When Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow “consciously uncoupled” I joked that he probably immediately ran to Arby’s where he paid two employees to stretch out his mouth hole with their hands as another employee shoved delicious horsey-sauce covered beef ‘n cheddar sliders down his throat. I thought that when Chris and Goopy broke up, he also broke up with eating like a snobby bird. But nope, Chris Martin is Goopy with a dick.

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Okay, in the post below I said that Brit Brit Spears was very busy waving her fallen asleep arm and moving her mouth in rehearsals for her Las Vegas show, but I was obviously wrong. Brit Brit is also spending some of her time oozing pure art onto a blank canvas while wearing what looks like the ace bandage tube top that Hilary Swank wore in Boys Don’t Cry. Brit’s people posted this soothing video on Instagram of her painting I don’t know what (Rainbow cocoons? Deformed leaves? Gerbils in body bags?).

Even the greatest creations start from small seeds

A video posted by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on Jan 20, 2016 at 8:02pm PST

The staff at the Louvre can go ahead and take all of their paintings off of the walls and put that shit in storage indefinitely, because they need to make a whole lot of room for the exquisite works of art from Cheetoangelo!

While Our Lady of Cheetos sleep dances and sort of moves her lip-synching lips in rehearsals for the next set of dates for her Las Vegas residency, she was gracious enough to let Jennifer Lopez borrow her stage at Planet Hollywood. Brit Brit Spears may not be able to spell saint, but she is one.

The opening night for JLo’s residency at Planet Hollywood happened last night and her show “All Of Me” looks like what you’d see if you looked at Liberace’s cum load through a microscope. There’s rhinestones! There’s feathers! There’s fur! If JLo’s show doesn’t work out, Planet Hollywood can recycle her costumes and use them in their new production: Zsa Zsa Gabor The Musical! I can’t hate on JLo’s show, because every costume looks like it came from a drag show inspired by Dynasty. (“But isn’t every drag show inspired by Dynasty?” – you “I sit corrected.” – me)

Justin Bieber, Rebel Wilson, Hoda Kotb, Kelly Osbourne, Casper the Friendly Gold Digger and Ryan Seacrest were all in the audience as JLo shook her rhinestone-covered ass in bedazzled pantyhouse bodysuits. She also brought Ja Rule and Pitbull on stage with her. TMZ says that unlike Brit Brit, JLo doesn’t lip-synch and natural musical notes come out of her mouth during her show. Here’s a few clips from her show and if the thought of listening to JLo singing live (with help from an auto-tone mic, probably) has made your ears cry out blood tears, don’t worry. I listened to it and my ears are still alive.

And while watching those clips and looking at these pictures from the show I tried to guess which one of her back-up dancers is going to try to Nomi Malone her by pushing her down the stairs so that they can take her place and become the new goddess of Las Vegas! There’s always someone younger and hungrier and with a bigger ass coming down the stairs after you.

Pics: Splash, Getty

The Illuminati’s High Plastic Priestess of Darkness has been on a roll this week. This week, thousands of Madonna fans have been dragging their hungover and underslept carcasses into their cubicles after staying up all night at her show. Madge’s shows have been starting hours late and many of her fans say they’re too damn old to be dropping their asses to “Deeper and Deeper” at 1am on a damn work night. Some of them also accused her of adding a whole lot of vodka to the blood of virgins she drinks backstage, because they say she seemed drunk during her show. Madge denied that. Madge played Nashville, TN on Monday night and she kept her fans waiting for 2 hours and I guess not all of them were mad at her for that, because one proposed to her. Madge used that proposal from a fan to call one of her ex-husbands a cunt. Keeping paying whores waiting for hours is wrong, but I guess dropping the cunt word into their ears is one way to make up for it.

The Daily Mirror says that during her show in Nashville, a fan in the front asked her to marry them. The fan either called themselves a cunt or they were wearing a shirt with the word on it. Madge let it be known that she is trolling for a man since the dark orb in her heart needs recharging and she can only do that by sucking the life out of another husband. But she also told the fan that she’s not looking for a cunt because she was already married to one.

Madonna has apparently used the C-word while lashing out at her ex-husband Guy Ritchie on stage.

The Queen of Pop, 57, seemed to launch into the foul-mouthed rant as she responded to a fan’s marriage proposal at her gig in Nashville.

She is alleged to have said: “I’m looking for a husband, not a cunt. I already married a cunt.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’m sure calling Guy Ritchie a cunt in front of thousands of people is really, really going to make Rocco come running back to live with her. At first I wished that she was talking about Sean Penn, but I don’t mean that. Calling Sean Penn a cunt is extremely wrong. That’s offensive to cunts. Cunts don’t deserve that.

Pic: Splash

When Jada Pinkett Smith declared in a video on Facebook that she’s not going to attend or watch the Oscars this year over the all-white acting noms, I assumed that Will Smith was boycotting them too. I figured that even if the Oscars were projected on a bare ass at a bi swingers sex party, both Jada and Will would shut their eyes and refuse to watch it. Will is now making it perfectly clear that he’s sticking with his wife. Will also claims that he wouldn’t go even if he was the only black actor nominated. I felt the earth move a bit and I’m sure that was from The Original Aunt Viv busting out the eye roll of eye rolls while cackling.

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Finally…a true to life model of Michelle Duggars uterus. – 38chrysler

Upvote winner:

After years of living in the shadows, Shelley Miscavige is finally located. – FluffKitteh

Pic: Reddit