The living room train set from Silver Spoons! My friend Lahoma, who used to write for Dlisted back when it was just burping and newborn farting in the blog nursery that is Blogger, threw out the train set from Silver Spoons as a Hot Slut possibility the other day and I thought to myself, “But what about that race car bed or the remote control front door for fuck’s sake!” But that bitch is right, every child of the 80s wanted that living room train set. It was the most magical and coolest shit since conquering the magic eye poster at the swap meet.

Looking at pictures of the train set this morning taught me how much I’ve grown as a person. The child me would’ve come up with a plan to build my own train set using an old red wagon and a Big Wheel. The me today looked at those pictures and thought, “I wonder if Edward ever choo chooed his peen into Kate’s chocha while riding on that train?”

Here’s the Silver Spoons theme song as well as a scene starring the living room train set of childhood dreams. If this post brings you anything, I really hope it brings your brain the Silver Spoons theme song on a loop. Tah-geeeeeethah, we’re gonna find our way.

I almost titled this “You Can’t Keep A Good Bump Down,” but I am trying hard (and failing, obviously) to not use the bump word to describe the fetus super dome of knocked up ladies. Remember in the good ole’ days when hearing the word “bump” made your nostrils salivate as you ran to the men’s bathroom of some club to get a quick snort of some gross shit that’s used to put cats to sleep? Now hearing the word “bump” makes you think of babies kicking in wombs and shit. Cokeheads and tweekers need to take the word back from the BABIES!!! The babies take everything. I swear, even the word “bump” has gotten the Disney treatment. I blame Rudy Julie Annie (it’s Saturday, I’m not about to Google the correct spelling).

Anyway, here’s Beyonce in NYC throwing a fake Texas pageant smile at all the speculating hos who are sniffing at her stomach to see if it smells like burnt goose down feathers and rubber. Wait. Maybe that’s not a fake Texas pageant smile, maybe that’s a pregnancy fart smile. Which leads me to this wonderful butt jewel I found on Yahoo! Answers while researching pregnancy farts (“I am so proud of you!” – my mom):

“I have gas bad all the time and when I let out a big airy fart it feels sooo good! My husband hates the smell, but its so nice….that deflating feeling and seeing how loud you can make it sound. Plus it makes me giggle to see my husband run away from the blast….usually its the other way around.

I dont want to have sex, so it also comes in handy. When he tries to get it on I jut let some juicy ones rip and then I can relax again. One time I farted and left the house to meet him at the office, we came back to the house and when he walked in he gagged from the lingering smell. I was so proud!

Tell me, do you enjoy your farts as much as I do?”

The Internet: a special place where you don’t have to feel so alone about your love of pregnancy farts.

Sometimes I Google “Steel Magnolia cast photos” and go through all the pictures from community theater productions and try to guess who played which character. (Yes, I played by myself in the garage a lot as a child.) So obviously, Steel Magnolias holds a special place in the battered and beaten treasure box that lies in the empty well that is my soul and I should be barfing out armadillo cake chunks through my eyes over the news that they are remaking a masterpiece classic for fucking BASIC CABLE, but I’m not. This is either going to be a Frigidaire full of YES or Lifetime is totally going to screw this shit up.

And off the top of my brain, here are just some possibilities for each role. You can also title this list as: Why Michael K is not a casting director in Hollywood.

M’Lynn (the one Sally Field played) – Viola Davis or Audra McDonald
Truvy (the one Dolly Parton played) – Jackee Harry, Jill Scott, Mo’Nique or Loretta Devine
Ouiser (the one Shirley MacLaine played) – Dionne Warwick. The end. Done. Draw up the contract, hussy!
Annelle (the one Daryl Hannah played) – Thandie Newton, Kimberly Elise or Naturi Naughton.
Clairee (the one Olympia Dukasis played) – Detective La Toya (I’m SERIOUS!), Phylicia Rashād or Alfre Woodard
Shelby (the one Julia Roberts played) – I have no idea. Joy Bryant? Yaya?
Drum (the one Tom Skerritt played) – Sheree Whitfield.

I don’t even know why we’re bothering. You know Lifetime is going to put Tyler Perry and Martin Lawrence in a room together and ask them to divide up the roles between them. We’re fucked.

via Deadline Hollywood

Duchess Kate is ripping out whatever hair is left on her husband’s head this morning, because her reign as the most famous royal bride of the year came to a crashing end as soon as the mummified Rhea Perlman who was brought back to life with an air kiss from Voldemort floated above a dirt aisle at her wedding in Sevilla, Spain today. Fuck your life, Kate, because today the Duchess of Alba got all the points by wearing a stunning gown made by Chico himself using her crib skirt from the turn-of-the-century and the green ribbon she snatched out of Luke’s hand right before she turned him into a mouse. The Duchess of Alba’s guests would’ve gasped but they were told to keep their mouths closed for the entire ceremony, because there was a good chance she would’ve transformed into a funnel of smoke and entered their body to eat their souls from the inside/out.

HOLA! Magazine is pleased to report that 85-year-old (suck in your eyeballs for 5 seconds…. and release)

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay

became (suck in your eyeballs for 6 seconds…. and release)

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay Diez

today when she married her 61-year-old commoner love toy Alfonso Diez at one of her castles in Spain in front of almost all of her six ungrateful children (her ungrateful bitch of a daughter came down with chickenpox so she couldn’t make it). These are the same ungrateful bitch children who would not bless the Duchess of Alba’s marriage until she gave them all of her billion dollar fortune to prove to them that Alfonso was not marrying her for money. Alfonso was obviously marrying the glorious duchess, because when the rapture comes next year the great swarm of locusts will not come near him if he’s standing behind their queen! But those dumb children did not know this.

Alfonso, who is now known as the Duke of Alba, already signed away any right to the House of Alba should his beautiful love affair with the duchess end. But for now, the Duchess of Alba kicked off her sensible Easy Spirit flats and danced in the streets to celebrate the gods accepting her love with Alfonso. Did that bland bitch Kate Middleton do that? I think not.

Congratulations to the most regal dandelion in the royal garden and allow me to end this post with these words for the duchess:

De mayo de Alfonso Diez suavemente la joroba del brillante polvo zombie de por eternidades, o hasta que la tierra Klingons en la tierra para volver a su planeta de origen. A ustedes, mis BELLEZA! Ahora, conseguir que los jóvenes polla!

And in case you’re not fluent in Google Español :

May Alfonso Diez gently hump the sparkly zombie dust out of you for eternities to come or until the Klingons land on earth to take you back to your home planet. TO YOU, MY BEAUTY! Now, get that young dick!

The royal wedding of every century will take place this Wednesday when the most stunningly gorgeous creature to ever wear a crown, La Duquesa de Alba, makes 61-year-old commoner civil servant Alfonso Díez her third husband and the luckiest mere mortal in the world. The Spanish magazine Interviú is celebrating this historical event by gifting the world with glorious pictures of the Klingon dandelion filling the sun with more sunshine by shooting rays of aristocratic exquisiteness out of her nipple holes on a beach in Ibiza back in the 1980s when she was just 56 years old. This was long before the Duchess of Alba fell into a vat of liquid diamonds and Death Eater blood, transforming her into an albino Jocelyn Wildenstein with an afro made of Andy Rooney’s shed eyebrows hairs.

Curtsy, gently bow your head and lift up your eyeballs as you let the Duchess of Alba knight you with her (NSFW) noble nipples. Desnuda y radiante!

via Vanitatis (Thanks Erica!)

Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s former head Stepford nurse who was the only one who showed she truly cared about him by softly blowing on his raw colostomy hole before gently rubbing baby powder-scented Vaseline on it, has found a new career in giving Las Vegas audiences a dozen servings of her silicone chichi domes every night in Peepshow. Holly seems to think that she has the Mary Hart Legs of tits, because she has taken out a $1 million life insurance policy on her twin career makers.

Holly tells People that if anything happened to her silicone chest puffs, LIVES WOULD BE FORECLOSED UPON, THE BREAD LINE WOULD BE SHUT DOWN, CHILDREN WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEIR OWN FINGERS TO SURVIVE, BLONDE TODDLERS WOULD HAVE TO MOVE INTO THE PLAYBOY ORPHANAGE (oh, wait..), etc…. etc…. Holly explained it like this to People:

“I’ve heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars. I thought I’d cover my assets. I think it’s kind of funny. I think they’re getting the credit they deserve. They’re my primary money makers right now.”

What does Holly think is going to happen to her tits? Are they going to move into the vacant space in her head when Carrot Top tries to motoroboat them? Since it’s obvious they can’t be near each other, is their civil war going to escalate to the point where one them completely quits the union and reinvents itself by getting a job as one of Hugh’s colostomy bags (yes, I brought it back to colostomy bags and you should never forgive me for this).

If anything does happen to Holly’s chichis, it will take 10 minutes for the Mattel factory workers to come out to her house and restore her natural beauty by bolting on a Barbie titty plate over her chest.

Besides, who thinks of Holly Madison when they think of tits?! Googling “national treasure breasts,” brings up the names Helen Mirren, Salma Hayek and Christina Hendricks, but Holly Madison does not make an appearance. I don’t think the serial number on her implant reads: PRICELESS PRECIOUS CARGO. Bitch, please. StuntQueenville, population: Holly Madison