It seems like only yesterday… The world that was. Before civilization crumbled. It started quietly enough and then consumed society. The capitals fell, the economy collapsed and corruption ran rampant. What was once a successful niche fantasy book series called Game of Thrones came to life on TV and took control of the majority. It pulled people in with its fighting, magic and heavily gratuitous shots of boobs, boobs, more boobs and full frontal poon. I knew the obsession and corruption went all the way to the top, and now we have proof.

HuffPo tells us that Kit Harrington, or as some of you may know him, Jon Snow, was on The Tonight Show on Friday and told Jimmy Fallon about a run in with the dark, seedy underbelly of the law. While driving home after visiting his parents, Kit was pulled over by a cop for speeding. This is where things get real and scary. No the cop didn’t make him do sex things. Get your head out of the GoT gutter. No, the cop said to Kit:

He said, ‘Look, there’s two ways we could do this. You can either follow me back to the police station now and I book you in, or you can tell me whether you live in the next series of ‘Game of Thrones.

This officer is clearly someone who is not on the right side of the law. Were it up to him, he’d probably have let off Vanessa Hudgens for defacing that rock if she told him what brand of mascara Zac Efron used circa the High School Musical years. Well, Kit complied and told the officer that yes, Jon Snow was still alive. The cop then went full fan and said ,”On your way Lord Commander. Keep the speed down this far south of the wall.”

I had to stop watching that shit a few years ago because it was too much even for my sick and twisted mind. There’s only so many throat slittings, beheadings and rape one can sit through before it becomes too much. And on top of all that, it’s slower than watching paint dry. It’s like Hostel done by Merchant Ivory. Last week’s Saturday Night Live pretty much summed it up perfectly with their sketch about Jon Snow coming back to life. If you need a GoT fix, here’s Kit on Tonight:

Pic: Wenn

Nature is a wonder. Its beauty is endless, its majesty grand and its tranquility unrivalled. Just ask Justin Bieber. He’s ssssuuuuppppppeeeerrrrr into nature right now. But humans are destructive and selfish. Nature has suffered because of us and our hands are covered in green blood. You’d think that someone who lives for flower headbands and fringe vests would be out protecting it, not destroying it. Like noted Coachella attendee, Vanessa Hudgens. Not cool, Vanessa! Very, not cool!

Page Six reports that Vanessa has had to pay a $1,000 fine for defacing a beautiful, innocent, never-been-to-Coachella red rock wall in Sedona, Arizona. Back around Valentine’s Day she threw up a photo on Instagram of the vandalized rock in question, on which she’d written “Vanessa” and “Austin”, as in Austin Butler, her piece. She deleted it off her Instagram once she realized that its a crime to deface natural features, but this is the internet, where nothing ever dies.

The $1,000 fine seems like she’s getting off too easy. She should be in jail! That poor rock. If you’re going to deface something at least do it nicely. Don’t try and be cute with that pre-school level drawing, Vanessa. You are a grown woman. Act like it. Though it’s common for idiot people to ruin nature’s beauty, the culprits are rarely found, but because Vanessa is a celeb type and put it on the internet she done got caught. It was apparently her followers that reported her ass to the authorities. If you break the law, you’re gonna have to pay one way or another. Now who do I talk to about Grease: Live and the appropriate punishment?

Pics: Wenn, Instagram

Because it is the most important day of the year, you lucky people get Open Post early! How very lucky you are indeed. Its Eurovision and that means I’ll be sitting at home all day screaming and crying at the TV. And this year, Eurovision is actually being aired on American TV! For the first time ever! In color! Thank god I don’t have to suffer through a crappy live stream online. Those grainy feeds start and stop all the damn time and it really takes away from the miracle and gift that is Eurovision.

Our host for the day is the gorgeous and stunning video for San Marino’s entry, “I Didn’t Know” by Serhat. Sadly, San Marino didn’t make it to the finals. I don’t want to say anything bad about Eurovision because it is my god and it can be a vengeful one, but how this didn’t make it to the end, I have no idea and I’m just gonna put the word “rigged” out there. This magnificent musical epic was directed and art directed by Thierry Mugler, now Manfred Mugler, legendary 80s designer. It takes some with the mot exquisite taste to put together something as glorious as this. While he may not be in the final, Serhat is a reminder of why Eurovision is so incredible. Without it, where would we get this level of ART? Let’s all put on our monocles and get ready for the greatest event of the year!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHykTpxCVR8

In other Canadian news, Justin Bieber is continuing to lose his mind. Sorry, I mean find himself, define his boundaries, discover himself… or something like that. I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s doing an amazing job playing the part of the out of control child star. He’s hitting all the right notes: temper tantrums, edgy hairstyles, a face tattoo! We now find ourselves at the part of the story where religion and spirituality get dragged into it.

The last time we checked in with Justin, he had put up a note on Instagram saying he is no longer taking photos with fans. Now TMZ is reporting that according to some source type, Justin is not in fact heading to a padded cell, he’s just super into God and nature. I feel for God. She – Yes! She! It’s 2016! – is always having the worst of the worst implicate her in their nonsense. If I had a dollar for every time she’s said, “Don’t look at me! I have nothing to do with this,” I’d be a very rich man.

Justin was recently seen doing his best Eddie Murphy in Holy Man impression when he was spotted walking around Boston barefoot and sitting in a tree. He was by himself and tried to make friends with a squirrel and generally commune with nature. TMZ is saying that he’s shifting because his Purpose tour has rattled his brain and left him needing to center himself with, I imagine, a lot of saying “namaste” and shambhala bracelets. Emphasis on the sham. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll take this all the way and move to a Tibetan monastery and take a vow of silence.

Pic: Instagram

Here we are. Saturday the 14th of May, 2016. It’s pleasant out at the moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to rain. It’s been muggy, sticky, so rain will do some good. Cool down the pavement. Give everyone a little splash of relief. It’s funny. You see all the people outside and it’s as if they don’t know. as if they weren’t aware of it being the most important day of the year… EUROVISION! Which is why it pains me to sully this day by speaking of people who could probably never make it into the semi-finals, let alone win – Avril Lavigne and Nickelback.

Avril, as Billboard explains, is not a happy camper at the moment. MSNBC took a poll to see what people preferred over Donald Trump, and while Nickelback is one of the most hated bands in the world, people chose them over Donald. Good for them! E! ran a story on this incredibly important and informative poll and Avril is not having it. She and Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger split last year, but have been seen together recently, so you can all calm down. I know how worried you’ve been about Canada’s royal couple. Avril, being the polite Canadian she is – despite her bedroom door being covered in signs that say things like “PARENTS SUCK” – jumped on Twitter to slap at those hateful hos at E!

Hey @ENews and everyone writing these articles…. grow up. https://t.co/KShskEcIFM this is extremely rude and uncalled for

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

17 #1 HIT SINGLES!!!! What an epic accomplishment!!!! @Nickelback is adored by millions worldwide !!! I’ve seen their sold out shows!!!

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

Enough is enough!!! You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind. #SpreadMoreLoveThanHate

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

“@enews: Proof something exists that people hate even more than Nickelback: https://t.co/KShskEcIFMpic.twitter.com/UmPa1bv5A0”NOT COOL

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

That’s right, E! Grow up! Just like Avril’s fans did!… who then realised what they had been listening to, scrunched up their faces and felt deeply embarrassed about the school dance they went to wearing a tie with a tank top. And thanks to her, I’m now familiar with Nickelback’s sales numbers. I knew that despite being the butt of a lot jokes they were big, but I didn’t realise they were that big. I guess a lot of people have kind of trashy cousins who still wear JNCO’s and have frosted tips. Ugh. That side of the family sucks. 

Pic: Wenn

Day-To-Night™ Barbie!

The greatest Barbie that was ever created, Peaches ‘N’ Cream Barbie, and Loving You Barbie have all been honored here at Dlisted, so now it’s time to pay tribute to the Barbie who proved that you girls can do anything like take off your blazer and reverse your skirt. I know, DTN Barbie really inspired you to reach for the stars! (And your skirt so you can reverse it for date night with Ken.)

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