I wasn’t even aware that Jena Malone was pregnant. Or maybe I did know that, but I can only remember a certain amount of famous knocked-up people news and I decided to reserve it all for Courtney Stodden’s pregnancy. 31-year-old Jena Malone announced today on Instagram that she has given birth to her first child, a son, she made with artist/photographer boyfriend Ethan DeLorenzo.

“The best weekend of our lives!!! What an incredible blessing to be chosen by this amazing, kind, gentle and beautiful soul to be his parents. Humbled and in complete awe that we get to experience the most ancient and transcendent love that exists.

Thank you Ode Mountain DeLorenzo Malone.”

“Ancient and transcendent love“? That sounds like a birth announcement written by someone who presses their own turmeric milk because they can’t be guaranteed that the bottled stuff at the co-op hasn’t come into contact with a yuppie’s filthy normie hands. With that being said, that completely explains that name. Let’s forget for a second that “Ode Mountain” sounds like how Nicole Kidman would pronounce Cold Mountain if she had some leftover Botox freezing in her sinuses. Ode Mountain sounds like a company started by two guys from Colorado who met at a Phish concert that makes 100% organic cruelty-free camping tarps and sleeping bags (cruelty free because they’re sewn in a way that doesn’t traumatize the ground when you sleep on it).

I do feel sort of bad though. Soleil Moon Frye was probably going to name a future child Ode Mountain, and now she has to cross that name off her list.

Here’s a pregnant Jenna and her boyfriend Ethan DeLorean at a fashion show back in February.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Great news for Ronnie Wood! The next time he accidentally takes a caca during bath times and spits out his mashed peas dinner onto the floor (because that crap is just nasty), he’ll have not only one, but two, humans he can blame it on. Ronnie Wood is a father to babies again at the age of 68. When some people are 68, the only contact they want to have with chirrun is to scream at the ones playing on their front lawn, but Ronnie is actually happy about having adorable drool monsters around again.

Last December, we learned that even after centuries of smoking, snorting, butt chugging, injecting and eyeballing the bad shit, Ronnie Wood’s cum fish can still knock a trick up. Ronnie and his 38-year-old theater producer wife of 3 years Sally Humphries announced that a pair of babies were growing in her womb. Sally birthed out twin girls yesterday and no, she didn’t name one Ka and the other one Ching. via BBC

“Ronnie & Sally Wood are delighted to announce the birth of their twins Gracie Jane (6lb) & Alice Rose (5.7lb). The girls arrived on 30 May at 22:30 and all are doing brilliantly. The babies are perfect.”

Gracie Jane and Alice Rose are Sally’s first children. Besides these new ones, Ronnie has four kids: 41-year-old Jamie, 39-year-old Jesse, 37-year-old Leah and 32-year-old Tyrone.

Like I said before, Ronnie Wood’s Hoggle-looking ass and Keith Richards are going to live longer than dirt, so he’ll witness the entire lives of his twins, his grandkids and his great-great-great-great-great grandkids, but still. Can you imagine being 80-something years old and having to suffer through the nightmare of your kids’ high school graduation? You have to sit there and deal with the judgmental looks from hos who don’t appreciate you taking big swigs of Ensure and rum from your flask, and you have to deal with tricks shushing you when you loudly say, “When is this over? My Depends is full! I can’t take this shit much longer, literally!” Actually, pissing people off like that sounds fun. Let me add “have kids at 68” to my list of possible goals.

And here’s Gracie and Alice’s new uncles at a Rolling Stones exhibit at the Saatchi Gallery in London last month:

Pics: Wenn.com

On Sunday night, Adele taught one woman in the audience of her concert a very important lesson: you can say goodbye to the idea of recording her performance and getting away with it. During a show in Verona, Italy Adele spotted a woman in the crowd doing what many of us who have attended concerts in the past few years have been witness to. She was filming Adele’s performance. Maybe that lady is an aspiring Martin Scorsese and this was her attempt at making the Adele equivalent of The Last Waltz, I don’t know. Regardless, Adele Adkins doesn’t play with people who are watching her belt out musical feelings through a tiny screen, so she called her ass out.

that face at the end ? YES ADELE DRAG HER ????? pic.twitter.com/1VFdl1T9IV

— charlotte (@_charl_alice_) May 29, 2016

In case you can’t hear, Adele says:

“Yeah, I want to tell that lady as well, can you stop filming me with a video camera, because I’m really here in your life, and you can enjoy it in real life. Can you take your tripod down? This isn’t a DVD, this is a real show. I’d really like you to enjoy my show, because there’s lot of people outside that couldn’t come in.”

If this whole singing thing doesn’t work out, Adele should become a middle school teacher. Because that was some pitch-perfect “Oh, you’re in trouble now” teacher tone. I watched that through my computer, and I still sat up straight and got scared she was going to call my parents.

So that lady got shit for recording Adele. On the downside, she probably spent the rest of the concert trying not to make eye contact with those around her. But on the upside, she had a real one-on-one moment with Adele. With eye contact! You can’t tell me that there wasn’t at least a dozen Daydreamers in that audience that were seething with jealousy. “I’m recording the show too, you know. Why don’t you acknowledge me, queen?!?!”

Pic: Wenn.com

If you’re one of Katy Perry’s 89.1 million Twitter followers (yes, that number is correct), you no doubt saw her tweeting some truly insane shit yesterday. The most insane being a tweet sent to her forever enemy Taylor Swift that wasn’t simply a middle-finger emoji. Any communication sent from Katy Perry to Taylor Swift would be enough for you to assume her Twitter account was being run by someone else. And yeah, it was.

According to E! News, Katy Perry’s Twitter account was hacked sometime on Monday night. Right now, Twitter is trying to investigate who is responsible, but they think it might be a Romanian-based Twitter user who goes by the name @sw4ylol. In between tweeting hate words and “Miss u baby” to Taylor Swift, the hacker tweeted for people to follow @sw4ylol with the hashtag “#hackersgonnahack.” Shortly after, the account belonging to @sw4ylol tweeted a SoundCloud link to an unreleased Katy Perry song titled “Witness 1.3.” However, that tweet has since been replaced with a screengrab of a copyright notice from SoundCloud, and the song itself has also apparently been yanked off of SoundCloud.

As for @sw4ylol, I’m sure they’ve already been contacted by Taylor Swift’s lawyers regarding the matter. Not because she was dragged into the hacking of one of the uncool girls, but because their Twitter handle is just a little too close to hers. “The number 4 is only one number off from 3. Not to mention that the letters s, w, y, l and o have all been trademarked by Taylor Swift Inc.”

Once Katy’s people figured out what had happened, they took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to the suspect tweets and have pretended like nothing weird happened. As for that supposedly leaked song, there’s literally no evidence of it anywhere online. Did it even exist in the first place? Who knows! But if it did, I’m going to assume the video for it would have been a messy take on the 1985 movie Witness, with Katy Perry dressed in some boobed-up vaguely-Amish costume and winking while working a butter churn.

Pic: Wenn.com

If I I had a working time machine, I’d take it back to 1920s Switzerland to try and get with Hermann Rorshach because he was the kind of hot piece who could make you create an inkblot test in your chonies. Once I escaped after Hermann turned me down and tried to commit me, I’d take my time machine to early 90s Southern California to tell my sad gayby self not to worry, because yeah, one of the greatest shows that ever happened, GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling), is over for now, but it’ll be back in a different form in 26 years thanks to some shit called Netflix. My gayby self would probably look at his grown self’s skinny fat body and tired face and immediately scream for our mom to get him a gym membership and industrial-strength moisturizer STAT.

Deadline brings us news that may make you children of the 80s squirt out a stream of glitter-infused excitement. Jenji Kohan, creator and executive producer of Orange is the New Black, will executive produce a 1980s-era comedy series based on GLOW for Netflix.

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It’s time once again to add another name to the growing list of people getting involved with this massive bummer of a situation between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. This time it’s two security guards named Jerry Judge and Sean Bett who worked at Johnny and Amber’s Los Angeles penthouse. And while I can’t exactly be sure whose side they’re on, it sounds like they’re Team Halitosis (aka Team Johnny).

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