Shock Of All Shocks: Star Wars Is Going To Make A Buttload Of Money This Weekend

December 19, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s great news, because if anyone deserves a solid-gold doggy spa filled with Snausages and gravy, it’s international treasure and former Hot Slut Gary Fisher. And now Carrie Fisher can finally splurge on such an expensive luxury item, because her bank account is about to explode harder and faster than all the nerds did on opening night.

In the event you’re an alien who just moved here from a planet that doesn’t receive WiFi signals from Earth, or you’re an Amish teen on Rumspringa, a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened on Friday, and it has already made enough money to pay for Jabba the Hutt’s excess skin removal surgery five times over. Deadline says that as of Saturday morning, movie people have estimated that SW:TFA will make somewhere between $246 million and $254 million, which would be an all-time record opening. Jurassic World is the current opening weekend record holder, with $208 million.

It’s beating a bunch of records too. Deadline says SW:TFA is now the highest-grossing opening day film ever, beating out former #1, Harry Potter 8. Disney says that Star Wars made $120.5 million on Friday, $100 million of which was made in the first 20 hours of its release. To put that into perspective, that’s 10 Aloha opening weekends, or roughly 75 Jems. So basically, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the Adele of movies.

To be honest, I’m SHOCKED that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has made such little money. $254 million? That’s nothing! This is Star Wars we’re talking about, and a legitimate Star Wars (sorry, Jar Jar). I’m more surprised that it wasn’t able to pass the trillion-dollar mark. Did die-hard Star Wars fans not quit their jobs and give 60 days notice on their apartments two months ago so they could move into the movie theater and watch Star Wars 2,800 times in a row like I assumed they would? Hang your head in shame, you should.

Pic: Splash

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