Richard Simmons Is Not Being Held Hostage, So Claims Richard Simmons

March 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, many of us pulled out our St. Richard candle, put on our silky prayin’ shorts and slipped a black sequined veil over our faces before saying a million prayers for Richard Simmons. Others, put on their Spandex camouflage cat suits as they made plans to rescue Richard Simmons from his hostage situation. Because on Saturday, the New York Daily News published a long piece about the disappearance of the human halo of fabulousness and it included interviews with friends who believe that he’s being held against his will by his manager, brother and housekeeper. One friend believes that his housekeeper cast some bruja shit on Richard. Well, Richard’s voice has popped up to tell everyone that his maid Teresa Reveles isn’t holding him captive, everything is fine and we can call off Operation: Save The Sequined Treasure.

Richard talked to both Entertainment Tonight and Today’s Savannah Guthrie by phone and said that the reports of him being held hostage have been greatly exaggerated. Richard said that after decades of spreading rainbows across the land with his workout moves, he just wants to live a retired life. Richard also denied the rumor that his housekeeper is the David Miscavige to his Shelly Miscavige. Richard spilled out these words to Savannah:

“No one is holding me in my house as a hostage. You know, I do what I want to do as I’ve always done. So people should believe what I have to say, because I’m Richard Simmons.

Teresa Reveles has been with me for 30 years. It’s almost like we’re a married couple.

I just sort of wanted to be a loner for a while. I had hurt my knee, Savannah, and I had some problems with it. And the other knee started to give me trouble, because I’ve taught thousands and thousands of classes. Right now, I just want to just take care of me. I just don’t really want to do anything. I just don’t want to be traveling anymore. It has taken its toll on me. It’s not like it was over a day. It was over some time.”

The glitter-dipped Q-Tip also said that he’s spending his days working out in his home gym and going for drives and walks. Richard basically told ET the same thing he said to Savannah:

“This is how I want to live my life right now. And to all the people that are worried about me, please don’t be. If I was in any trouble, if I was hurting in any way, I would reach out. It is time right now for Richard Simmons to take care of Richard Simmons.”

Richard promised that he’s not done entertaining the masses and he’ll be back.

I don’t know…

While listening to both of those interviews, I threw the kind of squint I’ve thrown whenever a really hot dude messaged me on Grindr. You know, one of those “something doesn’t seem right” squints. The interviews were done by phone, so how we do know that Richard wasn’t reading words that were written for him while his bruja maid threateningly stood over him with a wand in hand. How do we know that she didn’t threaten to cast a fat spell on him and/or use her witch powers to launch a fireball at his closet full of hot shorty shorts? Or maybe his maid used her bruja powers to transform her voice into his and it was her in those phone interviews. That sounds like some Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? meets Madame Mim shit.

Hopefully that’s not what’s going on and Richard is just resting up for his triumphant return! (But don’t totally call off Operation: Save The Sequined Treasure just yet….)


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