He took off for the desert recently. To relax. And party. Without his girl. And gets high and hooks up with random men online (he likes them super pretty and super jacked), inviting them to his hotel room for a night of drugs and sex.

Two problems here. First, he’s a recovering addict and second, when he goes on these tears, he doesn’t use condoms. It’s the kind of reckless behaviour he’s been able to control through much of his success and for many years now. Curiously though, the last time this happened it was also during one of his transformations. Back then though, there was no explosion of social media and everyone taking pictures. Considering that he’s been hooking up with dudes who are on the young side (but totally legal), he’s risking being exposed by someone who’s out to show off and exploit. (Lainey Gossip)

So when I did a quick Google search for famous recovering addicts, I got this: Robert Downey Jr., Alec Baldwin Robin Williams, B. Coop, Tracy Morgan, Steven Tyler, Eminem, Ben Affleck and Michael J. Fox. I don’t think it’s RDJ or Tracy Morgan or Steven Tyler or Eminem or Michael J. Fox. It can’t be Alec Baldwin, because I don’t think he’s ever had a “transformation” unless you count him transforming from an asshole into a bigger asshole. I don’t think it’s Robin Williams, because there’s been no report of young, hot buff dudes going to the ER after a giant ball of fur got lodged in their throats and assholes. That leaves Ben Affleck and B. Coop? Ben Affleck is way too busy getting kicked out of casinos to bareback a Grindr hookup. So I’ll say B. Coop? Or Alec Baldwin. It’s totally Alec Baldwin.

Australian stunner Sophie Monk says she’s “saved two celebrities” in calling an ambulance after drugs got the best of them.

The 34-year-old singer-actress, speaking with Australia’s 2Day FM, recanted the surreal life experience, herself an international star with access to ultra-exclusive shindigs of unparalleled revelry. (She did not, understandably, name the famous faces she saved.)

“I was walking through this party and they said, ‘Meet this celebrity’,” the beauty recalled to the Show and Tell’s Merrick Watts and Jules Lund. “All of a sudden I was like, ‘She’s had too much’, and she starts convulsing like crazy. All her best friends and everyone left the party. I mean, everyone, within five minutes, left that party thinking they were going to get in trouble.

“They stripped her off naked, ran a shower, left her in it and left her in the bathroom naked and everyone left.”

“I said, ‘I’m not leaving,” the London-born beauty said. “I found a dressing gown in a closet, covered her, called the ambulance and there was foam coming from her mouth. They had to strap her down — she would have died easy.”

As the saying goes, however, no good deed goes unpunished — a rule that, apparently, applies tenfold in Tinseltown.

“The next day, [the overdosed celebrity] goes, ‘Who was that bitch that called [the ambulance]?’ because she couldn’t remember anything,” Monk said, adding that a previous incident occurred on a separate occasion. (Radar via Blind Gossip)

That “bitch that called the ambulance” line is typical LiLo, so I’ll guess LiLo?

One actor you won’t be seeing contributing to GLAAD anytime soon is this almost A+ list mostly movie actor. Reporters know not to ask any questions about his stance on homosexuality because he won’t answer the question and will walk out of the interview. He is a big enough star where he gets to decide who interviews him and those people know the rules. He dumped several women before he met his wife because he heard they had threesomes which included other women. He doesn’t do that. There are reports that he used to pick fights in bars with guys he suspected of being gay and then beat them. he has literally no tolerance for anyone in his life who might be gay. You will never see him knowingly work with anyone who is gay. He is perhaps the most homophobic person in Hollywood which is saying something because he owes his career to some very gay people and fans who gave him his big break.(CDAN)

That ass wart Marky Mark? Hmm, I guess nobody told him that Optimum Prime loves himself some Transformers dick.

Hidden Treasures Cereal from the 1980s’ afterbirth known as the 90s!

My brain is a half-broken, scrambled DOS computer that never knows what year it is, so last night I was thinking about cereal from the 80s and 90s and I remembered this one cereal that was shaped like mini-wheats and were like tiny Toaster Strudels. After doing extensive research (read: a 10-second Google search), I discovered that my brain burped up the memory of Hidden Treasure cereal from 1993! I never put my mouth on Hidden Treasures, but I crave it (I can say that about most things, actually). Hidden Treasures cereal was made up of these puffed up corn squares.

It was called Hidden Treasures, because you had to hunt for the deliciousness. Some of those corn pockets were empty and others were filled with a fruit-flavored icing. You’d put your mouth on one and nothing would come out, so you’d move on to the next one and that one might hit your mouth with juicy filling. If it was an adult cereal it’d be called “Night At The Glory Hole.”

Oh, Hidden Treasures cereal, I never got to eat you, but I love you.

Panty Creamer of the Day: Matt Boner in Out Magazine. I’ll leave you to chew his pit fur with your eyes – Towleroad

A beefy, hairy B. Coop and his girl beard are still together and if they’re going to keep doing this they should really coordinate their looks, because he’s giving me “bear dad trying to go incognito while trolling for dick in a park bathroom” and she’s giving me “shit I bought at Carol Channing’s yard sale” – Lainey Gossip

Thank GOD (no, literally thank GOD) that Jesus rose from the dead or we wouldn’t have these pictures of models in bunny ears – Drunken Stepfather

Emma Stone has probably been reading the comments here – Celebitchy

One bleached blond whose lips are usually covered in red car paint is replacing a bleached blond whose lips are usually covered in red car paint on The Voice – Reality Tea

“Keep fucking that rabbit” is 2014’s “Keep fucking that chicken” – Jezebel

Johnny Depp’s box office appeal (sans that Pirates of the Caribbean shit) is falling along with his hotness – Defamer

This Thai PSA also proves that surprise parties are generally the worst and always ruin everything – Buzzfeed

I see that Vanessa Hudgens is still in character as the mess she played in Spring Breakers – Hollywood Tuna

Even Lea Michele’s nipples are annoying – The Superficial

Leighton Meester is wearing a busted dress that a bride would make her bridesmaids wear if she really, really hated their asses – Popoholic

If you’re ever out of Ambien, just stare at these pictures of Ashley Greene leaving the gym while holding a water bottle – IDLYITW

Julia Roberts talks about the dead sister who hated her – ICYDK

And I bet Simon Cowell made his party guests lick that Viagra ice cream off of his juicy man tits – OMG Blog

Leonardo DiCaprio might play Steve Jobs – HuffPo

The Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Award: Famous hos posing with their younger (and pre-Botoxed) selves – The Berry

Robin Williams’ mansion looks like one of the nicer Hiltons – Popsugar

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence’s hair is growing – Just Jared

Pic: OUT

Kanzi, the marshmallow-roasting, Pac-Man-beating genius bonobo ape who is smarter than most humans (I’m not naming names…. TERESA GIUDICE!!!).

Kanzi currently lives at the Great Ape Trust in Des Moines, Iowa where he’s the alpha male and his adoptive mother Matata is the chief leader. Kanzi was born at a field station at Emory University and a quick minute after he came out of his mom’s vagine, he was stolen and adopted by Matata. Matata raised Kanzi and she’d take him to her sessions where she was taught language through keyboard lexigrams. During those lessons, Kanzi wasn’t really into that shit, but then one day he started using the lexigrams without any assistance from Matata or humans.

Now at 33, Kanzi can communicate with humans through lexigrams, knows a little sign language (thanks to Koko), is a master tool maker, can beat the first level in Pac-Man and most importantly he knows that marshmallows are extra delicious when you roast them. On the BBC One series Monkey Planet, Kanzi snaps twigs for a fire, lights them with a match and then roasts a marshmallow. Kanzi’s trainer said that one day he pointed to the symbols for “marshmallows” and “fire.” When they gave him marshmallows and matches, he made graham cracker and chocolate-less s’mores.

The Rise of the Planet of the Apes IS happening. It begins…

We should all just surrender to the apes now. Because when they declare war on us humans and we’re all standing at the battles lines, Kanzi will walk to the front, make a fire, roast a marshmallow and wave it at us. Most of us will drop our weapons and immediately join his side, because roasted marshmallows are delicious.

via Tastefully Offensive

The good news is that L.A.-based rapper Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson), who cut off his dick before jumping off of a second story balcony, has been downgraded from critical condition to stable condition. The bad news is that doctors weren’t able to sew his peen back on John Wayne Bobbitt-style and his peen has been laid to rest in a peen coffin.

TMZ (of course) somehow found out that doctors at Cedars-Sinai were unable to re-attach Andre Johnson’s peen. Meanwhile, Wu-Tang Clan had to kick a dude while he’s down, out and mourning his peen. Yesterday, they threw up a note on Instagram and their blog (via The Village Voice) denying that Christ Bearer has ever been part of the Wu-Tang brand.

Parental Advisory : Don’t Believe The HYPE. This Mother Fucker Ain’t Got Shit to do with WUTANG ..~Mr .TANG Www.WuTangclan.com

Someone has since erased that note from Wu-Tang’s Instagram and their blog. Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar and they were discovered by RZA and he’s worked with the West Coast Killa Beez, so he IS affiliated with Wu-Tang. Who knows why they’ve cut him off and are pulling a Mimi by saying, “I don’t know him.”

And back to the peen coffin. I Googled “penis coffin” and this came up. Now I know what I want to be buried in.

Last month, the NYC chain of drugstore which used to be the Brooklyn home of all my lotion, beer and chicharones needs, tweeted a picture from Just Jared of humanity’s extra-smelly tonsil stone Katherine Heigl wearing a giant dog turd around her neck while leaving one of their stores with bags full of suppositories, butt douches, laxatives and other products to help get the stick out of her ass (SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work). Heigl hates everything and she kicks flowers for fun, but she really hated that Duane Reade used her, AN INTERNATIONAL MOVIE AND TV SUPERSTAR, to promote their stores without paying up. So she’s suing them for a third of her net worth.

UsWeekly says that Heigl’s lawyers tried to get Duane Reade to delete the tweet, but they pissed on all those requests and kept it up. So TMZ says that Heigl’s lawyers threw a lawsuit at Duane Reade and they’re asking for at least $6 million. If she gets any money from Duane Reade, she says she’ll donate it to an animal charity.

Katherine Phlegm Sound has an endorsement deal with Zzzquil and if they paid her $6 million or more, then they must’ve been high on their own shit when they made that deal. Speaking of being high on one’s own shit, the documents that Heigl’s lawyers filed are made of one hundred percent hilarity and it’s the single-most entertaining thing she’s every contributed to. The documents contain this lukewarm puddle of delusion:

“Plaintiff is a highly successful television and motion picture actress, producer and celebrity. Plaintiff continues to be in high demand in the entertainment industry. A recent search for ‘Katherine Heigl’ on the Google search engine returned over 3.2 million results.”

Hmmm, it’s funny that when you Google, “Katherine Heigl is,” the words, “a highly successful television and motion picture actress,” don’t come up at all. Only this comes up:

What I hate, hate, hate, HATE, hate most about this is that I’m looking at that picture of the humanized crusty loogie over the words, “can’t resist shopping #NYC’s favorite drugstore,” and thinking that she has a case. Everything I know about law I learned from the court room scenes in Dynasty, but it looks like she could win if they don’t settle. Fuck you, Duane Reade, fuck you right in the mouth for making me saying that annoying bitch might right I will never forgive Duane Reade for this and I should sue them for humiliation. But $6 million?! Bitch should settle if Duane Reade offers her a used $25 gift card that’s got $6 on it.