Since every single one of us is a money-grubbing whore (who knows that money can buy you weed, booze, Hot Fries and a Netflix membership while a jobless son can buy you none of that), the answer is obviously: FUCK NO!

But Adam LaRoche chose differently. The first baseman of the Chicago White Sox, walked away from a $13 million payday after he was told to stop bringing his son to work nearly every damn day. The Chicago Tribune says that Adam’s 14-year-old son Drake LaRoche went to work with his dad so much that he became a regular fixture in the clubhouse and even had his own locker. Drake went to almost every game and went to spring training with his dad every day. On Tuesday, 36-year-old Adam announced that he and his ginger beard are retiring from the game immediately, which means he’s not going to get the $13 million left on his contract for the season. Adam didn’t say why he’s saying goodbye to all that MONAY, but Ken Williams, the executive vice president of the White Sox, did.

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After the crusted-over phlegm ball stuck in Hollywood’s throat named Katherine Heigl left Grey’s Anatomy and was labeled an unhealable anus fissure by the ruler of primetime television Shonda Rhimes, she acted in a few bombs, redefined the meaning of “perfect” when she did a ZzzQuil commercial and starred in what was supposed to be her big comeback show. It never saw the light of a second season. Heigl also found time to sue Duane Reade for using her picture in a tweet and she made a movie using Indiego donations (some of which she put in her own pocket). Heigl has followed all of that up by starring in an ad campaign for kitty litter, which makes sense since her career has ended up in the shit box. But supposedly, Heigl isn’t only doing it, because a check is a check, she’s also doing it for the down-and-out animals of the world.

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“Hey Kris, it’s your favorite former douche-in-law, Scott. Listen, I think I got a story line for KUWTK that you might be interested in. I mean, it’s not that juicy, but when it comes to Kourtney’s boring-ass character, you take what you can get, right?”

The last time we checked in on Scott Disick’s tacky nouveau riche penis, it was rubbing against an 18-year-old Canadian model named Lindsay Vrckovnik. Sadly, they broke up, because Scott most likely got tired of having to make small talk with her parents in the living room every time he came to pick her up. She’s now been replaced with another model.

According to UsWeekly, Scott’s newest girlfriend is a 20-year-old model named Christine Burke who looks a whole hell of a lot like the 20-year-old sister of his ex.

Scott Disick is spotted leaving lunch with brunette beauty who resembles Kendall Jenner https://t.co/KCubAejQ0I pic.twitter.com/GKcEm8nVjO

— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) March 17, 2016

UsWeekly says Scott and the Designer Imposters version of Kendall Jenner have been banging for a few weeks. It’s also apparently serious enough that Scott brought her to Joe Francis’ Casa del Dirtbag in Punta Mita, Mexico earlier this month.

Scott’s new girlfriend doesn’t look exactly like Kendall (I’m also getting She’s All That-era Rachael Leigh Cook). But that shouldn’t stop the producers of KUWTK from making this lookalike Kendall situation work to their advantage. If I’ve learned anything from soap operas, it’s that there’s no better way to grab some ratings than by introducing a long-lost twin. And it would be so easy: just change Christine to Kristine and make up something about her and Kendall being accidentally separated at birth. Sure it’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s still more believable than the storyline about Kendall’s “relationship” with Harry Styles.

Here’s more of Scott Disick doing…whatever it is Scott Disick does, as well as the real Kendall Jenner at a Lakers game earlier this week with teenage lipgloss mogul Kylie Jenner.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Last July, the human form of a clump of pubes blocking a drain got into a loud, wreck of a fight with his girlfriend Mia Goth on the street and it ended with him hitching a ride to the airport with strangers. The strangers recorded  Shia LaBeouf saying that he would’ve killed Mia if he stayed there. When someone is on record saying that they were thisclose to murdering you, that may be your cue to delete their phone number and send them a break-up letter written on the back of a restraining order. LaDouche and Mia broke up for a second, but they got back together. And now UsWeekly is saying that they’re promised to be married and TMZ has pictures of Mia of the Sunset Valley Goths wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger.

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Those two guys standing behind Chris Brown look like what I imagine Chris Brown’s shoulder angel and shoulder devil would look like. On the left is his shoulder angel, silently praying that God relocates him to a new shoulder. On the right is his shoulder devil, and it appears that even his shoulder devil has had enough of Chris Brown’s shit. “Goddamnit, what has he done now?”

According to TMZ, Chris Brown has found himself on the receiving end of a temporary restraining order. Shocking, I know. The restraining order comes courtesy of a woman named Danielle Patti, who claims that Chris has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media. She also says she used to date him. Chris Brown? Angrily turning on a woman he used to date on social media? You don’t say.

This isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have gotten a third party involved in their drama. Back in December, Chris called the police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and was charged with criminal trespassing. But according to documents filed by Danielle, it wasn’t like that. Danielle says she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers. She claims she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.

A judge says that Chris has to stay 100 yards away from Danielle and can’t have any contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be. Yeah, is it really necessary to have a hearing? I’m pretty sure the words “Chris Brown” is all the evidence the judge needs to stamp APPROVED on that shit. Speaking of, if Chris Brown wants to save himself some time in the future, he might want to consider keeping a few dozen restraining order application forms at his front door. “Hey, are you on Instagram? You are? In that case, you might want to grab one of those on your way out.”

Pic: Wenn.com

My pick (for the Susie’s Deals reference alone) and upvote winner:

This little piggy smokes in the car with her kids
This little piggy is a lot lizard madam
This little piggy shoplifts from Susie’s Deals
This little piggy gets in fist fights at the swap meet
And this little piggy goes wee wee wee in the back alley behind Sizzler – Trixster

Pic: Izismile