Tom Cruise’s son Connor Cruise visited him on the set of Jack Reacharound 2 in New Orleans. In that picture, Tommy is obviously in the middle of saying to Connor, “What did I tell you about standing up straight when you’re around me? Bend your knees, child, bend your knees, I’m not wearing my highest lifts right now!” – Lainey Gossip 

Oh, Brie Larson, please don’t tell me you’re becoming Jennifer Lawrence 2.0 – Celebitchy

Honestly, who hasn’t drunkenly gotten into the wrong Uber? – Drunken Stepfather

The head of Iggy Azalea’s label won’t pay for a music video for her new song and I would feel sympathy for her (not really) but I’m too busy wishing my last name was “Cockle” – Jezebel

Vicki Gunvalson’s ex (you know, the one who apparently lied about having cancer) can’t expose her in a tell-all – Reality Tea 

The Difficult Brown is supposedly a snitch for the Kartrashians. That has to be the most doucheist piece of fanfic I’ve read in a long time – The Superficial 

I don’t know who’s more excited: Andrea Corr’s nipples in those pics or me because this may be the first time I’ve linked to a post about The Corrs – The Nip Slip 

Some dude ate 60+ year old military rations and lived to YouTube about it – Hollywood Tuna 

Hilary Duff decided to really shake up her daily pap walks by dyeing her hair My Little Pony pink – Popoholic

The director of 45 Years is directing an Alexander McQueen biopic – Towleroad

Now THIS is a fashion ad and I’m only saying that because it’s got dick and ginger pubes in it – (NSFW) OMG Blog

If you want your black heart to feel things, watch this. If you don’t, go read some more shit about the Kartrashians – The Berry 

Kristin Calamaris was in a car accident. She’s fine – HuffPo

Zac Efron has got his nipples out again and I’m not bitching about it – Just Jared

Cats is returning to Broadway and I’d totally see it if actual cats were in it. Couldn’t you just see Grumpy Cat as Grizabella? – SOW

Jessica Simpson is in a bikini. But then again, these pictures are so damn blurry that it could be Sammy Hagar for all we know – Popsugar

Pic: FameFlynet

Every night before the families of Charlie Sheen’s lawyers eat their usual casual dinner of filet mignon, caviar and truffles dipped in liquid gold they bow their heads and give thanks to the tiger blood-having warlock for keeping their family rich as hell with his messiness. Charlie’s lawyers are already busy dealing with the lawsuits from “desperate charlatans” who are suing him for allegedly not telling them that he’s HIV positive, and now they have to add a lawsuit from Denise Richards to their big, fat pile.

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When Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow “consciously uncoupled” I joked that he probably immediately ran to Arby’s where he paid two employees to stretch out his mouth hole with their hands as another employee shoved delicious horsey-sauce covered beef ‘n cheddar sliders down his throat. I thought that when Chris and Goopy broke up, he also broke up with eating like a snobby bird. But nope, Chris Martin is Goopy with a dick.

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Okay, in the post below I said that Brit Brit Spears was very busy waving her fallen asleep arm and moving her mouth in rehearsals for her Las Vegas show, but I was obviously wrong. Brit Brit is also spending some of her time oozing pure art onto a blank canvas while wearing what looks like the ace bandage tube top that Hilary Swank wore in Boys Don’t Cry. Brit’s people posted this soothing video on Instagram of her painting I don’t know what (Rainbow cocoons? Deformed leaves? Gerbils in body bags?).

Even the greatest creations start from small seeds

A video posted by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on Jan 20, 2016 at 8:02pm PST

The staff at the Louvre can go ahead and take all of their paintings off of the walls and put that shit in storage indefinitely, because they need to make a whole lot of room for the exquisite works of art from Cheetoangelo!

While Our Lady of Cheetos sleep dances and sort of moves her lip-synching lips in rehearsals for the next set of dates for her Las Vegas residency, she was gracious enough to let Jennifer Lopez borrow her stage at Planet Hollywood. Brit Brit Spears may not be able to spell saint, but she is one.

The opening night for JLo’s residency at Planet Hollywood happened last night and her show “All Of Me” looks like what you’d see if you looked at Liberace’s cum load through a microscope. There’s rhinestones! There’s feathers! There’s fur! If JLo’s show doesn’t work out, Planet Hollywood can recycle her costumes and use them in their new production: Zsa Zsa Gabor The Musical! I can’t hate on JLo’s show, because every costume looks like it came from a drag show inspired by Dynasty. (“But isn’t every drag show inspired by Dynasty?” – you “I sit corrected.” – me)

Justin Bieber, Rebel Wilson, Hoda Kotb, Kelly Osbourne, Casper the Friendly Gold Digger and Ryan Seacrest were all in the audience as JLo shook her rhinestone-covered ass in bedazzled pantyhouse bodysuits. She also brought Ja Rule and Pitbull on stage with her. TMZ says that unlike Brit Brit, JLo doesn’t lip-synch and natural musical notes come out of her mouth during her show. Here’s a few clips from her show and if the thought of listening to JLo singing live (with help from an auto-tone mic, probably) has made your ears cry out blood tears, don’t worry. I listened to it and my ears are still alive.

And while watching those clips and looking at these pictures from the show I tried to guess which one of her back-up dancers is going to try to Nomi Malone her by pushing her down the stairs so that they can take her place and become the new goddess of Las Vegas! There’s always someone younger and hungrier and with a bigger ass coming down the stairs after you.

Pics: Splash, Getty

The Illuminati’s High Plastic Priestess of Darkness has been on a roll this week. This week, thousands of Madonna fans have been dragging their hungover and underslept carcasses into their cubicles after staying up all night at her show. Madge’s shows have been starting hours late and many of her fans say they’re too damn old to be dropping their asses to “Deeper and Deeper” at 1am on a damn work night. Some of them also accused her of adding a whole lot of vodka to the blood of virgins she drinks backstage, because they say she seemed drunk during her show. Madge denied that. Madge played Nashville, TN on Monday night and she kept her fans waiting for 2 hours and I guess not all of them were mad at her for that, because one proposed to her. Madge used that proposal from a fan to call one of her ex-husbands a cunt. Keeping paying whores waiting for hours is wrong, but I guess dropping the cunt word into their ears is one way to make up for it.

The Daily Mirror says that during her show in Nashville, a fan in the front asked her to marry them. The fan either called themselves a cunt or they were wearing a shirt with the word on it. Madge let it be known that she is trolling for a man since the dark orb in her heart needs recharging and she can only do that by sucking the life out of another husband. But she also told the fan that she’s not looking for a cunt because she was already married to one.

Madonna has apparently used the C-word while lashing out at her ex-husband Guy Ritchie on stage.

The Queen of Pop, 57, seemed to launch into the foul-mouthed rant as she responded to a fan’s marriage proposal at her gig in Nashville.

She is alleged to have said: “I’m looking for a husband, not a cunt. I already married a cunt.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’m sure calling Guy Ritchie a cunt in front of thousands of people is really, really going to make Rocco come running back to live with her. At first I wished that she was talking about Sean Penn, but I don’t mean that. Calling Sean Penn a cunt is extremely wrong. That’s offensive to cunts. Cunts don’t deserve that.

Pic: Splash