Interior designer, NYC socialite and exquisite Manhattan rose Gail Maidman, and her hot Stephen Sondheim face dress!

The name Gail Maidman (Side note: If I ever open up a cleaning service, I’ll call it Gay Maid Man) has never touched my eyes before yesterday when I was scrolling through pictures from the opening night of the New York Philharmonic’s Sweeney Todd starring Emma Thompson. My retinas got moist over her Kim Novak-like face, her Pete Burns lips and more importantly her gorgeous Stephen Sondheim dress. Gail has worn her exquisitely made shrine to Sondheim cocktail dress to a few events, but she should really wear it everywhere. Everyone should know what it feels like to have dozens of shiny Stephen Sondheim faces staring you down.

If Buffalo Bill was obsessed with musical theater and wanted to wear Stephen Sondheim’s skin as an outfit, but was totally grossed out by killing and skinning and stuff, he’d make and wear that dress.

The question I will ask myself all day is: Why isn’t this Stephen Sondheim stalker wallpaper fabric the only fabric that Jo-Ann Fabrics carries?!

Pics: Wenn.com

Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”

Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.

Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
Like me…

I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.

That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack

..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.

At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time

On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!

Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.

If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.

And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.

I get that it’s probably super overwhelming to hear Katniss Everdeen call your name after opening the fancy Oscar envelope, especially if you’re always two stoned sheets to the wind like Matthew McConaughey, but there’s no excuse for forgetting to thank your loved bongos. They’ve stood by him since the very beginning, encouraging him to JKL (just keep livin’) when the haters in his life were telling him to put on a shirt and get out of the sun before his facial skin turns into a piece of KFC Extra Crispy. Those bongos made you who you are today; a perpetual stoner with a severe shirt allergy who wrapped up his Oscar speech with “Awrite Awrite Awrite”.

I’m going to give the Texas T-Rex the benefit of the doubt on this one, because I’m sure if he had an extra minute of time, he would have no doubt thanked his bongos, the Ziploc bag in his freezer of the good shit, and that claw-thing Camilla gave him for Christmas that helps him reach stuff. But he only had 3 and a half minutes, so he had to make the most of it.

And make the most of it he did! I managed to stay mostly-sober for the 3 hours leading up to Matthew McConaughey’s win for Dallas Buyers Club, but I got so high from his first “Yeahahawww, thank you” that I started begging my IKEA floor lamp to run to Taco Bell and order me 8 Doritos Locos taco stuffed with cinnamon twists. Everything about his speech took me higher: from his impromptu TED Talk on God and the amazing visual of his Ghost Dad drunkenly dancing around a pot of gumbo in his underwear, to thanking his exquisite Texas Topaz mother and getting choked up over his wife. Stay sweet, stay stoned, never change.

Here’s more of a cleaned-up Wooderson with his wife Camilla, who gets two-thumbs-up from me for walking the red carpet in a pink Snuggie. She’s following the one rule I have about fashion: it should be comfortable enough to easily accommodate a nap.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

If you notice that service is a little slower today at your local pawn shop, it’s because Lindsay Lohan has bombarded them with phone calls and begging for price estimates on everything of value in her home. She’s going to have to hock an awful lot of stolen jewellery and all her Teen Choice Award surfborts in order to obtain the cash needed to buy Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape and use it as “inspiration” (NSFW) for her next photo shoot.

According to Radar (via Daily News) there’s a good possibility a sex tape starring Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy not only exists, but will be hitting the auction block next week. The owner of the 8mm tape, former Hollywood bodyguard William Castleberry, says he chose never to release it out of respect for baseball player Joe DiMaggio. But the tape was seized after Castleberry failed to make a $90,000 balloon payment to lawyers regarding the $200,000 sale of a fake statue. The tape, along with lots of other shit from his house, will be sold at auction to pay off the debt.

No one is able to view the tape before they buy it, and the only person who claims to have seen it is a guy who sells fake statues for a living, so I have a feeling this whole thing is set to go down like a disappointing episode of A&E’s Storage Wars. “Next up for bidding is an 8mm tape of what might be Marilyn Monroe letting Mr. President and his brother Robert invade her Bay of Pigs. It could also be boring home movies from the Smith Family Christmas or an educational filmstrip about rain. In all likelihood, the canister contains a dead cockroach in a pile of disintegrated film dust. We’ll start the bidding at $10,000.”

If you looked at this picture of the Cryptkeeper’s sassy grandma and got the feel goods in your no-nos, I’d strongly advise you to call up a shrink or an exorcist or something, because no one with a shred of sanity left should ever get turned on by a cream-covered Joan Rivers. That’s the kind of secret you take to your grave, like having not-right feelings for your cousin or that time you shoplifted Alanis from Sears.

Last night, Joan Rivers confused onlookers when she emerged from the QVC pre-Oscars event at the Four Seasons (everything about that sentence sounds so alagant to me) angry, disheveled, and covered in cream. She wouldn’t say what happened, but unless she was outing herself as a sploshing enthusiast (do not google that), it was clear that she had been cake bombed.

However, something in the milk wasn’t clean to me. The placement of the cream on her face was too precise to be the result of an ambush. And unless there was a second cake bomber from above, the angle to which the cream hit her hair is too high. I don’t believe she was cake bombed at all; I believe this was…A STAGED PUBLICITY STUNT. You can call me Marg Helgenberger, cause I just CSI-ed the b-hole out of this bitch.

Aaaaaand, I was right. According to E! Online, the reason Joan’s face was covered in cream was because Miss Piggy (no, not Kim K’s dick-hungry crotch hog…Miss Piggy the muppet) pushed her into a cake backstage at the party. Well, the hand up a puppet’s ass pushed her into a cake. Apparently, the two have some kind of human-puppet feud, probably because Joan Rivers is jealous of Miss Piggy’s natural-looking facial sculpting (Fix-A-Flat will never be a substitute for high-density foam). Of course, their cake-fight just happens to coincide with Miss Piggy’s appearance on QVC and the release of the film Muppets Most Wanted.

Here’s more of Joan looking like what might pop out of a cake at the world’s most terrifying birthday party, as well as Joan after her fight with Miss Piggy:

(Pics: Splash)

“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.

Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.

Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:

“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.

He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”

Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.

Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.

Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.

Pics: Splash