The air is filled with less ozone-killing hairspray and chunky particles of Christian glamour today, because Jan Crouch, the citizen of Candyland who inherited the late Tammy Faye Bakker Mesner’s title as the Empress of Christian Televangelist Beauty has died. Everyone lower your luscious fake eyelashes at half mast. Jan Crouch was 78 years old.

WESH2 says that last Wednesday, Jan had a life-threatening stroke and was checked into a hospital in Orlando, FL. At the time, a family friend said that it didn’t seem like Jan would recover from the stroke. Jan’s son Matt Crouch and her daughter-in-law Laurie Crouch announced in a statement today that Jan’s pink unicorn mane of a wig has sprouted frosty wings and carried her to the afterworld:

“Laurie and I have just watched the transition of our precious Mother from this world to the next; watched her step into the presence of Jesus and into her heavenly reward. Jan Crouch, known around the world as Momma Jan, has gone home.

Those who battled for the Kingdom of God knew her as a fighter — someone who didn’t give up, someone who fought relentlessly to get the Gospel around the world.

Jan Crouch loved many things, but most of all she loved Jesus, and now has seen Him face to face and has experienced His grace in fullness.

She has taken a piece of our hearts with her, but it’s so wonderful to know that Paul and Jan Crouch are together again, in the arms of Jesus.”

Jan and her late husband, Paul Crouch, founded the Trinity Broadcasting Network in 1973 and it grew to become the largest religious television network in the world. Jan was also the CEO of the Christian theme park The Holy Land Experience in Orlando, and she helped create TBN’s headquarters, an opulent palace of tasteful holiness in Costa Mesa, CA.

No televangelist’s messy career would be complete without SCANDALS and TBN had several including Paul Crouch’s gay sex scandal and accusations that Jan used millions of the ministry’s money to fund her lavish lifestyle.

Jan Crouch is now gone, but her spellbinding theatrical and glamorous memory will forever live on thanks to this legendary performance that drag queens will continue to recreate until the end of days!

Pic: Twitter

Or, for those of you who don’t watch The Americans and whose tastes lean a little more to the “things to watch while wine buzzed” side of things, Felicity and Peter from Love and Other Disasters. Congratulations, you two! You now have a baby.

According to UsWeekly, Keri Russell had the baby that was made with her Americans co-star and maybe side piece-turned-legit piece Matthew Rhys. Keri kept pretty hush about being knocked up by the dude she might have left her husband of 7 years for, and she’s being hush about the baby’s birth too. UsWeekly says it happened last week, but other than that, we don’t know much else. We don’t have a name, or know whether Baby Russell-Rhys is a boy or a girl. Although it sounds like Keri and Matthew were able to provide GPS coordinates, because a source tells UsWeekly that their current location is somewhere over the moon.

“Keri and Matt both look overjoyed and are over the moon to be new parents. They are always snapping pictures of the baby, and family and friends have been sending gifts.”

The Daily Mail has some pictures of Keri and Matthew and a sling-snuggled newborn strolling around New York yesterday.

Keri and Matthew’s new baby joins Keri’s two children from her marriage to Shane Deary, an 8-year-old named River and a 4-year-old named Willa. On the scale of celebrity baby names, those are pretty normal. They sound like The Boxcar Children’s free-spirited hippie commune cousins. With that being said, I really hope Keri and Matthew complete the theme by naming their new baby something like Melody or Sky. They’re but one name and a wooden flute away from a future farmer’s market ambient music trio.

Pic: Splash

James Weeks, the panty cream-inducing (or dry parts-inducing, depending on what you’re into) Libertarian Party candidate who displayed his right to bare huevos and nalgas at his party’s convention on Sunday.

I have already mailed in my ballot for the California primary, but there’s a tingling urge in me (and yes that tingling urge is in my loins and nipple tips) that is telling me to run down to the post office and beg them to dive into the mail that’s about to go out. I need to find my ballot so that I can cross off my pick and write “JAMES WEEKS FOR EVERYTHING” with a chisel tip black Sharpie.

James Weeks wasn’t technically running for his party’s presidential nomination (that went to the former governor of New Mexico Gary Johnson), but he won it for me when he showed us that the main focus of his campaign is making the country a sexier place with furry chest dumplings and bear bulges.

James ran for party chairman and during the Libertarian Party National Convention in (of course) the American epicenter of fuckery, Florida, he used a chunk of his allotted two minutes at the podium to strip and pull out some Not-So-Magic Mike moves.

https://youtu.be/d45x4OpMoow

After getting hit with a wave of boos, James told reporters that it was a dare, and then he dropped out of the race. I’m guessing that iron cross tattoo was a dare too… And yup, that video pretty much sums up this entire election.

Colin Farrell (40)
Azealia Banks (25)
Backdoor Farrah (25)
Phillipa Soo (26)
Waka Flocka Flame (30)
Casey James (34)
Andy Hurley (36)
Eric Christian Olsen (39)
Archie Panjabi (44)
Sandrine Bonnaire (49)
Phil Keoghan (49)
Brooke Shields (51)
Corey Hart (54)
Patti Stanger (55)
Lea Thompson (55)
Chris Elliott (56)
Roma Maffia (61)
Susie Essman (61)
Tom Berenger (67)
Sharon Gless (73)
Joe Namath (73)
Clint Eastwood (86)

Pic: AP

Amal and George Clooney got in a photo-op with the Pope during their visit to Italy, because well, he wants to give the media as many pictures of him with leaders as possible for when he runs for president. Even the Pope is looking at George like, “Bitch, I see what you’re doing.” – Lainey Gossip 

A vigil has been set for Harambe, the gorilla who was killed at the Cincinnati Zoo and whose death is definitely going to lead to a Planet of the Apes-like uprising – Towleroad

Oh shit, these youngins’ are starting to wear spaghetti strap tops over plain white t-shirts. The 90s are officially back and are officially shitting all over our eyes – Hollywood Tuna 

How many times do you think Brit Brit Spears pissed in the pool during the making of this video? – Drunken Stepfather

The showrunner for Chelsea Handler’s new Netflix show quit that bitch after not even a month – Celebitchy

Topher Grace got married – Just Jared

Yes, I just spent a couple of minutes of my Memorial Day staring at JLo’s tiny camel toe – Popoholic

Charlize Theron threw Emily Blunt a baby shower – Popsugar

Countess LuAnn is fucking on Sonja Morgan’s leftovers, so says Ramona Singer – Reality Tea 

Pic: AP

When you have to pass through the kitchen of a restaurant to leave through the backdoor because you want to outwit the paparazzi, and dough that the pizza chef was twirling in the air lands on your head, do what Jane Fonda did outside of Dan Tana’s in West Hollywood last night. Go with it and work that pizza dough beret like a world-renowned designer (think Christina Applegate in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead) created it just for you. Who cares if your pooch throws a look at the camera like, “Can you believe I have to be seen with her while she’s wearing that shit on her head?”

It’s not delivery. It’s not DiGiorno. It’s fashion, bitch!

Pics: Splash