Marc Jacobs’ former fiance Lorenzo Martone meticulously manicured the hair scarf hugging his face the same way some of us meticulously manicure our taint bush into shapes of the season (mine’s Rudolph’s head poking out of a wreath), so I didn’t think Marc would ever find a piece who puts hair face grooming first. I stand corrected, because the Internet is saying that Marc is spreading his nipples all over this South American piece with a world-class eyebrow situation. (Joe Jonas, take note, this is what those wolf pubes over your eyes would look like after a visit from tweezers and an ice cub.)

The hot piece hugging on Marc from the back is Brazilian porn star and (NSFW) rent boy Harry Louis and he Tweeted out the picture above along with a note about how he’s in love…blah blah blah…Paris…love… blah blah blah…. etc… GPS Brasilia has been saying for a couple of weeks now that Harry is Marc’s new bought-and-paid-for bitch. Harry refused to say anything about this shit (a smart hooker never tells) and Marc closed his lips to the rumor that he’s pulling a Calvin Klein.

I know your ass Googles Marc Jacobs’ name every night before you go to bed so you can rest with the assurance of knowing that you know everything about Marc Jacobs’ personal life, but I have a good reason for posting this shit. This reason is the answer to all of your questions!

You: Michael, why are you posting this shit?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why does Marc Jacobs look like his overworked jaw is about to file a forced labor claim against his mouth?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why would Marc fly that trick to Paris and shower him with expensive gifts?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

And since you’re only looking at this post, because your eyes flew to the words “FAT PEEN” like, well, like eyes to the words “FAT PEEN,” (NSFW) click here to see it. Warning: If you have a prostate, looking at that double stuffed dick might put (more) bruises on it. Looking at it will also give you a lunch craving for a monster burrito with extra beans. I’ll place your order now.

via Gawker

Lindsay Lohan’s boring ass Playboy spread, which was so damn airbrushed that Photoshop received a Purple Heart for it, oozed out of the Internet’s pores a week before the issue came out, so anybody who really wanted to see it, saw it without having to pull out their wallet and do the walk of shame up to the counter. The pictures are everywhere, like a first-time herpes outbreak. If you Google “Photoshop OVERDOSE,” LiLo’s freckled titty dumplings will be staring back at you. The only bitch who would want to buy a copy of LiLo’s spread is a serial killer who wants to torture his victims more by covering their cage floor with it. So it’s not actually surprising to hear from Fox411 that LiLo’s Playboy issue is about as successful as the current state of her career.

Fox411 spent Friday morning trolling the shelves of newsstands and gas stations from New York to Philadelphia only to be confronted with the same reality at each: Lohan’s glassy-eyed stare peaking above the backs of more family friendly fare, with no one staring back or making a purchase.

“No one has bought it,” was the resounding answer to our query at each stop.

But wait! TMZ has basically called Fox411 a bunch of lie-tellers, because they’re saying that mess of an issue is selling out everywhere. Re-orders are coming in from NYC, L.A. and a bunch of other cities that Playboy usually doesn’t get re-orders form.

WHO TO BELIEVE?!!! Do we believe Fox411 who actually makes sense since why would you buy the freckled sag sacks when you can get that shit for free on the Internet? Or do we believe TMZ? I’d totally believe TMZ if they added that White Oprah stood at the newsstand and agreed to slap herself in the face every time somebody bought a Playboy.

If these pictures of Miley Cyrus with her chest out give us anything it’s the image of what Brittany from The Chipettes would look like if she became a human before getting hit in the face with a shovel – The Superficial

Ryan Reynolds counts the sidewalk cracks as he walks, because doing that is slightly more interesting than talking to Blake Lively – Lainey Gossip

Dickmatized finally has an anthem – Towleroad

“My baby is going places!” slurred out my drunk hero Mama Lynn last year and here’s her baby going places! Specifically, places that will pay her in drink tickets to dance in her bikini at their pool parties. – Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Simpson’s transformation into the next Kirstie Alley is almost complete – Celebitchy

Shakira Squats should really be the name of someone’s band – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Carey Mulligan’s eyebrow situation in W Magazine gets a solid A minus – The Berry

Men in Black 3 looks like a whole new scent of stank shit – ICYDK

Orlando Bloom’s wet, topless and holding a baby. See. Babies really do ruin everything. – Popsugar

If you went back into your family photo album and looked for the pictures from your 12th birthday slumber party, I’m sure your ass was wearing the exact same thing that Brit Brit is wearing here – Popsugar

I’ve had crabs bigger than this bat baby – The Daily What

Baby Tae Kwon Do can’t kick your ass, but he looks adorable while trying to do so – Videogum

White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan have never looked more gorgeous – SOW

The latest Chateau de Cheetos – Hollywood Rag

Or cutest dead puppy, maybe? – Cityrag

Travel + Leisure names Charleston as the city with the most hottest people in it. This picture came up for me while I was doing a Google search on Charleston beauties, so I have to agree with T + L! – OMG Blog

The Duggars named their late child after a titty show in Las Vegas. That is all. – I’m Not Obsessed

That damn St. Angie is all over the Internet today. Everywhere I go, there’s Angie. I go to NoAngelinaJoliesAllowed.org and that bitch is there. She’s everywhere. There she is walking around in a dress the color of the shit that does not come out of her ass. There she is daring her period to come while escorting Ms. Pitt around like a trophy. And here’s Angie getting swallowed by the black (Note: “Angie getting swallowed by the black” is going to be big on Google keywords this week, so I’m trying to get ahead of the trend) in the pages of Newsweek.

Angie is doing all of this to sell the shit out of that In the Land of Blood and Honey movie. She’s flaunting it everywhere and I’m still not going to see it. Sorry. I wouldn’t even see it if she renamed it In the Land of Nuttin’ Honey and re-worked the plot to be about a couple going through a painful divorce because one of them answers “Nuttin’ honey” to every single question the other one asks. Okay, I’d watch it then and only then.

St. Angie isn’t only all over the Internet, she’s all over TV too. Angie was on Nightline and they asked her if she was going to ever marry Brad Pitt. Obviously, the journalists on Nightline are serious journalists and only ask thought-provoking questions that nobody has ever asked before. Angie answered:

“The kids asked me the other day and I asked them if it was just because they wanted to have a ‘big cake.’ They see movies that have the people getting married in the movies or somebody’s, you know, the happily ever after. Shrek and Fiona are married. We’ve explained to them that our commitment when we decided to start a family was the greatest commitment you could possibly have. Once you have six children, you’re committed.”

I think what she really meant is that once you have six children, you should be committed because you’re absolutely nuts to have all those screamers around.

You know, I believe that you should always be honest with children. If anyone can take honesty, it’s children. That is why it was wrong for Angie to blow smoke up their asses with that “blah blah blah greatest commitment blah blah” bullshit. Angie should’ve sat them all around and honestly said, “Mind your own fucking businesses, will you? Why make the cow sign a prenup when you can screw the milk for free, or however the saying goes. Now go get mama her liquid medicine and then lock yourselves up in your bedrooms. SCAT!” Now, that would’ve been honest.

And here’s Lady CaCa’s latest first year art school video project which will suck up fourteen minutes of your life. Yes, it’s 13:47 minutes long. Bitch, you’re not Michael Jackson! If you have more important things to do with your 14 minutes, like wash your ass hairs one strand at a time, then let me break it down for you.

It opens with a scene straight out of CaCa, Interrupted where she’s pushed on a gurney into some hospital room/train station lounge/vacuum of pretension after just having an abortion (or gender reassignment surgery, I’m not sure….). CaCa acts for a bit but all I can focus on is how her eyebrows look like albino pubes. Then suddenly we’re in an apartment where CaCa speaks Google French, has an orgy with Cheerios, fucks her ego raw in the bathtub and twirls around in a maxi-pad bra. (I think that part symbolizes her gestating in a cocoon before emerging into the world as a Madonna clone.)

The next part was all a blur. I was slapped with Black Swan, punched in the eyes by Flashdance, kneed in the nose by All That Jazz and violently fucked in the ear by Step It Up before I completely overdosed on pretension and shut down. I’m not sure, but I think it ended with CaCa selling her soul to the dark side to become the devil empress of pop she is today. Thank you for letting us know you’re a slave to the Illuminati, CaCa. But you didn’t have to take up 14 minutes of our time to tell us that. I mean, Nina Hagen already told us and it only took her 5 seconds to do it!

Click here if you can’t see that shit above

Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim’s fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That’s like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That’s like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris’ suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low.

Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn’t want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don’t know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on….

TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer’s fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there’s proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud.

I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google “Kim Kardashian is a fraud” it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he’s totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They’re all frauds and they’ve obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let’s all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred!