AssStain Kutcher delivered yet another “Dude, Where’s My Fucking Brain?” moment last night when he prematurely ejacutweeted his outrage over Penn State’s head football coach Joe Paterno getting the BYE BITCH treatment for shutting his eyes, plugging his ears and singing “lalalaimnotseeingthislalalal” to his assistant coach butt raping a boy in the locker room.

Ashton saw the headline “Jo Pa Fired” somewhere and the cold pile of mashed DURR in his head didn’t think to use his fingers to Google for the full story before raising his fist in disgust. This was a surprising move on Ashton’s part since he’s known for having a dozen degrees, PhDs and awards of excellence in decision making (see: growing that beard and not wearing a condom before fucking his one-night fuck piece). This is Ashton’s first Tweet, which was quickly swallowed up by the fail whale.

How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste

Three seconds after Ashton shat out this dingle of dumb, some of his 8 million followers beat some realness into him with a hashtag. Ashton quickly erased the Tweet and then apologized before announcing that he’s taking a Tweetbatical

Heard Joe was fired, fully recant previous tweet! Didn’t have full story. #admitwhenyoumakemistakes

As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

“Find a way to properly manage this feed.” Way to backtrack from a pile of shit by rolling into another pile of shit. This dumb fuck douchebag needs to find a way to properly manage his brain before he tackles his feed. One obstacle at a time, Ashton.

via People

The words “コールFEMA!” were heard at the Japanese premiere of Moneyball (note: they call it “Anal Bead Yen” in Japan) in Tokyo today when Brad Pitt walked up the red carpet while looking like he just spent hurricane season up in a palm tree after he washed up on the shore of a deserted island and a group of local monkeys tried to eat his face off. Yes, I did receive the memo stating that Brad Pitt has subscribed to the Johnny Depp way of knife fighting the hot out of his being in order to be taken seriously as a serious (and eccentric) actor of the Jack Nicholson variety, but damn. Instead of knife fighting the hot, can’t he shoo it away with some RID spray, because I think I see lice crawling on his glasses.

BRAD, once St. Angie uses her razor sharp veins to give you a trim, go sit in a tub full of Frontline collars. Jeff Bridges will play you in the rest of your premieres and not a bitch will notice. Don’t worry. Give yourself a Calgon moment or thirty.

You know, my eyes were so focused on Brad’s “freshly fucked by a pack of wild dogs under a bridge during a windstorm” hair that I almost missed seeing the color black weeping in the corner over Angie wearing RED to a premiere. It’s cutting itself hoping it will bleed RED, but it keeps bleeding BLACK.

For being savers of the world, these bitches really know how to ruin everybody’s day.

What do you think happens when the local news shoves a camera in somebody’s car window as they’re getting a $500 ticket? They’re definitely not going to flash a smile and tap dance with their hands on their steering wheel for you. They might do what Mr. Elmo Shirt did during Stanley Roberts’ (or as Mr. Elmo Shirt calls him, “Irrelevant Fatass”) “People Behaving Badly” segment for the Bay Area’s KRON4. Mr. Elmo Shirt went off and gave us a show! If this fight went down in a cafeteria, we’d all stop chewing on our chicken fangers and turn around. Bitch pulled out every single line from the “You’re Fat, I Drive A Fancy Car!” book and wasn’t going to let Stanley get away without throwing flame balls at the lens.

It’s like he’s been training for this his whole life and has been itching to go viral. He’s got the tang of Antoine Dodson and I’m pretty sure Excuse My Beauty Stephen taught him how to flutter his fingers like a queen dismissing her court. There are too many snaps in this clip to count.

If this is KRON4’s way of trying to get me to Google “Stanley Roberts” to see if he truly is the “fatass” Mr. Elmo Shirt says he is, then it worked!

via The Daily What

Thanks to a hacker, who could get more time in the chokey than most rapists, ScarJo’s titty knobs are just a Google search away from landing on your eyeballs and she pretty much shrugs off their existence to Vanity Fair while sticking a gold star on her cell phone pose skills. Yes, you know ScarJo had Ty Ty Baby in her head as she tried to smile with her nipple holes (smipping?) and work those angles. You also know that Ty Ty is probably going to do a ridiculous naked celebrity cell phone photo shoot based on ScarJo’s comments.

“I know my best angles,” she says with her trademark insouciance. “They were sent to my husband,” now ex Ryan Reynolds. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I was shooting a porno.” She adds saucily, “Although there’s nothing wrong with that either.”

While I give ScarJo a few spare points for sort of taking the Cassie route by saying in so many words “It’s just a titty!,” I need her to stop with that “best angle” shit. Bitch, your best angle should be the one that clearly gives us a shot of Ryan Reynolds’ fully erect dick game. Seriously. If ScarJo gave Ryan the gift of her texted titty, then I’m sure he returned the favor by slapping a dick pic on her cell phone screen. “Where are those pictures?,” said a million slobbering genitals.

Either the hacker is not an equal opportunity pic stealer and is prejudiced against celebrity man dick, or ScarJo deleted Ryan’s pics but kept hers on her phone. The next time a celebrity (not Sean Penn) sends a peen portrait to ScarJo and her finger hovers over the delete button, I really hope she thinks about the possibility of a hacker hacking into her phone and leaking said peen portrait onto the Internet for all of us to see. If she deletes that pic, she’s keeping the public-at-large from getting some celebrity dick in their lonely lives. Think about this, ScarJo! Stop being so selfish!

And yes, don’t worry, I’m taking my tray to the dark part of the cafeteria to sit with the other pervs.

Two animal kingdoms became one on Mah Boo 369me last night when Anderson Cooper’s obsession with Courtney Stodden reached a fever pitch, and yes, it’s making me dip a thermometer in Vaseline. Coopertney (just pretend that worked) attempted to replicate Courtney’s signature “sedated Komodo Dragon having a face seizure while choking on a heave ball” facial expression and well….Mah Boo tried.

Trying to recreate Courtney’s sexy/snarl/idontevenfuckingknow face is like trying to recreate a Picasso using only a soaked piece of cardboard and a palette of wet fart splashes. It cannot be done and it is impossible. The original is a masterpiece. Actually, if you recreated a Picasso with wet fart splashes on a soaked piece of cardboard it would look a lot more like Courtney’s sexyface than whatever came out of Mah Boo’s face does.

Courtney’s facial expression makes it look like her brain is trying to escape through her face and it can’t find any open hole, and it takes a special (see: drugged up) kind of person to pull that off. But if there’s ever a contest to find the best impersonation of Mr. Burns licking on an invisible pussy, Mah Boo would be crowned the queen of that shit!

And yes, Google Bots, start stretching, because I will be searching for “how to embed an animated GIF into the back of a pair of chonies” as soon as I publish this bitch.

No, this is not the creature that bloomed out when someone watered one of Snooki’s bump-its with the blood of Pennywise. This is Melissa McCarthy from Mike & Molly, Glimore Girls and Bridesmaids working a pair of Down Jones eyebrows and widow’s peak lipstick as Divine in Pink Flamingos for Entertainment Weekly. This is just a whole lot of Xtravaganzaaaaa in red latex and a whole lot of YES!!!!

I really hope that whoever watches Mike & Molly sees this, Googles “Divine” and then watches all of the classic dog shit eating scene. Because the Mike & Molly audience really needs more of “Divine eating dog shit in Pink Flamingos” in their lives. That shit (literally, this time) will give them something to talk about over a meatloaf dinner.

And here’s another shot co-starring Pandora Boxx and Mimi Imfurst from RuPaul’s Drag Race:

First Angelyne and then this? The glamour trifecta must be completed, so excuse me while I refresh the photo agency websites and hope that pictures of Shauna Sand teasing Courtney Stodden’s meth weave with a neon pink comb come up. I’m knocking a piece of wood with my crossed fingers while throwing a four leaf clover over my shoulder. Or however the fuck the superstition goes.