Birthday Sluts
Jonah Hill (32)
JoJo (25)
Anoop Desai (29)
Lucy Pinder (32)
Lara Stone (32)
David Cook (33)
Ashley Cole (35)
Todd Phillips (45)
Chris Robinson (49)
Iqbal Theba (52)
Michael Badalucco (61)
Uri Gellar (69)
Dick Wolf (69)
Peter Criss (70)
Pic: Bullett
Open Post: Hosted By Cara Delevingne And St. Vincent Squirting At The Paps
No, you’re not looking at two busted-looking Stormtroopers from a low-budget direct-to-Netflix ripoff of Star Wars: The Force Awakens called Space Fight: The Power Wakes Up. It’s famous eyebrow model Cara Delevingne and her current girlfriend St. Vincent (real name: Annie Clark) looking like two goth teens at a sleepover while spraying the paps waiting in front of Cara’s house with water guns.
On Wednesday, Cara swatted at a pap on Twitter who had tried to take an upskirt pic of her and asked for some revenge ideas, because I guess Dirty Work hasn’t opened a location in London yet. That’s when she made a quick run to London’s version of Toys “R” Us and pick up some tiny Super Soakers (Super Dampeners? Sure). Delevincent shot a couple loads at the paps, and they felt so good about it, they decided to do it again last night before they made their way to a Christmas party at Mick Jagger’s house.
Who knows if Cara and Saint will squirt at the paps every time they see them, but if they really want to take their pap-squirting game to the next level, they should fill their water guns up with AXE body spray. They’ll never see another photographer again if there’s a 100% chance they’ll leave Cara’s house reeking like a douchebag.
Shock Of All Shocks: Star Wars Is Going To Make A Buttload Of Money This Weekend
That’s great news, because if anyone deserves a solid-gold doggy spa filled with Snausages and gravy, it’s international treasure and former Hot Slut Gary Fisher. And now Carrie Fisher can finally splurge on such an expensive luxury item, because her bank account is about to explode harder and faster than all the nerds did on opening night.
In the event you’re an alien who just moved here from a planet that doesn’t receive WiFi signals from Earth, or you’re an Amish teen on Rumspringa, a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened on Friday, and it has already made enough money to pay for Jabba the Hutt’s excess skin removal surgery five times over. Deadline says that as of Saturday morning, movie people have estimated that SW:TFA will make somewhere between $246 million and $254 million, which would be an all-time record opening. Jurassic World is the current opening weekend record holder, with $208 million.
It’s beating a bunch of records too. Deadline says SW:TFA is now the highest-grossing opening day film ever, beating out former #1, Harry Potter 8. Disney says that Star Wars made $120.5 million on Friday, $100 million of which was made in the first 20 hours of its release. To put that into perspective, that’s 10 Aloha opening weekends, or roughly 75 Jems. So basically, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the Adele of movies.
To be honest, I’m SHOCKED that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has made such little money. $254 million? That’s nothing! This is Star Wars we’re talking about, and a legitimate Star Wars (sorry, Jar Jar). I’m more surprised that it wasn’t able to pass the trillion-dollar mark. Did die-hard Star Wars fans not quit their jobs and give 60 days notice on their apartments two months ago so they could move into the movie theater and watch Star Wars 2,800 times in a row like I assumed they would? Hang your head in shame, you should.
Pic: Splash
Farrah Abraham Is Teaching Her Daughter Empathy By Making Her Take Pictures With Her Fans
All together now: Backdoor Farrah’s kid has fans?? Even Goofy looks like he’s responding to that with an “HOL” (H’yuck out loud) in the picture above.
So, according to mother of the decade write-in candidate Farrah Abraham, it’s important for her six-year-old daughter Sophia to be an empathetic person and she’s teaching her how just like the rest of our parents did: by forcing her to do meet-and-greets with the legions of fans who wait hours to see her. Farrah’s Parenting 101 lesson happened over at Cosmopolitan, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before it shows up in some pediatrician’s thesis, because it’s obviously the next big thing in child development.
“Sophia is so quick to be like, ‘I don’t wanna take a photo,’ or, ‘I don’t really want to talk to them.’ She’s loving and she’s kind and she’s giving, and I understand that there’s a lot of people on us a lot of time and it’s a lot of giving, but I also want her to know that these people probably waited hours to meet her. These people traveled a whole day to get here. So it’s just really helping her be more, I guess, empathetic, with her fans, and really knowing what they’re going through to meet her.”
I know parenting is a super hard job and that Farrah is trying to be the best damn 40% medical grade plastic mommy she can be (see: Farrah heroically sacrificing $600 from her vaginal Botox fund and giving it to her daughter when she lost her two front teeth). But really, she doesn’t have to teach Sophia what empathy is by taking selfies with strangers; she already knows! Sophia learned what empathy was the first time she told someone who her mother was, and they responded by giving her a big hug and an “I’m so so sorry, honey.”
Pic: Splash
A Critic Once Called Amy Schumer Ugly, Then Later Asked Her Out On A Date
Usually when I think of the word ugly, my brain immediately pulls out the old Pictonary pad and starts sketching the look of disgust I get from my server at Cracker Barrel every time I ask if the kitchen can mix some sawmill gravy into the scrambled eggs in my Sunrise Sampler. But apparently there is one person who looks at Amy Schumer’s Made by Xavier Roberts face and get the dry heaves.
Yolanda Foster Is Apparently Saying She Doesn’t Have Any Lyme Disease Symptoms
At least according to Radar, she is. So if Yolanda Foster’s Lyme disease doctor is reading this and wondering if his most famous patient has been stepping out on them with another Lyme disease doctor (“That’s cold, Yoyo“) who stamped the words A-OK on her file, well – just know there’s a chance it’s a Lyme-dipped exaggeration. But for now, Radar is passing along the message that Yolanda has apparently been telling people her relationship with Lyme disease is about as active as her marriage to David Foster. Aka, she’s not dealing with it right now.
An insider claims that Yolanda has let Andy Cohen know (okay, so the insider is Andy on an untraceable pay-as-you-go flip phone, right?) that he can count her in for the upcoming Real (Except In The Face) Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. Last year, Yolanda could only work the reunion show for less than an hour because her Lyme disease was being a dick. But she feels like she’s close to a full recovery this year, and has been shouting it from the rooftops. Or the roof of a $59-a-night Red Roof Inn junior suite, if those rumors about her busted bank account balance are to be believed.
The source adds that Yolanda really wants to sit through the torture of a RHoBH reunion show to prove to all the tricks that were side-eyeing her illness that yes, she actually has Lyme disease, but she’s well enough now to lay their asses out and verbally whoop a trick for suggesting she might be faking it. Since her soon-to-be ex-husband won’t be there, maybe she’ll bring the nurse that takes her needle selfies (copyright: Taylor Armstrong). You know, for moral support. But also to cheer her on when she goes after the first person who demands she show them the Lyme disease receipts. “Get her, Yoyo! Wipe that chemically-frozen look off her face!”
Pic: Splash