“Highly Successful Television And Motion Picture Actress” Katherine Heigl Is Suing Duane Reade For $6 Million

April 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Last month, the NYC chain of drugstore which used to be the Brooklyn home of all my lotion, beer and chicharones needs, tweeted a picture from Just Jared of humanity’s extra-smelly tonsil stone Katherine Heigl wearing a giant dog turd around her neck while leaving one of their stores with bags full of suppositories, butt douches, laxatives and other products to help get the stick out of her ass (SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work). Heigl hates everything and she kicks flowers for fun, but she really hated that Duane Reade used her, AN INTERNATIONAL MOVIE AND TV SUPERSTAR, to promote their stores without paying up. So she’s suing them for a third of her net worth.

UsWeekly says that Heigl’s lawyers tried to get Duane Reade to delete the tweet, but they pissed on all those requests and kept it up. So TMZ says that Heigl’s lawyers threw a lawsuit at Duane Reade and they’re asking for at least $6 million. If she gets any money from Duane Reade, she says she’ll donate it to an animal charity.

Katherine Phlegm Sound has an endorsement deal with Zzzquil and if they paid her $6 million or more, then they must’ve been high on their own shit when they made that deal. Speaking of being high on one’s own shit, the documents that Heigl’s lawyers filed are made of one hundred percent hilarity and it’s the single-most entertaining thing she’s every contributed to. The documents contain this lukewarm puddle of delusion:

“Plaintiff is a highly successful television and motion picture actress, producer and celebrity. Plaintiff continues to be in high demand in the entertainment industry. A recent search for ‘Katherine Heigl’ on the Google search engine returned over 3.2 million results.”

Hmmm, it’s funny that when you Google, “Katherine Heigl is,” the words, “a highly successful television and motion picture actress,” don’t come up at all. Only this comes up:


What I hate, hate, hate, HATE, hate most about this is that I’m looking at that picture of the humanized crusty loogie over the words, “can’t resist shopping #NYC’s favorite drugstore,” and thinking that she has a case. Everything I know about law I learned from the court room scenes in Dynasty, but it looks like she could win if they don’t settle. Fuck you, Duane Reade, fuck you right in the mouth for making me saying that annoying bitch might right I will never forgive Duane Reade for this and I should sue them for humiliation. But $6 million?! Bitch should settle if Duane Reade offers her a used $25 gift card that’s got $6 on it.

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