The floor of a Barnes & Noble in NYC was covered with flopping vulva, because when Rob “Pretty Hurts” Lowe sashayed on through for a book signing, the coochies of dozens of woman blew right off. And the only way you’re reading this is if you have eyeballs on your tongue, because I’m sure you’re licking Rob’s pretty pretty face – Lainey Gossip 

The Ultimate Warrior died – The Superficial

And I’m just going to assume that this “pants off, ass up” photo shoot starring RiRi is for the cover of American Vogue – Drunken Stepfather

But when isn’t Brandi Glanville filling her plastic mouth hole with whiskey and Xanax tea? – Celebitchy

In other words, Pimp Mama Kris bought 399,999 copies of Vogue – Reality Tea

Minnie Driver’s in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna

Derrick Gordon has become the first NCAA Division 1 basketball player to publicly announce that he loves peen! – Towleroad

I can’t wait for Chris Martin to fight back against Goopy Paltrow’s smear campaign by leaking pictures of her eating a piece of bread not made from organic flax seed flour cultivated by a 125-year-old farmer in Belgium – Jezebel

The GOOP Film Festival sounds like Hell’s answer to Cannes – Pajiba

Justin Bieber has his favorite diaper-changer back in his life again – Popoholic

Some hot pieces I’d like to do the Downward Dog with – The Berry

And Jill Duggar’s fiance went on to say, “It was great to grab her hand for the first time, but I had to pull away real quick to cover up the wet spot on my crotch.” – ICYDK

The minion who runs Kim Kardashian’s Instagram page is as dumb as she is (it’s probably Rob) – IDLYITW

Madge’s homeless brother sings “Like A Prayer” and sings it better live than she does – HuffPo

Beyonce wants you to know she went on another vacation none of us will ever be able to afford – Popsugar

Katie Holmes and Jason Segel are not sucking on each other’s fuck parts – Just Jared

Please let those red cans slip, please let those red cans slip – SOW

Justin Long’s got Derp Face and Bruce Jenner hair, and I still would – Moe Jackson

This B list mostly television actor who always talks about his family values and doesn’t take roles that compromise his values was at a strip club in Tijuana this weekend. I wonder what his wife thinks about that. (CDAN)

I don’t think the tip of Kirk Cameron’s fingers have even come close to touching the bottom of the B-list, but if there’s a God and that God is annoyed by Kirk Cameron’s sanctimonious shit as much as we are, this blind item is about him. And please let our eyes be gifted with a picture of the most annoying Cameron (which is saying a lot, see: Candace Cameron and Cameron Diaz) sitting all by his lonesome in the middle of a Tijuana strip club with nothing but a Subway sandwich on his lap. But you know, he probably wasn’t at a Tijuana strip club. He was at a Tijuana donkey show. Kirk was only there because he thought a “Tijuana donkey show” is a show where they recreate birth of Baby Jesus in the manger.

While hanging out with his baby mama and his harem, this A list everything guy managed to find time to have sex with a pap. Our A lister said he just wanted to do his part for good relations. (CDAN)

Simon Cowell? And I’m guessing the pap did it, because after years of taking pictures of the furry mincemeat pies on his chest, she could no longer resist the urge to drown her face in them.

This Actress wants you to think that she is down to earth, but she is not.

She was at JFK International Airport, waiting for an flight from New York to London, when she had a meltdown over the boarding procedure. She was at the front of the line, but the airline was boarding people with special needs and people with small children first.

Our Actress began yelling at the ticket attendant. This isn’t an exact quote, but pretty close: “But you should have let ME board first! I’m in first class! I need to be let on the airplane first! I can’t board with the rest of these people! It’s too chaotic with small children and people in wheelchairs! I have a first class ticket! Do you understand what that means? That means that I get everything FIRST! I eat first, I drink first, and I board first! That’s what first class means!” (Blind Gossip)

Goopy Paltrow doesn’t want you to think she walks the same earth as you, so I’ll go with America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence?

This male celebrity screwed up and his celebrity wife kicked him to the curb. He has made public statements about wanting her back and claims that he is doing everything possible to be a good and faithful husband.

Ha! Not even close!

Cheater has a secret girlfriend! Let’s talk about her.

She is a college student, which makes her a lot younger than Cheater. Tall girl with long, blonde hair. College Girl is attending school in the United States but is originally from another country. She is not famous.

The couple was set up by a mutual Friend. He has the same profession as Cheater, but is not quite as famous as him. Friend is from the same country as College Girl.

Cheater and College Girl have been quietly and carefully dating for several months now. He is rich, so he flies her out to stay with him wherever he goes.

So the next time you hear Cheater talking so sincerely about how hard he is working to get his wife back… know that he is shedding those crocodile tears right before hopping back into bed with his girlfriend, College Girl! (Blind Gossip)

Robin Thicke. Period. The end. Goodnight.

I was doing some research on a film from back in the day that has come up a few times in the past week. It has come up because the star of the film has some other projects she is plugging now and a lot of the old stories about the movie are resurfacing. There will be a blind about that movie next week. while doing the research though, I saw one of my favorites in the cast list and clicked on her name to see what she is up to now. When I clicked, I had to blink a couple of times because I thought to myself that couldn’t be right. She would never do that. It turns out she would. She is an actress who has literally been around forever, but never looks old. She is considered a mostly television actress and had a nice long run on a hit cable television show that ended not that long ago. She is known though for something much more important in history. I consider her to be the first “it girl.” The first time that term may have been used. That is a big honor. Anyway, she has a secret that she only shared with a few people who got drunk with her back in the day in the club that will never be duplicated. She says she had sex with one of the most infamous people in history. She had so many details that no one left an encounter with her doubting her story. As far as I know she has not mentioned it to anyone in decades and my source from that club who was there every night and is still friends with her today says she never mentions it. She is afraid of the damage it might cause her career now. So, that is what makes what she is doing now, so damn interesting.(CDAN)

The club is obviously Studio 54, but when I Google “the first it girl” I get Clara Bow and unless Clara Bow is a vampire and has been around this entire time, this isn’t about her. I’ve got nothing and usually when I’ve got nothing, I guess Betty White. So I’ll go with Betty White and John Gotti? Solved it!

In “Girl, stop fucking with your beauty” news, TMZ says that the prettiest princess to come out of the Disney kingdom, Zac Efron, got another blow to his Maybe He’s Born With It face on Sunday when he got into a fight with a group of homeless people on Skid Row in Downtown L.A. There are two reasons to go to Skid Row late at night if you’re not homeless: 1) DRUGS and; 2) To put on a white blonde wig and sing the part of Audrey in a re-enactment of “Skid Row” from Little Shop of Horrors. The second one is a definite possibility, but I’m going to guess that Zac made a trip to Skid Row to get him some bad shit.

TMZ says that just after midnight on Sunday, the cops saw Zac and his bodyguard fighting with 3 homeless dudes. The cops broke up the fight and then questioned Zac. Zac told the police that he and his bodyguard were driving through Skid Row when their car “ran out of gas” and as they were waiting for a tow truck to come and get them, he threw a bottle out of the window and it broke near the group of homeless dudes. The homeless dudes came at Zac Efron’s bodyguard and Zac got out of the car to help. Zac trying to help his bodyguard led to him getting “cold cocked in the mouth” by one of the homeless dudes. I’m not into rough trade, so when I Google “Zac Efron cocked in the mouth,” this is not the story I want to see.

The police didn’t put anyone into handcuffs, because they labeled the situation as “mutual combat.” One source said that Zac was “obviously intoxicated” (read: on some shit). Zac went to rehab twice last year for a coke addiction and last November he busted his pretty when he “slipped and fell” on a puddle outside of his house.

The “Skid Row” part of L.A. is near a lot of clubs and restaurants in Downtown, so Zac could’ve been telling the truth, but survey says: NO. But really, Skid Row?! I thought one of the bonuses of being a famous millionaire is that you just have to press a button in your mansion and 5 minutes later a dealer carrying a briefcase full of your mind-numbing substance of choice shows up? Skid Row?! How dreadful. This is Nick Stahl levels of tragic. The entire cosmetics industry will collapse if Zac Efron goes from being a Cover Girl to dethroning Lindsay Lohan as the Hollywood Faces Of Meth Queen.

Sister Act is real. Sister Cristina Scuccia, whom I’m guessing was a lounge singer in Sicily and was put under protective custody in a convent after a mobster put a hit out on her, sang the holy spirit into everyone’s souls when she performed Alicia Keys’ “No One” for the judges on The Voice of Italy. I was going to ask whatever happened to that “only God can judge me” thing, but then I saw Raffaella Carrà who is practically God.

As soon as the musical notes came out of the 25-year-old Sicilian nun’s mouth, the audience went crazy and mostly because if they didn’t they’d be declared God haters and they’d have to pledge their devotion to Satan. Then they’d have to go to Satanic rituals where they’d run into at least one Kardashian. One huge reason to not be a Satanist is to avoid running into a Kardashian at those ritual things.

Anyway, Sister Cristina sang her rosary off and all judges eventually turned around and each of them were shocked to see a nun in front of them. They all realized that they should probably turn around when the voice of Jesus whispered into their ears, “Bitch, you better hit that button.” I wanted Sister Cristina to go with Raffaella, because why wouldn’t you go with Raffaella, but she went with rapper J-Ax.

The best part of Sister Cristina’s entire performance was her fellow nuns doing the DIO SANTO (Note: Google Translation tells me “dio santo” is “SANTO DIOS” in Italian, so if it’s wrong, scream at that Google Translation bitch) jump every time a judge turned around.

If you’re going to be on The Voice, you need a trio of nuns cheering your ass on. It’s the only way.

via Buzzfeed, GIF via Jezebel

The marketing people behind that Captain America: Winter Soldier shit really dropped the ball tit, because ScarJo’s chichis should’ve gotten top billing over her, Chris Evans and even Samuel L. Jackson. At least someone (see: the genius staffer in the blue jeans) knows who the star attractions really are.

At the Hollywood premiere of Captain America 2, Woody Allen’s cheerleader (“Um, err, if she’s my cheerleader, can she bounce just a little bit more while cheering me on? Oh, what am I saying, she’s underage!” – Woody Allen) dressed herself up like a snooty French widow who found out her husband was broke after he died and was forced to get a job spraying perfume at a department store. At tonight’s UK premiere in London, a knocked up ScarJo dressed herself up like a drunk and WASPY mother of the bride at a Christmas Eve wedding. All that fabric at her crotch looks like a really elegant and sophisticated wave of period blood is coming out of her. And I’m going to guess that before her makeup artist painted on her eyeliner, the fire alarm of her hotel went off and they had to run out of there. She looks like this office manager at a place I used to work at who stupidly put on her makeup in the car while sitting in traffic and didn’t bother with the eyeliner, because she didn’t want to poke her eyeballs out.

In conclusion: looking like a messy mother of the bride with a half-painted face IS the look.

Here’s more of ScarJo, Chris Evans (who always looks like he’s staring at a beautiful sunset while totally constipated), Anthony Mackie, Samuel L. Jackson and other hos at the UK premiere tonight.

Pics: Wenn.com

Even Candace Cameron Bure read that headline and went “Shoot girl, are you ever allowed out of the house? Blink once for yes and twice for HELP A BITCH ESCAPE!”

Shakira gave an interview to Billboard where she talks about having to ask her boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, for permission to shoot that fake gayelle tourism video with Rihanna. That alone was enough for my eyes to hyperspeed into a cut-eye that said ‘Excuse you and excuse your permission-asking bullshit.’ But then she hit the gas hard and plowed right into an International Women’s Day parade:

“He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women,” she says with a laugh. “It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. It’s out of the question – which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person that he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.”

She’s not allowed to even think about filming a music video with another man? Shit, dickmatized doesn’t even come close to describing Shakira’s relationship with her boyfriend; it’s more like dickmatrapped. Adam Levine, Usher, and Blake Shelton need to stop whatever they’re doing (humping a lingerie model, putting Bieber down for a nap, hiding in the garage from Miranda Lambert) and force Shakira to watch Sleeping with the Enemy and The Stranger Beside Me, followed by singing I’m Every Woman into their hair brushes.

And speaking of Adam Levine; Shakira’s boyfriend can’t be that territorial if he’s letting her sit next to the King of the Man Sluts on The Voice. Or maybe he’s made peace with the fact that Adam’s hoo-hoo hungry dick is able to hunt down snatch like the Predator and there’s nothing he can do about it.

(Pic: Splash)