RT to welcome @jasoncollins34 to Brooklyn! #Nets pic.twitter.com/D05R9td9cx

— Brooklyn Nets (@BrooklynNets) February 23, 2014

And to answer the question in your head after reading that headline, yes, I had to Google to see what the NBA stood for, because I wasn’t quite sure. The National Beyonce Admirers Club? The National footBall Association? The National Basketball Association? Yeah, that’s it.

Back in April, professional 35-year-old basketball player Jason Collins did the hand-to-face pose on the cover of Sports Illustrated and announced that yes, he likes peen and man ass. Jason was a free agent at the time, but he’s a free agent no more. The Brooklyn Nets tweeted a picture of Jason Collins signing a 10-day contract with their asses. The Nets burped out this statement to USA Today after Jason Collins signed his name on the contract, making that shit official:

“The decision to sign Jason was a basketball decision. We needed to increase our depth inside, and with his experience and size, we felt he was the right choice for a 10-day contract. Jason told us that his goal was to earn another contract with an NBA team. Today, I want to commend him on achieving his goal. I know everyone in the NBA family is excited for him and proud that our league fosters an inclusive and respectful environment.”

I had to look up that 10-day contract shit, because I thought it was a typo and then thought that these motherfuckers created the 10-day contract for Jason and Jason only. Homophobic whores! But I guess the 10-day contract is pretty normal this late in the season. The 10-day contract is when a free agent type signs a contract which lasts 10 days or 3 games, whichever comes first. A team can only sign a player to two 10-day contracts. After the 10 or 20 days is up, the team either has to say their goodbyes or sign the player up for the rest of the season. The more we all know.

ESPN says that Jason Collins is expected to play tonight during the Nets vs. Lakers game. So I guess this means that for the first time in the history of my life, I’m going to watch a basketball game tonight. Fire up the bong. I’m going to need it.

(For immediate release courtesy of the Church of $cientology)

PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEWEST LITTLE BUNDLE OF THETANS! Level 12 Scientology wizard Danny Masterson and his wife, Level 10 Scientology elf Bijou Phillips, are pleased to announce they are now the proud parents of a new baby girl. Mommy and Daddy are doing fine (praise Xenu) but baby has already given an off-the-charts E-meter reading that tells us she desperately needs 50 CC’s of barely water and the teachings of My First Dianetics to help her walk on the path of happiness.

That’s where I stop writing jokes about Scientology, because I’m afraid I’ll get a knock at my door and two men with lifts in their shoes will escort me to a “party” being thrown by Shelly Miscavige and Katie Holmes’s whistleblowing prepaid cell phone. On Valentine’s Day, Forever Hyde’s wife Bijou birthed out a baby friend and today he uploaded this photo of the two of them taking a nap to Instagram with the caption:

Hello friends. Beyond thrilled to announce The birth of our daughter Fianna Francis Masterson! Mom and baby are doing amazing. You can all refer to me as dj dadpants from now on.

Even though Fianna sounds like the name of Shrek’s deadbeat sister-in-law who’s always pressuring him to invest in her online scrapbooking business, I applaud these two for dealing her half a hand with Francis (and also because I’m a sucker for a good Malcolm in the Middle reference). So congratulations Bijou and Danny! And prepare yourselves for 16 years in the future when Wilmer Valderama shows up on your doorstep with a 6-pack of beer asking “Hey guys, is Fianna home?”

(Pic: Instagram)

What is it with super-secret weddings? They’re so hot right now! In the event you’re planning a wedding and you don’t know what’s trendy, just remember:

IN – Super-secret weddings!!!!

OUT – Giving your family and friends the heads-up that you’re getting married (ew, suh tacky)

The rest is all arbitrary: pick a cake, have an open bar to prevent your family from hating you forever, post a picture to Instagram and wait for the ‘likes’ to roll in. Or just skip the last part and let your ex-husband announce it on Twitter, like Kimora Lee Simmons did.

After reading a rumor online that Kimora was dating rapper and possible oil tycoon Birdman, Russell Simmons proved he has the heart of a yoga turtle and bravely cleared her good name (for real, read that super-embarrasing shit about Birdman’s oil company) on Twitter by letting everyone know she’s been off the market for a while:

All of us love @OfficialKimora but the fact is she is happily married. . Tim is has been family for a while now. #gossipcop….

— Russell Simmons (@UncleRUSH) February 19, 2014

I know, official RIP to Djimora Lee Simsou. As it turns out, shortly after their split, Kimora hooked up with investment banker Tim Leissner. Gareth from The Office face with an investment banker booty? You don’t say. You’ve got to hand it to Kimora; bitch takes a great mugshot and runs a tight gold digger game. Get it bitch! I hope your super-secret wedding also involved a super-secret pre-nup (Shhh…it doesn’t exist! Yaaaay). Congrats to you Kimora Lee Simmons Leissner! I’d say Mazel Tov, but it looks like this situation calls for a Clickety Clack.

That coffee table is really ugly. Now that we’ve gotten the important shit out of the way….

THE MOST HATED WOMAN ON THE INTERNET Evil Menses is on Ellen today and I guess Ellen DeGeneres didn’t want to come out and ask her if she’s still making the Goslingers rabidly foam at the mouth with rage by wrapping her life-ruining snatch over Ryan Gosling’s peen. Ellen DeGeneres played it subtle and instead asked Eva if she has any plans for Valentimes. Eva pretty much threw a bitch wink at the shippers who refuse to believe that Ryan Golsing and Rachel McAdams ever broke up.

Evil: I’m not a big Valentine’s Day person. I’ll probably just order a deep dish and watch The Notebook or something.

Ellen: Just cry.

Evil: Just cry.

I see you, bitch, I see you and I’m slowly applauding. What Eva meant by that is that her haters will be eating their pepperoni and cheese-covered feelings while watching the cat parody of The Notebook with their cat children while she deep throats their Canadian God. Cry, bitches, cry. Your tears are her lube.

Ellen also asked Eva about the rumor that she’s got a GosFetus growing in her womb. You know, that rumor that her publicist probably planted themselves in the garden of the tabloids. Eva says she’s not knocked up.

This all started, it’s so ridiciulous. It all started, because I didn’t want to go through the scanners at the airport. You know those x-ray scanners, which are really creepy. They basically see you naked, right? And not only that, but there’s a radiation aspect to it, so I always opt-out. I always ask for a personal pat down.

…I never go through the scanners. They thought that was good enough reason to say, “Hey….”

Eva’s reason for not wanting to go through the scanner is the reason why I do go through the scanner. It’s the only time when somebody sees me naked and doesn’t immediately put on their coat, grab their bag and head toward the nearest exit. Although, the TSA agents still do that when I come through the scanner. Besides, like Eva is really going to let someone who didn’t pay her day rate of $50,000 (I’m estimating) see her naked. It’s not like you can (NSFW) Google it or anything.

via UsWeekly

Spotted! The beer fridge in Canada Olympic House in #Sochi #wearewinter pic.twitter.com/E3hMUTtQRt

— Molson Canadian (@Molson_Canadian) February 9, 2014

Leave it to Canada (aka Ireland Jr) to haul a giant beer-filled vending machine to the Sochi Olympics. Canadians love beer so much, that thing probably got a first class seat on the plane ride over to Russia, and it would have marched in the Parade of Nations during the Opening Ceremonies, if it hadn’t gotten drunk, attacked a decorative tree, then passed out on the couch while watching Trailer Park Boys.

Time says that the fridge was installed by Molson Canadian in the Canadian Olympic House and works by inserting a Canadian passport, waiting for the age and citizenship to be verified, then dispensing a beer. No where in that description is payment mentioned, which means this machine could be dispensing free beers. Well, so long second-place medal standing; it was nice knowing you, but now that there’s an endless supply of free beer, Canadian athletes have better things to do than collect gold medals. Throw on “Summer of 69“, it’s time to get RIGHT FUCKIN’ RIPPED! I’m only half kidding; if Canadian athletes had access to an endless supply of beer, Bryan Adams, and a passport-operated Swiss Chalet dipping sauce machine, they’d never come home.

And I call bullshit on that beer fridge only working for Canadian passports; Canadians are too damn polite to create something so exclusive (they love to share – that’s why they keep giving Bieber back to the US). I bet if you inserted any old passport, a bleep-bloop sounding voice would say: “TECHNICALLY NOT PERMITTED. JUST THIS ONCE THOUGH. DON’T TELL ANYONE, BUD”. But it would never cut you off; you could keep coming back and inserting random scraps of cardboard (like the “flooring” from your hotel room. Sochi joke, nailed it) and it would say: “BEER FRIDGE STARTING TO THINK YOU’RE TAKING ADVANTAGE” then “THAT WAS RUDE. BEER FRIDGE SO SORRY. HERE, TAKE 10 BEERS AS APOLOGY.”

Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and DeVry can either start hammering the FOR LEASE signs into the lawn or skip directly to torching the joint and collecting the insurance money, because their reign as cornerstones of higher learning are official OVER now that we have Miley Cyrus’s Bangerz tour. In an interview with Fuse News (via Time) Miley talks to her sister Brandi about how the ghost of Maria Montessori can go suck a twerk, because kids will be learning everything they need to know from her upcoming tour. Sorry, did I say tour? I meant to say nationwide Mensa meeting:

“Even though parents probably won’t think this, I think my show is educational for kids. [Kids are] going to be exposed to art most people don’t know about. People are taught to look at things so black and white, especially in small towns. I’m excited to take this tour to places where stuff like this wouldn’t get accepted, where kids wouldn’t learn about this different kind of art.”

No word on when PBS will purchase the broadcast rights to Bangerz, but as of this morning, Big Bird, Miss Frizzle, and the kids from ZOOM have been served with letters of termination.

As someone who grew up in the type of small town that considers Thomas Kinkade to be the highest of art, I appreciate what Miley is going for, but this isn’t 1953 and she’s not Elvis grinding the air and shocking the viewers of The Milton Berle Show. I’m pretty sure we started assigning iPhones to fetuses in the womb, so kids already know everything; I’m sure I could go up to a random 8-year-old on the street in Winfield, Kansas and ask them the colors of the 5 most recent too-tight skirts worn by Kim Kardashian and they’d be like “Duh – beige, beige, light beige, winter white, beige.” Thanks to the internet, humans between the ages of 2 and too-damn-old are already very familiar with Miley’s ‘OMG, like so crazy, y’all‘ theatrics, so paying $75 to watch Hannah Montana rub her chipmunk chocha all over the stages of Smalltown USA isn’t exactly going to blow any minds. And it definitely won’t plant the seeds for any future neuroscientists (except for that one curious kid who’s like “I wonder if that white scum on Miley’s tongue is the result of bacteria-tainted jizz or casual inbreeding. To the science lab!”)