tore his Achilles tendon while chasing a thieving thief out of his hotel in San Francisco this morning. Because that’s how Alex do. Yeah, I was pretty surprised to hear that Alex knows how to run too since I figured he just glides everywhere on a cloud made of the souls of Jeopardy losers.

TMZ says that 56-year-old Lucinda Moyers somehow got into Alex’s hotel room and snatched some cash and a bracelet his mother gave him. Lucinda hid that crap near an ice machine on the same floor before Alex chased her stealin’ ass down the hallway and busted his tendon. The cops later arrested Lucinda and charged her with fucking with Alex Trebek.

Okay, Alex chasing down a 56-year-old woman is making me want to sneak into the security room of that hotel to see footage of that mess. But something in the milk ain’t clean about this. Why chase a bitch down when you’re Alex Trebek and can simply pick up the phone and hit one button for hotel security? Maybe it’s because I think all crimes happen because of sneaky sex shit, but this sounds like a trick gone wrong! This sounds like a case of ho shows up, john tells ho she doesn’t look like her pictures, ho doesn’t care, john refuses to pay, ho kicks john in his tendon, ho takes whatever’s on the dresser, ho runs, john chases….BOOM. I don’t need to say “What is” before that to know it is the correct question.

That being said, this never would’ve happened if Alex didn’t shave his wondrous stache.