The birth of Jesus finally makes sense! Jesus was born so that 2000+ years later there could be an Absolutely Fabulous Christmas Special. I wish they would’ve taught me that in catechism. This is the first preview for the special which airs on the BBC around Christmas times. It has absolutely zero Patsy Stone in it, but I guess we’ll take what we can get. My ass is going to be in Italy with my family for Christmas, so I fully expect one of you British bitches (Britches?) to lasso over a cable cord so I can watch this shit. Ruote in fiamme (Translation provided by Google, so if it doesn’t make any sense blame that ho)!
via ONTD (Thanks Ben)
JESUS IS ON FIRE! Or Jesus WAS on fire, and now he’s nothing more than a steel frame. Late last night, God and Jeebus must have had a serious fight up in heaven after watching The Real Housewives of NYC Reunion (God is Team Bethenny, Jesus is Team Jill), because the former sharpened his lightning rod and threw it directly at the giant Big Butter Jesus (aka Touchdown Jesus) statue outside of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. The 62-foot-tall statue caught on fire and that shit burned to the ground.
The giant beacon of exquisite tackiness was built in 2004. It was made of plastic form and fiberglass, just like Heidi Montag so that bitch better stop namedropping God on her Twitter. God is never the one.
No injuries were reported, and I’m sure a new one made out of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter will rise in 3 days.
Here’s a video of flaming Jesus. If you squint your eyes, you can almost see Paula Deen running towards it with a giant wheelbarrow.
This is the kind of ho shit I expect from Patty or Selma, but not Marge. I think I have a new favorite Simpson (sorry Maggie).
E! Online says that Marge Simpson will flash her yellow nipples and her toon poon in the pages of November’s Playboy. Marge will even take the cover. THAT SLUT! The interview and three-page pictorial will run in honor of The Simpson 20th anniversary. Marge isn’t going to pull any of that Heidi Montag fuckery by covering the goods. Marge is going all the way. Yeah, I didn’t think I’d ever see a blue snatch stache in Playboy, but there’s a first time for everything. And I doubt it if Marge will even need a little help from Photoshop.
And when I typed “Marge Simpson naked” into Google, the first thing that “came” up was a gonzo porn site devoted to The Simpsons. I thought my brain was a permanent resident of the gutter, but these hos outdid me. If you’ve ever wondered what a Marge Simpson gang bang looks like, (NOT SAFE FOR YOUR SOUL) then click on over. If you get the tingles, keep it yourself (that was a note to self).
These are the pictures the bitches at Summer’s Eve don’t want you to see! Do you suddenly feel like your vagina is so squeaky clean that you could serve a five-course meal off of it?! Well, let the family know that Thanksgiving dinner is on your labia lips this year, because one quick look at Jon Gosselin and Christian Audigier in St. Tropez will leave your cooze fresher than a baby angel’s fart. And if you stare long enough, your ovaries will turn inside out and refuse to serve, so this shit is like birth control too! Two birds!
Jon Gosselin is still in St. Tropez with his 22-year-old whore where he’s apparently talking to Christian about working for Ed Hardy. Jon and Christian are just two dingles in an asshole! I mean, they are so close that Christian even commissioned a wax statute of his new best friend Jon (see the first thumbnail). Or maybe that’s an artistic interpretation of their new friendship. PEENANA!
Remember when Courtney Love was traipsing the streets of Beverly Hills with hundreds of “important financial documents” screaming about how someone stole all her money. You know, she was yammering on and on about magical evil trolls that snuck into her wallet and robbed her of millions of dollars. Well, the First Lady of Batshit Crazy got a lawyer to believe her. Yeah, a lawyer will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as you keep that retainer warm and full.
One of Courtney’s lawyers told Page Six that a team of investigators and forensic accountants found out that thieves stole around $30 million in cash and $500 million in real estate from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Court’s lawyer, Scooby Doo, said, “We will be filing civil cases . . . within the next 30 days. There are many, many millions missing. We’ve only been able to track down $30 million, but there is more. And then there is the real estate. There is now a web of homes which were bought, flipped and used to launder money — up to $500 million worth. Any of the property we can get back will be donated to people who have lost their homes in foreclosures.”
Courtney said she noticed she was broke when all the money was gone. Yeah, that’ll happen if you take up permanent residence inside a crack pipe. Court’s lawyer said that when she found out she had no more money, she hired people to look into it. The authorities are also involved. Scooby went on to say, “When Mr. Cobain died in 1994, he left his enormously wealthy estate behind for the benefit of his mother, two sisters, a brother, his wife and young daughter. Many of those [involved with] the estate’s coffers mismanaged, stole and outright looted it shamelessly.”
SPOILER ALERT: You know where all that money went? Up her motherfucking nose! Just like that. Court’s nose even knew it was doing some shady shit, so it disguised itself to look like Jacko’s penis head. Lock it up.
And I hope this goes to trial eventually, because think of all the amazing moments Court will create on the stand! She will put the loons in all my favorite afternoon court shows to SHAME!
And here they are. It’s Kristen Johnston and Kathryn Hahn as Patsy and Edina on the set of the American slaughter of the British treasure Absolute Fabulous. No, it wasn’t a vodka-induced nightmare. Is this real life? Yes it is.
Kristen and Kathryn can dump their costumes and scripts into that trash can and run for it. There’s still time! There’s still time to save the world. You know, I shouldn’t fucking judge something that hasn’t even aired yet, but look at them. At them, look. They look like two PTA moms who are trying to dress as Patsy and Edina for Slutoween. You can’t try, you just have to be.
But I’m hoping these hos will prove me wrong. And expect to see HoHan in the exact same outfit Kristen is wearing. I think the costumers went through her dirty laundry.