Night Crumbs
“Oh yes, this is my new husband I was telling you about and that’s Harry Jr., the little adorable baby we adopted together. I wish they could’ve been here to meet you today” – me showing this picture to my family members at Easter brunch on Sunday right before they call the men in white coats on me – Lainey Gossip
What will David O. Russell say?! – Celebitchy
I’ve heard this one before, but Kenya Moore is supposedly moving into Moore Manor any day now – Reality Tea
Harry Jr., close your eyes! You don’t need to see this picture of Chelsea Handler making it way too easy – Drunken Stepfather
Team Brit Brit probably searched Iggy Azalea’s house for any of her own CDs. They didn’t want Brit Brit to find and listen to those. She’s already been through enough – OMG Blog
That teenager Madge exposed in Australia is really stretching out her 15 milliseconds… – The Superficial
Amanda Peet, the only heterosexual woman alive, told her husband, who co-created Game of Thrones, that if he didn’t bring Jon Snow back, she’d leave him and he’d have to go gay with his writing partner – Towleroad
Jennifer Lawrence should put those fug shoes in the sink and piss on them – Popoholic
Someone needs to call 7 On Your Side – Hollywood Tuna
Poor kitten had to turn to a life of crime to get its drug of choice – The Berry
Robert De Niro defends showing an anti-vaxxer documentary at the Tribeca Film Festival – Boy Culture
The time Katharine Hepburn read Jane Fonda – HuffPo
Screw figure skating and wrestling, Tonya Harding was born to ACT! – Just Jared
And finally, here’s Alexander Skarsgard in a t-shirt. The end. – Popsugar
Pic: Instagram
Even Peter Brant Jr.’s Lawyer Thinks He’s An “Idiot”
“Just when I thought I was going to be able to leave for St. Lucia for the Easter holiday early, this drunk twat had to fuck up again,” – the lawyer in that picture, probably.
Peter Brant Jr. is the 22-year-old spoiled rich kid socialite son of Stephanie Seymour and billionaire Peter Brant, and you may know him best from those touching pictures of him getting a boner while hugging on his mom in St. Barts or that Vanity Fair piece that took insufferableness (and hilariousness) to new levels. Well, Peter Brant solidified his title as the Conrad Hilton of the East Coast on Wednesday night when he was arrested for allegedly going off on Port Authority cops while waiting to board a JetBlue flight to West Palm Beach, FL at JFK in NYC. You know, you too would probably bust into a cunt meltdown if daddy made you fly JetBlue instead of getting you a private plane. Instead of arresting him, those cops should’ve prayed for Peter for having to endure the struggle of flying on JetBlue!!
Open Post: Hosted By The Butterfly One Working That Shiny Hose, Dahling
A miracle greater than Jesus’ resurrection happened in London the other night. Mimi actually managed to walk a few steps on her own without any help from a full-time handler hired to be her human walking stick. If a naked Jesus was in the background juggling dragon babies breathing out rainbow-colored fire, you wouldn’t notice, because Mimi walking is a more miraculous sight.
While looking like a knock-off Barbie doll made by The Jim Henson Company, the Hello Kitty Lisa Frank empress of cotton candy glitter made her way to her show at the O2 Arena in London the other night. Mim mostly held onto her gentlemen-in-waiting, but there were special moments when she actually walked! Maybe Mimi got the power to walk on her own from those really hot sparkly pantyhose. That would make sense. I mean, my abuelita’s spanking hand seemed to get almost Hulk-like when she wore her church outfit: a sensible dress, extra thick support hose and open toe pumps. (You truly haven’t felt fear until an abuelita has raised her Hulk hand at you after you act a fool in church.)
Yup, it must be the pantyhose and now you know that superhero strength can be found in the hose section of JcPenney near you!
Pics: Wenn.com
The Spice Girls (Sans Posh) Are Probably Going To Do Another Reunion Tour
Seen above looking more natural and charismatic than usual, the Spice Girls are reportedly putting together a big tour to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the release of their first single “Wannabe.” Yes, it’s been 20 years since “Wannabe” came out. Yeah, so when you get your nursing home van service to swing by and pick me up for the show, make sure they leave enough room for my walker. Because I’m going to need something sturdy to hang onto when I shake my replaced hip and drop it as low as my knees can take me when the Spice Girls perform “Holler.” Life Alert better double their staff, because we’re all going to be hitting that button when we’ve twerked and can’t get up at the Spice Girls show.
A Man Was Arrested For Not Returning A VHS Copy Of “Freddy Got Fingered” That He Rented More Than A Decade Ago
Here’s a story that couldn’t be more early-2000s unless it rode in wearing a pair of Y2K glasses on the hood of a cyber green VW Beetle driven by the Weakest Link lady. A man from North Carolina named James Meyers recently found himself on the shit end of a pair of handcuffs and it’s all thanks to a VHS rental copy of Freddy Got Fingered.
James tells WSOC-TV (via NY Daily News) that police pulled him over for a broken taillight on Tuesday while driving his daughter to school, and that’s when he discovered there was a warrant out for his arrest. James rented Freddy Got Fingered from a video store back in 2002, but he forgot to return it. James was allowed to drive his daughter to school, but when he got back, he was arrested and charged with failure to return rental property. Even though the video store where James rented Freddy Got Fingered has closed, James still has to show up in court at the end of April, and he could be punished with a fine of up to $200.
Tom Green, seen above wearing a cheese helmet in one of Freddy Got Fingered more memorable scenes, heard about James’ arrest and has offered to pay the fine in the event he’s convicted.
As anyone who remembers what it was like to rent videos in the old days knows, some video rental places used to take late fees very seriously. There were many times Blockbuster threatened to sic a collection agency on my ass over a runaway rental. So James is real lucky that the video rental industry is laying on its deathbed, or else he might be facing more than just a fine. If I remember correctly, back in the old days, keeping a movie for that long was punishable by death.
What I don’t get is how not returning a VHS copy of Freddy Got Fingered got James an arrest warrant. The video rental place should have been grateful that James took it off their hands permanently.
Pic: 20th Century Fox
John Travolta Likes His Hotel Rooms Done Up Like A Fancy Crack Den
Side note: “Fancy crack den” is also one of the code words those gossips in the Scientology Centre bathhouse use for his b-hole.
Forget The National Enquirer’s exposé on Ted Cruz being a mega cheating slut who allegedly dipped his peen in at least 5 side pieces (I bet his O face looks like a Grandpa Munster claymation figurine trying to sneeze and cough at the same time)! The biggest and most escandaloso story of the day is how (WARNING: Super Glue your chair to the floor and hold on extra tight or you may knock over from the shock of it all) John Travolta will only let you massage his body if you’ve got a real dick attached to your crotch. I’ll wait here as you call a handyman from Angie’s List to fix your floor, because I’m sure that brand new shocking information caused you to rip your chair outta that bitch.