When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you should tell yourself is, “Pete Doherty got arrested today.” You know, so you won’t have a heart attack when you open up the internet and read that Pete Doherty got arrested today.

This is the second time this week that Dreamboat has found himself behind bars. The Guardian says that Dreamy was pulled over in Gloucester on suspicion of DUI. When they searched his car, they found a prayer book and a knitting kit. No, they found drugs. He was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and possession of drugs.

Dreamy is currently keeping it sexy in a jail cell.

Earlier this week, Dreamy was busted in Switzerland after he shot himself up with a needle in the bathroom of an airplane. They slapped him on the wrist, said “BAD CRACKIE” and then released him back into the wild.

In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled.

Tuck your pussies in and grab your Valtrex, because we are all getting on the Rock of Love WAAAAAHMBULANCE.

Right after the hottest piece of scenery in the industry knocked Bret Michaels on his nasty ass at the Tony Awards, he sort of shrugged it off and said it really wasn’t a big deal. Now that he’s realized he can milk the shit out of this situation for attention, he’s crying a different story. Bret posted these pictures of his busted face on his MySpace along with a total STFU statement.

While we are clapping for whoever was responsible for bringing that set piece down on Bret, he’s blaming them. Bret said that he was never “informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage.” Bret was also pissed that a rep for the Tony Awards said Bret had missed his mark and that’s why he got laid out by a super hot piece of scenery (Is it obvious that I’m love with a set piece?). Bret moaned that the Tony people would have cared more if this happened to Dolly Parton, Liza or Elton John.

I think Bret’s weave-danna is on too tight. Liza and Dolly are LEGENDS! If a set piece fell on them, the world would stop and we’d all hold our breaths until we were told there wasn’t a scratch on them. Which there wouldn’t be, because they are both coated with some kind of scratch-proof substance.

Bret added that he doesn’t know how bad his injuries are until his x-rays come back. He must have gone to some back alley free clinic where it takes weeks for x-rays to be processed. Their idea of an x-ray is shining a really bright flash night on his injuries while some crackhead draws a picture of it with a Sharpie. Stupid ass.

Bret is such a wittle baby. The whores on Rock of Love who attempt to eat his asshole probably suffer worse injuries than that. Put a bag over your head and stop whining.

I love how even though he’s busted up he’s still giving us a “Sexy Can I?” face.

VIA TMZ

Who needs to attend a class at the Learning Annex on “Why we use toilet paper“? – Socialite Life

Bret Michaels will risk his life to try and pleasure a woman. The women of the world responded with: “Don’t bother.” – Celebitchy

Isn’t this the way Mickey Rourke usually dresses? – ICYDK

YES! Joy Behar got her own talk show – E! Online

UsWeekly is going for some kind of record – Popeater

Bethenny Frankel’s face is here, and her nipples are here – Celebslam

It’s always drinkin’ time for Danny DeVINO – SOW

Dear Max Drummey, please get the word “CUNTARD” tattooed on your forehead – Holy Moly!

The magical unicorns are on the line, they are wondering why RPattz is trying to suffocate them – I’m Not Obsessed

Since Tom Cooze’s last two movies (that Nazi cacaness and that lamb shit) didn’t even make enough money to cover his monthly anal bleaching bill, he is going back to a sure thing: the Mission Impossible series. J.J. Abrams tells TVGuide (via Coming Soon) that he will once again deal with Tommy’s craziness in order to produce Mission Impossible 4.

J.J. said, “I am incredibly honored that Tom has invited me back as a producer on Mission: Impossible 4. Tom and I have come up with a really cool idea we are pursuing.”

Joo know what’s a mission impossible? Getting me to see a Tom Cooze movie without lying to me by saying that the theater makes their popcorn with Valium oil and that they sell Junior Weed Mints at the counter. Okay, can somebody please start selling Junior Weed Mints. Thank you.

I hope the “cool idea” they are pursuing is casting Suri Cruise as the villainess with anti-depressants as her henchmen.

Outside of Selfridges in London today, David Beckham unveiled his new six-story tall billboard for Emporio Armani Chonies. Whoever organized this event made the mistake of letting David Beckham talk. I’m sorry, but hearing him say something like, “Pip pip! Here’s my sexy new undercrackers billboard! You like?” in his Minnie Mouse voice breaks boners. And I know I’m the only ho looking at his face (I already scanned the peen area), but where are his eyez! Face without eyez! Did Posh get so hongray that she ate his eyeballs?! Possible. Speaking of Posh, it must have been a little weird for Becks to pose all sessy-like with that rope seeing as though it’s still fatter than his wife.

Jeremy Piven is in NYC to continue arbitration with the producers of Speed of the Plow. The producers want Piven to pay up for abruptly bouncing out of the show causing ticket sales to dive. Piven cried “mercury poisoning”, because he claims he ate too much sushi. (Insert Pig Pen pussy joke here).

The producers think something in the milk ain’t clean about that whole mercury poisoning crap, but it’s a serious matter for Piven. Piven told Michigan Avenue Magazine (via Page Six) that the real truth about the dangers of mercury will soon be revealed, “The Obama administration came out and said the No. 1 chemical problem in the world is mercury . . . there will be a lot of documentaries coming out showing what happens when you have too much mercury in your system.” Then Piven joked, “It sounds like some crazy rich man’s disease.”

Maybe Piven had a little mercury poisoning, but the real reason why he quit that bitch had to do with the permanent case of douche flu he suffers from. And the cokey-litis he comes down with every now and again didn’t help matters.

It’s like when a dumb ho calls in sick to work and you know they are really just going to the beach to sun their nalgas. Then they come in the next day whining about how they were on death’s door. You try not to slap their ass while staring at their new natural blonde highlights and sunburn. Piven, I can see your new highlights and sunburn. Just stop!

SPOILER ALERT: The “dumb ho” was me.