Prepare to find mysterious teeth in a pile of twigs outside of your tent, and to jump the fuck out of your seat at very little. They announced that there’s another sequel to 1999’s The Blair Witch Project on the way at San Diego Comic-Con yesterday.

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Ford, sure. Trump, no. Even dead rock stars want Trump to cut the shit and stop using their music. George Harrison’s estate didn’t feel the enthusiasm when Ivanka Trump strolled out to introduce her rotting naranja father accompanied by the The Beatles’ “Here Comes The Sun” at the RNC this past week.

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The “Not The One” Swan whose last nerve has snapped and now he’s on a mission to destroy all model boats in his path!

Lakes are a swan’s home, and one swan in the town of Needham Market in Suffolk, England is done with intruders, like model boats, trespassing on his private space and has declared an all-out war on those bitches. The Telegraph says that the Not The One Swan of Suffolk is putting the HAM in Needham by going crazy on anything that gets in his way. The swan has destroyed around 8 model boats and one of those boats reportedly cost £15,000. (I know, the REAL story here is that a model boat can cost thousands of dollars.)

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Woody Harrelson (55)
Daniel Radcliffe (27)
Krysta Rodriguez (32)
Tristan MacManus (34)
Paul Wesley (34)
Michelle Williams (36)
Tom Parker (39)
Stephanie March (42)
Kathryn Hahn (43)
Monica Lewinsky (43)
Marlon Wayans (44)
Alison Krauss (45)
Charisma Carpenter (46)
Stephanie Seymour (48)
Slash (51)
Eriq La Salle (54)
Lydia Cornell (63)
Edie McClurg (65)

Pic: Pinterest

Goopy Paltrow’s friend Mario Batali burped up his thoughts about a couple of her exes. Mario liked Brad Pitt, but really wasn’t into Ben Affleck and he even made a nanny joke. I love that Mario Batali throws nanny shade at Ben Affleck, but his opinion is invalid as long as he insists on wearing those Satanic shoes made from the devil’s colon. Invalid! – Lainey Gossip 

We could’ve lived in a world where Brangelina weren’t a thing and Gwen Stefani won a Razzie for playing Mrs. Smith – Celebitchy

I thought that headline said “Jose Canseco’s Nipples” and I got so confused…. – Drunken Stepfather

Ramona Singer’s mouth farted out the duh of duhs – Reality Tea

I’m sure one of the Duggar sons will be looking to “court” soon, so Backdoor Farrah should hold out for one of them – The Superficial 

If you play tennis, then follow Charli XCX’s lead and wear this sporty yet elegant ensemble the next time you hit the court – Egotastic!

Colton Haynes is doing Scream Queens 2 – Towleroad

Emma Roberts’ bringing “dominatrix secretary” to Comic-On gets a yes from me, but I have a feeling that her suffocating, overheated chichis don’t feel the same way – Popoholic

The Fixer Uppers from HGTV are getting their own magazine – Starcasm

Chloe Grace Moretz, Debra Messing, America Ferrera, Eva Longoria, Lena Dunham, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato and Alicia Keys are all speaking at next week’s Democratic National Convention. I know, no Susan Sarandon. I’m overfilled with SHOCK! – IDLYITW

Emily RideAJetSki’s nalgas, here they are – Hollywood Tuna

The Fappening hacker will spend the next 6 months fapping in a prison cell bunk bed – HuffPo

I guess I need to start watching Bates Motel again so that I can witness RiRi’s impeccable acting as Marion Crane – Just Jared

My dream of Hillary Clinton picking Angelyne as her running mate didn’t come true…. – Popsugar

Pic: PBS

Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.

While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:

I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.

I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].

You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HZkC79t_Pk

Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.

Pic: Wenn.com