MC Mayara, Brazilian electrofunk artiste and the Camel Toe Princess of Brazil!

Wikipedia tells me that MC Mayara is an electrofunk singer from Brazil who has been in the game since around 2013. MC Mayara put out her video for her song Ai Como Eu To Bandida Dois all the way back in the olden days of August 2015, but it’s never too late to get into a badass camel toe-having super hero who turns men into diamonds and destroys the gay-hating, racist villains of the earth with a pulverizing bolt of purple light that she queefs out of her cooze. Reader Bianca dropped this into my inbox and according to her translation, this song is my new anthem:

The song is mostly about how she’s no one-man girl and she does whatever the fuck she wants. In the “chorus“, she repeats “ai como eu tô bandida” a million times, which loosely translate into “I’m such a ho.” (Bandida is a thief, like in Spanish, which I know you understand a bit, and by understand a bit I mean you know lots of dirty words in Spanish.)

And the video needs to be turned into a Marvel feature-film. What the Marvel universe, or whatever the hell the nerds call it, needs is a strong lady superhero with drag queen sidekicks who is slowly destroying humanity’s problems with her puss rays of peace.

CoCo, Mimi and Lil Kim need to come and collect MC Mayara and induct her into the Camel Toe Hall of Fame.

MC Mayara also did a hot cover of the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” with a few other Brazilian singers. So yeah, can we trade Ariana Grande Latte for her?

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Zayn Malik says that he’s into girls who are “chunky in certain areas.” In other words, he’s into skinny chicks with fat tits and big asses. Thanks for clearing that up, Zayn. – Celebitchy

And here’s Michael B. Jordan and a baby friend – Lainey Gossip

I didn’t think I’d see the name “LeeLee Sobieski” today and I really didn’t think I’d see the words “LeeLee Sobieski in a bikini” – Drunken Stepfather

After watching her amazing comedic skills in this fake commercial for Tuff Bitch Tampons, Lorne Michaels is totally going to beg comedy genius Brandi Glanville to go on Saturday Night Live – Reality Tea 

Transgender director Lana Wachowski, who directed Bound and The Matrix movies with her brother, is in the new Marc Jacobs campaign – Towleroad

Noted liar Josh Duggar is screaming the word “liar” at the porn star who claims she had rough sex with him for cash – The Superficial 

I thought Kaley Cuoco was full-time doing that bald dude from Arrow – Starcasm

Chrissy Teigen’s top knot looks like a butt plug covered with hair. And yes, yes, I would – Popoholic

Those people behind Olivia Munn seem really excited to be so close to her – Hollywood Tuna 

Someone named Abigail Ratchford posed with her silicone filled water balloon chichis out and apparently it’s a big deal – IDLYITW

Liv Tyler and her man didn’t waste any time in making another baby – Popsugar

It’s so Friday, so here’s a video of a puppy in ducky pajamas – The Berry 

Lamar Odom is out of the hospital  – Just Jared

No. – SOW

Somewhere, Kanye West is internally raging while punching his head because he’s mad at his brain for not coming up with this idea. He wishes he would’ve been the first celebrity mess to have his post-fuck selfie on the cover of a magazine. No, his post-fuck selfie wouldn’t have been with Kim Kartrashian. It would’ve been with his mirror after he jacked off all over it.

Lady CaCa was the guest editor of V Magazine’s pre-Spring issue. The issue is $50 (!!!!) and all profits will go to her Born This Way Foundation. Gaga decided to do 16 covers for the issue and many of them feature her face including this one of her and her piece Taylor Kinney posing naked for a selfie after boning on a canvas. Gaga explained the making of their fuck juices art piece and as expected, it’s pretension covered in eye roll fuel:

“We made love on this canvas on a Sunday in Chicago. We made love amidst chaos. We talked about shootings. We made love amidst terrorism. And we talked about how people’s hearts are also suffering all over the world as they watch and witness a swell of violence. We made love amidst violence.

I could not complete the covers of this issue without relinquishing one to an important cause. Taylor and I talk all the time about our unique existence on this earth. How can we use our creativity to heal people? Since we first met, Taylor’s been painting and drawing all over me. Years ago, when we were secretly living in San Diego and crashing on the floor of a beach shack, we never wore shoes. He told me he wanted to make love to me on a canvas. And though he made many murals on my body in the wee, small hours of our stoked, gypsy mornings with our friends, for whatever reason we never got around to it.”

So basically, they do a lot of Ecstasy, right?

That sounds tiring. I mean, most of us probably just want to get it in good and then cuddle with our piece while watching HGTV as we eat cold fried chicken together. But Gaga and Taylor are fucking on paint and taking post-sex selfies and between all of that they’re talking about shootings and sadness. Who in the hell talks about shootings in between boning? That is some not right dirty talk.

But seriously, I hope this doesn’t give Hollywood’s premiere performance artiste Shia LaBeouf any ideas, because we really don’t need portraits painted with his dick cheese.

Pics: V Magazine

BREAKING: There’s another human alive who actually pressed their naked body against the slimy dumpster reptile skin on Tyga. What a world.

Tyga somehow found time in between creeping on a 14-year-old and trying to get kamera time on KUWTK to hump on a 23-year-old Brazilian Instagram model. A source tells UsWeekly that Tyga met Annalu Cardoso on a video shoot and she was later on his MTV2 show Kingin’ with Tyga. The real story here is that someone at MTV2 was brain dead enough to give Tyga a show. The shell-less PedoTurtle and Annalu apparently texted back and forth before hooking up. The source says that Tyga would get with Annalu whenever Kylie Jenner was out of the country, but he didn’t always try to keep it on the down low. Sometimes he’d bring Annalu around his friends. via UsWeekly

“He would text her and ask how she was doing, casual conversation. Then he started asking her to send pics and to meet up,” a second insider tells Us. “They hooked up a couple of times, but for the most part they would just hang out.”

The second source claims that Tyga also introduced Cardoso to some of his friends. “She and Tyga wouldn’t be extremely affectionate in front of them, but she could tell his friends all knew that they were something,” the source says. “If someone else was sitting next to Tyga, they’d move so she could sit next to him.”

The source claims that the constipated slug eventually got more and more scared of their affair getting out and his barely legal sugar mama cutting off his allowance, so he ended things with Annalu. He apparently still tries to get with Annalu from time to time but she’s not having it.

This “story” is really hard to believe for two reasons: 1) I refuse to believe that there’s actually another living and breathing person on this planet willing to fuck Tyga. 2) Annalu Cardoso is 23 years old. That’s practically granny territory to Tyga.

Pic: Instagram

Brandi and Ethan Lester of Kentucky were watching TV one night last month when a commercial came on. One of them said, “That’s Hilary Duff,” and the other one of them said, “That’s not Hilary Duff, you dumb fuck.” Instead of Googling to find the answer, they did the next logical thing: they fought until the cops were called. Well, at least someone was talking about Hilary Duff in 2015.

WYMT (via Gossip Cop) says that Brandi Lester must take her Hilary Duff-recognizing skills very seriously because she went crazy on her husband. She threw shit across the room and screamed at him. Ethan told the local news that he tried to stop the stupid fight by giving her a truce kiss on the cheek, but Brandi’s rage switch was still set to 10 and she wasn’t ready cool down. Brandi bit Ethan’s cheek. Ethan called the cops and Brandi was busted for domestic violence and she faces fourth degree assault charges. I bet that The Home Wreckers Association of America are going to make Hilary Duff an honorary member, because her chipmunk ass destroys marriages without even trying.

But now Ethan says that it was all a misunderstanding. Ethan only called the cops because he was afraid Brandi was going to hurt herself. He wants everyone to know that she’s not a violent person. She only becomes a violent person when someone tests her ability to recognize Hilary Duff!

The one thing we’re all probably wondering when it comes to this story is if Hilary Duff was really in that commercial. It’s the question of the year and it’s only January! The Sheriff’s Department must’ve used all their resources and spent hundreds of hours trying to solve that mystery, right? Wrong. They didn’t. Sergeant Belcher of the Pike County Sheriff’s Department said this to UsWeekly:

“I don’t know if it was Hilary Duff in the commercial or not. Everybody keeps asking me that and I have no idea. I don’t even know what commercial it was. He doesn’t either, I don’t think.”

And that dude calls himself a sergeant. He should turn in his badge. Shameful. But whatever, I’m sure we’ll find out the truth when Netflix does a 10-part docu-series about whether or not it was Hilary Duff in that commercial.

Meanwhile, as all that was going on, Hilary Duff continued to live her life by doing her usual hourly task of walking in front of the paps:

Pics: Wenn.com