Sometimes at night I suddenly sit up straight in bed, covered in sweat and barely slapping my mouth shut on the scream that wants to shatter windows (my partner: “What are you DOING? Fuck, go back to sleep. Jesus. (pause) Did you fart?”). What was so terrifying that I have this cinema queen reaction?

It’s the thought that someday the ancient astronauts who started this grand experiment are going to return to see the results. They’re going to pick a couple of humans to investigate to see what their efforts have wrought, and then decide if we’re worth continuing. Who will they pick, you ask? Will it be Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf? Frank DeMartini and Pablo Ortiz? These people?   It would have to be this guy, right?

Fuck, no. It’s going to be Michael Lohan. The star gods will check him out for about ten seconds, shake their heads, and open a black hole in the center of our planet (SCIENCE!) and we’ll all die screaming cuz’ of this dumb motherfucka of famesuck. Thanks, asshole.

 Papa Lohan went on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers show (Pinsky’s become a bit of a famesuck himself) to talk about the Photoshop renderings Lindsay Lohan posed for in Playboy. It looked like an infomercial for how Men’s Wearhouse changed Mr. Lohan’s life. Despite having a bone on in his trousers over A) his daughter in Playboy and B) getting a live studio audience to play “doting father of celebrity fuckup” in front of, Mr. Lohan went for the Cable Ace acting award.

“I haven’t seen it and I won’t look at it. I’ve never looked at it,” he tells Pinsky. “I heard it’s ‘classy’….she did some movies that were a little risque at times and I couldn’t even go to the movies and watch them.” 

Lying sack of spew! He jacked on them SO HARD. People with cell phones clipped to their belts are either the nicest albeit most clueless guys in the world or the pages of their personal copy of their junkie daughter’s Playboy debut are stuck together. He would be the latter. Mr. Lohan considers Lohan showing off her milky goodness for the general public a “move” that’s positive because it means she’s “working”. Yes, she’s showing the maximum effort.

Lohan reportedly goes on to express concern over Lohan’s sea jasper use and her getting involved with “the wrong people”. Bitch could be getting mani/pedis with Casey Anthony and Leatherface and she would still be better off than with you.

Papa Lohan also reveals his ex-girlfriend Kate Minor (in Stupid, the one he seems to regularly beat the shit out of, and who inspires dramatic cunt moves like leaping out of windows and faking heart attacks) might be carrying his latest big mistake. Sweet Jesus.

“Before I went in, she thought that she might be pregnant,” Michael says. “When she left her dads house, she left some medication and her pills there and she was off the pill for like four or five days and of course we had sex…so there was a chance…from what I understand now, she says she’s pregnant or she could be. Evidently she is taking the test so she thinks she might be.”

Of course they had sex. Who could resist a man who just kicked you in the face and whose pet name for you is “Cunt”? Romance.

This dude is SUCH a junkie for the camera/gossip column item/blog post that you can almost see him QUIVERING in lust as Drew sinks the needle into his arm. What a sad piece of shit. He definitely made valedictorian at the Joe Simpson Academy For Completely Inappropriate Fathers, though.

I totally thought he was a fagatron. Note – I like big, fat, hairy man ass and am myself a “fagatron”. That’s right, I’m taking back the word “fagatron” for the gay community and making it’s power work for us! Oh, dear.

 Just like Michael K. signed off to me with a “love you long time” in an e-mail this morning, and I was like – wow – half-Asian people can do that without sounding racist. If I did that, I would sound like Dick #1 or a villain from a  Dick Tracy cartoon.  

Here’s some pics of Penn Badgley’s “Muppet-looking ass” (TM – Michael K. in the aforementioned e-mail) with the object of Jodie Foster’s Captain Save-A-Ho dyke vigilantism from The Brave One. They’re hanging out in Miami. That movie rocks. As she kills more people, she looks more lesbian. It was the role she was born to live play.

Good for Penn for eschewing the product to let it all air out on the beach. Truth be told, this shit happens to me too. If I don’t risk cancer by putting so much shit in my hair that patches of my scalp burn and insects are caught and drown in the mess, I have 80s puffy helmet hair. It doesn’t grow long, IT EXPANDS. Like the end of a TAMPON. It’s humiliating. I support the fagotron. Zoe Kraviz is going to lose shit in that, though. You know, besides her dignity for bearding for the guy who’s fucking Marcia Cross’ Desperate Housewives son. She isn’t surreptitiously bouncing on his dick under the water like some of you dirty bitches think. They’re both tinkling at the same time like giddy girlfriends and giggling over it.

Shit, that hair is gonna topple him. She is way too petite to be able to lift him up if that happens. They’re gonna have to call a cabana boy and then Penn’s gonna wanna suck him off. Awkward.

And she deserves every cent she ripped out of those sugartits. The divorce papers between jacuzzi suckjob enthusiast/psychotic racist Mel Gibson and wife Robyn Gibson (well, she now goes by Robyn “I Got Mine” Moore) have been signed, sealed, and delivered.

Ladies – you can stick around while he starts his own Jews Killed Jesus church. You can stick around while he insists on knowing if the cops pulling him over for drunk-drivin’ spin a dreidel during the holidays and refers to them by their swingers club code names. And you can stick around when he makes shitshows like this. But once he knocks up a slightly more refined, orchestral version of Octomom and then gets his completely crackers rants at her recorded and played all over the world (and then reportedly knocks up TWO OTHER WOMEN) – shit’s over. Turn the jets off, pull the tarp over that particular hot tub, and go shopping, sweetie.

 TMZ says that the Gibsons net worth is a little less than 900 million. And there wasn’t a prenup. They didn’t friggin’ have friggin’ prenups in 1970s Australia (cue a soft chuckle from Ms. Moore)!

Have you seen The Road Warrior? They probably got married on a surfboard and cracked cans of Fosters over each other’s foreheads instead of exchanging rings. Shit was rugged.

The Gibson are said to have negotiated the money biz for over a year. And bitch got HALF.

If you need Robyn, she will be building a Jewish homosexual disco next to Mel’s church that’s made out of rubies and champagne flutes, and flashing her new pussy tattoo (“$425,000,000!”) at him from off the balcony. Think of how many of those weird Queen Victoria collection-plaid flower collar- “we’re not fucking tonight” hell dresses and 1990’s Susan Powter-butch bitch cuts you could afford with that take!

Once you’ve been in the rehab, you figure you’ve been through enough shit that you can kick your boss in the nuts. Oh No They Didn’t is featuring some Tweets (wait, it’s DListed – I’m supposed to call them “Twats” right?) that Demi stuffed up Walt Disneys corpse’s ass over their treatment of anorexia.

Demi Lovato was home (not doing cocaine, fucking for an audience on bunkbeds, or snapping and attacking her ex’s new chick) and happened to be watching something called Shake It Up on her home network. A character made an ano joke and Demi took her 13th step – putting the company that made her on blast:

Dear Disney Channel EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT

She Twatted a few more times, mentioning that  Disney lost an actress to an eating disorder and noting that she misses the days of fat asses like Raven Symone and Hilary Duff breaking your child’s TV with their girth. Hey, she called them fat – I didn’t. See what she did there? Sly bitches like Demi can stick up for anorexia sufferers WHILE throwing shade at the competition.

We now know who’s running things over in Orlando, cuz’ Disney immediately crawled over to Demi’s Twitter feed, removed their dick, and announced they had pulled the episode in question:

@ddlovato, Demi we hear you & are pulling both episodes as quickly as possible & reevaluating them [ed. note – “reevaluating” = “killing the writers and actress responsible and burning the set down”]

@ddlovato – It’s NEVER our intention to make fun of eating disorders!

Not like that Spike network with their Hot Snatch In Bikinis Puking Up Dinner show. So now we know who runs Disney. Can Demi do something about the couples who get married and then walk around the park in those fucking mouse ears bridal veils and top hats? We get it, you got married with Mickey. Two assholes blocked my view of the Hall of Presidents show last time with those sad things. Yes, I’ve seen the show before, but I like when one of the robots malfunctions and starts seizing like his vibrating butt plug just went into turbo.

Check out the actual Tweets and more pics of Demi on stage in Puerto Rico in the gallery.

Hiya! I’m J. Harvey. I used to write for Socialite Life (then I got fired) and then I wrote for Celebitchy for two whole days (and then I got fired from there, too), and now I blog about guys fucking over on Manhunt Daily.  It’s not as seedy as it sounds (yes, it is). You’re figuring out that Michael K. wanted to get to Italy stat so he could get fucked up on vino and suck off a gondolier so he just picked some mullet off the blogging street, aren’t you? Poor Sweetas. I have horrible grammar, and my run-on sentences are legendary. Fuck grammar! I refused to be chained by your grammar ways.

Oh, and I heard the last guest blogger had an epic meltdown and is currently sporting a self-hug coat and recuperating in a rubber room somewhere due to you fiery cunts in the comments. It’s ok if you hate me. I’m drunk right now and can’t feel anything. I can’t feel anything anyways because I’m dead inside. And drunk. Seriously, you can sneak nips into Starbucks here in Boston. We’re a drinking city.

Hopefully while he was on his layover in London, Michael K. spotted this white carnation out on the street and gave her the hug she needs. A girl who will let someone do that to a body part is actually looking to fill the hole in her heart with love, and settled for innnertubes in her face lips. I know why she did that to her pucker, though. It’s that overbite. Edward Norton’s character in American History X would find curbing her too easy with those choppers. She figured she coud hide em’ with the lip job. And then distract us with BOOBS.

Those lips! They look like Michael K’s asshole after Fleet Week!

This is British reality television gal Lauren Pope out on the town with some co-tarts in London last night. She’s following up her tasteful debut in THIS dress. Let’s choose to believe that some The Only Way Is Essex hater slapped her gently with a brick, or put some embalming fluid in her Grape Crush shot. Cuz’, DAMN over the “cartoon hillbilly” expression. What drink is that? Pink Umbrella Homeless Dude flanking you is wondering.

Note – FUCK! My very first DListed post and I gave the bitch the wrong name! Ugh, already revealed as a FUCK-UP. The Only Way Is Drunk-Blogging. This unfortunate creature is actually named Chloe Sims. I bet she still borrowed that dress from her friend, though. They share it. It’s ventilated and easy access.

This former Real Housewives star has turned to escorting to pay her bills and her burgeoning drug habit. (CDAN)

Who is the prostitution whore-ah herself, Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey? If this is Danielle, then she really doesn’t need to spend the rest of her December selling non-USDA approved pussy. Parents can hire her as a Grinch impersonator to scare their brats straight this holiday season.

His long-running, critically acclaimed series has ended, but this Emmy winner is still whining to anyone who will listen about it being over. The smarmy star feels it was his best role ever, and he’s a nervous wreck, fearing his career is all downhill from here! Who is he? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

If you type “Let it swarmy” into Google, tiny Jeremy Piven heads will fall from the top, so I’ll go with Jeremy Piven.

This couple is an A list couple. It is tough to describe them without giving them away, but they are A list and they have kid(s). I will say that the female in the couple is an A list movie actress who would not touch television. She might not even watch television. Probably too good for it. The couple, with our actress being the main instigator in this has decided that they do not want t show off their child to the public. I am not saying they only have one child, but I am not saying they have more. I will say though this becomes very obvious when you know the answer. The couple chooses to not show off this child because it is a special needs child and the couple have chosen to let the child spend the majority of time with nannies and other people and is generally ignored by the parents. As I said, it is primarily because of the mother, although the father is complicit. He does not want the relationship to end so goes along with whatever his wife says. (CDAN)

Who ever this bitch is sounds like a real life Jessica Lange from American Horror Story. Free Pretty Girl!