Inky, the master escape artist who went full Shawshank Redemption when he escaped out of his prison cell (read: his tank at the National Aquarium of New Zealand) and slid his way to sweet, sweet freedom!

I would call Inky a regular El Chapo, but as far as I know, he’s not a diabolical drug kingpin, he didn’t have a team of minions helping him to bust out of that bitch, and there’s no way he’d ever give his first post-break-out interview to chewed-up piece of charbroiled steak fat Sean Penn. But like El Chapo, El Inky made a daring escape out of his tank before disappearing into sea. The Guardian says that the staff believe that someone accidentally left the lid to Inky’s tank slightly ajar overnight and the smart trick took that opportunity to check out of there when everyone went home for the night and the place was empty.

The staff has two theories as to how he got out into the wild. One theory is that he went to the top of his tank, threw himself over the side, slid down to the floor and made his way to a drainpipe that goes directly to the ocean. You know that the Mission: Impossible theme song played in his octopus head when he pulled that move. The other theory is that after he got out of his tank, he squeezed his body into an open pipe above his house, which led under the floor to the drain. Whatever the case may be, the bitch is now FREE!

The manager at the aquarium doesn’t think that Inky bye bitch’d out of there because he hates their asses. They believe he’s just curious.

“Octopuses are famous escape artists. But Inky really tested the waters here. I don’t think he was unhappy with us, or lonely, as octopus are solitary creatures. But he is such a curious boy. He would want to know what’s happening on the outside. That’s just his personality.”

Inky may not hate the staff of the aquarium, but I bet his roommate hates him. Inky left behind a tank companion who is probably cursing his name, because he didn’t take them with him and now the aquarium is probably going to put bricks on the lid! Inky was brought to the aquarium in 2014 after a local fisherman found him fighting with fish on a reef. So yup, brace yourselves, fishies, because Hood Rat Stuff Inky is back, bitches!

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Delicate American rose Abigail Ratchford made a video where she subtly drips a milkshake from In-N-Out all over her glistening plastic chichis. Since In-N-Out is a Christian company, they don’t want that jezebel hussy doing sinful things with their products on video, so they demanded that she take it down. I say sinful things, because as far as I know, she didn’t marry that milkshake before letting it drip all over her tits. But seriously, Abigail Ratchford deserves to be thrown in jail for that video. She wastes so many fries and drops of milkshake in it. ARREST HER!  – The Superficial 

Natalie Portman is out and Tessa Thompson is in as Thor’s boo – Lainey Gossip 

You’ll never guess what Jessica Simpson did the other night? She got drunk! Oh, you guessed that. Well, okay then – Drunken Stepfather

Prince Hot Ginge sees THE QUEEN more as his boss than his grandmama. I bet she sees herself as his boss too and makes him kiss her ring, as she should – Celebitchy

Please sashay away, NeNe Leakes – Reality Tea 

Zoe Kravitz’s nipple knob made an appearance in ID magazine – The Nip Slip 

A clip from James Franco’s gay porn murder biopic is out, and it’s the perfect thing to watch if you’re out of Ambien and want to fall asleep – Towleroad

Lea Michele got a tattoo in honor of Cory Monteith – Popsugar

It took me a few seconds to realize that Gigi Hadid is not carrying a guinea pig as an accessory – Popoholic

It also took me a few seconds to realize that the chick on the right isn’t The Curious Case of Ali Lohan – Hollywood Tuna 

Paula Deen has a new clothing line out. I can’t wait to see what she does with white hoods! – Jezebel

No jokes, this Batman v. Superman porn parody looks a zillion times more thrilling and entertaining than the real thing – OMG Blog  

Kristen Dunst and Garrett GimmeHedlund are done being together –  Just Jared

So in other words, Donnie Wahlberg gave Jenny McCarthy a life-like plastic replica of himself – SOW

I guess Jeremy Renner’s publicists had a talk with him – HuffPo

And finally, let’s end these Crumbs with an owl riding a cracked-out toy horse – The Berry  

Since Kate Hudson is hawking workout clothes and trying to be all sporty and shit, it’s time for all of her to get completely on brand and that includes the tastes of her legendary coochie. So it makes sense that Kate Hudson might be climbing aboard the 6’5″ football playing mountain named J.J. Watt. Kate Hudson’s chocha needs a travel blog NOW, because I really want to see the places it visits.

Kate Hudson may have either finally dropped Nick Jonas as a fuck buddy, or she has temporarily pushed that Jonas peen to the side. Because everyone seems to think 36-year-old Kate may have started dating 27-year-old J.J., who plays for the Houston Texans. Kate and J.J. are the ones who started the dating talk. I guess they wanted everyone to know that they were on a date, because last night, J.J. made an appearance on one of her Snapchat videos during dinner at a restaurant. The video is annoying, but J.J. calls it a “date.”

Major update: He called it a DATE! 😲😲 #jjwatt #jjwattladies

A video posted by JJ WATT Ladies (@jjwatt_ladies) on Apr 11, 2016 at 11:24pm PDT

UsWeekly says that this morning, Kate put up another Snapchat video where she brought up the date while hanging out with her son Ryder. At one point, Kate said to him, “How does it feel that mommy got to sit next to J.J. Watt at dinner?”

Okay, but who in the hell Snapchats during a date?! If the date is going good, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table. If the date is going bad, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table (because doing that is better than talking to his boring ass). I am disappointed in Kate! But well, maybe she posted that video, because she wanted to let us, her slut disciples, know that she’s still out there and isn’t tied down to Jonas peen. That makes sense. I should never question the thirsty ways of Kate Hudson!

Pic: Men’s Health

Earlier today, it was reported that living Madame Tussauds waxwork Megan Fox was knocked up with her third child, and there was a big question mark as to who the daddy was. Like Michael K, I also figured it was one of the Ninja Turtles. Although my guess was Leonardo, since he totally seems like the irresponsible type who would fall asleep during Splinter’s “always use condoms” talk. Sadly, it’s time to pour one out for the scandalous celebrity paternity drama that never was, because E! News says that Brian Austin Green is the daddy.

Megan and Brian Austin Green ended their marriage ten months ago, but apparently that didn’t necessarily prevent them doing it again. Several sources have confirmed to E! that BAG is responsible for the baby in Megan’s body. We might not get any crazy custody drama either; another source claims Megan and Brian have hit the snooze button on their divorce and are staying together for now. The source adds that Brian really loves being a daddy, and that both he and Megan were “very happy” to find out she was pregnant.

Megan herself hasn’t said whether or not Brian is the father of her third baby, but she did post this picture on Instagram to show whose name wouldn’t be written on the birth certificate.

#notthefather

A photo posted by Megan Fox (@the_native_tiger) on Apr 12, 2016 at 12:47pm PDT

Okay, so those of you who called up your baby daddy bookie and put $20 on Shia LaBeouf, Will Arnett, or Nick Miller from New Girl, well – you’re out $20. And until we hear it from Megan, we still don’t know for sure who the daddy is. All I know for sure is that it’s a good thing Megan got knocked up before she turned 30, otherwise she’d have to go back to Bible times and get her old lady pregnancy tips from Abraham’s wife Sarah.

Pic: Wenn.com

Sad news for millionaire Arab sheiks who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan would hop on their 250 footer during yacht season in Cannes, she may have temporarily retired from the game to marry her Russian sugar sonny.

TMZ, UsWeekly and Gossip Cop all say that 22-year-old Russian trust fund kid Egor Tarabasov proposed to 29-year-old Lindsay Lohan after 5 months of bumping his Russian peen against her freckled crotch carniceria. Since LiLo has to get busy if she wants to beat her idol Elizabeth Taylor’s 7-husband-record, she said YES! TMZ’s source (aka Michael Lohan calling from a pre-paid cell phone while waiting for their payment to him to go through at a Western Union) said that LiLo and her Russian sugar sonny got engaged over the weekend. LiLo’s man has been described as the son of a Russian billionaire business mogul, but Page Six said a while ago that his dad owns a few Home Depot-like stores in Moscow and is a millionaire, but isn’t exactly butt burping up diamond-encrusted gold bars.

Lindsay Lohan’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) denied the rumor that she’s engaged to Egor (who is giving me second-tier James Franco impersonator meets Ponch from CHiPs). But I’m guessing that LiLo’s rep spit out a denial, because she’s trying to sell her engagement announcement and pictures of the ring to the highest bidder. I’m also going to guess that a Russian tabloid will be the highest bidder and they’ll pay for that shit with a half-pack of Reds and an almost-empty 8-ball.

White Oprah would celebrate this happy news by using her future son-in-law’s credit card (“So dat’s vere it vent!” – Egor) to buy everyone a round of shots at a T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island, but she’s got work to do. White Oprah’s gotta troll the baby black market for a freckled newborn that LiLo can pretend to give birth to, because you gotta get that child support money on lock right away. While White Oprah does that, Egor’s family should look into having him institutionalized, because anybody who wants to be a member of the Lohan family must be certifiable.

Pic: Wenn.com