Pap hater Kristen Stewart taught her rejected Rugrats character of a girlfriend well, I see! – Celebitchy

Blake NotSoLively is in a movie where it looks like she plays shark bait and that’s pretty fitting since she has the acting skills of a dead fish – Lainey Gossip 

Christina Milian should’ve taken just one more bikini selfie, because I don’t think the 5,000 she already took was enough – Celebitchy

One of the Teen Moms (not Backdoor Farrah) checked into a treatment center for anxiety – Reality Tea  

Oh here go hell come, Pimp Mama Kris has found a way to make skinny klones of her hos – The Superficial 

Bitch Got Banned: The Manny Pacquiao Edition – Towleroad

Ashley Benson did the crotch shot blocking maneuver while getting out of her SUV – Popoholic

Behold, the masterpiece that will sweep the Emmys – Pajiba

JLo looks like a giant roll of Smarties dipped in glitter – Hollywood Tuna 

The company that makes the waist trainers the Kartrashians whore out on Instagram got sued, because guess what, they didn’t work – Jezebel

The producers of the Gilmore Girls didn’t ask Melissa McCarthy to be in the reboot, because they thought she was too busy and when they finally did ask, she really was too busy – Starcasm

Dylan O’Brien of the Maze Runner got hit by a car while shooting the sequel – HuffPo

Presenting…your mom’s threesome fantasy – SOW

Knocked up celeb tricks, take note, this is how a naked pregnant shoot is done –  The Berry 

A baby has moved into Candice Swanepoel’s body – Just Jared

And a baby has moved out of Andrew Keegan’s girlfriend’s body – Popsugar

WEEKEND PROGRAMMING NOTE: Martin will be out this Sunday, so Dlisted’s resident guest blogger and fellow drunk wreck J. Harvey is filling in.

Pic: Wenn.com

Johnny Depp better start looking into some long-term in-home hobo pirate care, because his go-to helper is going to be busy doing her own thing for the next little while. Amber Heard confirmed to ET yesterday that she has been cast as Mera, the wife of Aquaman (played by Jason Momoa) in 2017’s Justice League: Part One and 2018’s Aquaman. Amber wouldn’t say much about her role as Mera, but she did talk a bit about her costume. Just like Aquaman and Wonder Woman, Mera’s costume sounds like a Mugatu-inspired mecha mess.

“It’s interesting. It’s like, half suit of armor, half scales. It’s strange. We’re in the process of building it now, so it’s coming along.”

Excuse me? A fierce undersea queen like Mera deserves slutty aquatic eleganza. Not a suit cobbled together from pieces that fell off the side of a Deadliest Catch boat. I know people don’t like their superhero movies to be campy trash anymore, but at least give her a pair of gold club rat hoops to go with her crown.

Playing a character that spends most of her time in the water is a great opportunity for Amber. And no, I’m not talking about her career. I’m talking about how easy it will be to introduce Johnny Depp to semi-regular bathing. All she has to do is invite him to visit her on set after every underwater scene. When he arrives, a soaking-wet Amber will hold him in a hug just long enough for the water to penetrate his clothes and make contact with his skin. If she does this every day, I’d say she could have him relatively clean in about 3 to 5 months.

Pics: Splash, DC

Posh Beckham’s store in Hong Kong officially opened last, and those hating bitches who think she’s a soulless shell of a praying mantis with a heart made of ice-covered coal can suck on their words, because she had a truly special moment with all of the fans who came out to see her. Posh is just too too good to her fans. Posh posted that heartwarming picture on Instagram and added the note:

Loved meeting you all at my store today!

It’s like Posh’s fans are tourists at the zoo of snobby bitches and are watching the rare British species known as Posh Spice in her native habitat (a fancy ass clothing store).

But really, that picture has touched my heart twice. St. Posh’s generosity with her fans just makes me feel things AND thank God her hooves have reunited with high heels. I know Posh can’t help being so kind of heart, but she should be careful. I mean, she should’ve made her fans stand at least 5 feet away from the glass. What if one of her fans touched the glass? That would’ve been too fucking close for comfort.

Pics: @victoriabeckham, Splash, Wenn.com

The Invictus Games are happening in Orlando, Florida this May and Prince Hot Ginge is going to be there, of course. Since I want to breathe in the same air that PHG exhales, I tried to book a Southwest flight from LAX to Orlando on those dates, but when I entered my name into the passenger info, it said that it couldn’t process my order due to me being a crazy stalker bitch and then it automatically forwarded my browser to the website of the mental health facility nearest me. I don’t know what that’s about, but anyway, PHG was on Good Morning America today to talk about the Invictus Games and his other charity work with Robin Roberts.

PHG got into talking about his late mother Princess Diana and said that he hopes she’s proud of all the charity work he and his brother Prince William do. While talking about her, the raw emotions came out a little and he kind of got choked up. I wanted to let him know that he can rest his head on my buttocks… That was a Freudian typo. I, of course, meant to say bosoms and that shit makes more sense since they’re fluffier. I’ve been drinking a lot of soy milk lately. PHG also talked about how he can’t wait to be a daddy and that led to him talking about how he’s the King of Hugs and he’d rather hug than shake hands. You heard him!

“I can’t wait for the day. So, you know, it will be fantastic…. I’ve got a kid inside of me. I want to keep that. I adore kids. I enjoy everything that they bring to the party. They just say what they think. Everyone needs a hug every now and then and it just so happens that I’ve been told over and over again that I’m very good with hugs, which is great. Good at giving hugs. Fantastic. Being in the prince role, you’ve got to shake hands. I would choose hugging over shaking hands most of the time… with people I know. Before anyone gets ideas.”

“Before anyone gets ideas?” That idea has already been gotten. Although, it might be hard for me to greet PHG with a hug after his royal guards have tased me in the ass and hog tied me, but I’ll still try!

WATCH: #PrinceHarry opens up to @RobinRoberts about Princess Diana, kids and what drives him. https://t.co/uOaRV4zlQA

— Good Morning America (@GMA) March 18, 2016

And here’s PHG’s sissy-in-law Duchess Kate working hard at the opening of the new East Anglia Childrens Hospice in London.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Back in September, InTouch ran a cover story accusing Gwen Stefani’s country bro rebound boyfriend Blake Shelton of being a binge-drinking drunk who was forced into rehab after his ex-wife Miranda Lambert caught him in bed with a bunch of naked women. They also included a laundry list of alleged ways that Blake is a mess, including (but not limited to) drinking vodka before 11am, showing up to The Voice hammered, and drunkenly peeing on a mailbox.

Even though In Touch’s story read like the plot description for a direct-to-CMT parody of Leaving Las Vegas, Blake thought it was believable enough to qualify as slander and he’s lawyered up for real this time. Page Six says that Blake is suing InTouch’s publisher, Bauer Publishing, for $2 million dollars. According to the lawsuit, Blake makes it very clear that he has never been to rehab or hit rock bottom, like the cover claims. He also says he doesn’t have a drinking problem, doesn’t drink vodka before 11am, has never been drunk on The Voice, and my personal favorite, has never “urinated on a mailbox.” Blake Shelton: not a mailbox pisser! He also claims that Miranda never caught him with a bunch of naked chicks in their house. Maybe he saved it for his tour bus?

Page Six says that Bauer responded by claiming everything they said about Blake was “substantially true” and that they want his lawsuit thrown out.

I understand slapping at someone for talking shit (or piss, if you will) about you. But I’m not sure why he’s going after InTouch for $2 million. Especially since they’re doing a great job of writing the kind of fanfiction that keeps us interested in his current relationship. Besides, he’s acting like chugging vodka before noon and showing up to work drunk is a bad thing. I mean, around here, that’s the sort of stuff that will win you Employee of the Month.

Caitlyn Jenner has been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting by her iPhone for Ted Cruz to call, and for some strange reason, he hasn’t. That doesn’t make sense. Weird, right? Maybe Ted Cruz is just so excited to call Caitlyn Jenner that every time he tries to do it, he hits the numbers on his phone so hard that the screen shatters and he has to get a new phone. Or maybe Donald Trump got his minions to hack into Caitlyn Jenner’s phone and block it from receiving calls from Ted Cruz. Trump doesn’t want Ted Cruz to get the Caitlyn Jenner endorsement because he wants the Caitlyn Jenner endorsement. It’s definitely one of those.

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