Michael Phelps’ circle hickeys have taken over the Olympics, and Goopy Paltrow must think that is so cute. Because for her, cupping is soooo 2004 and nowadays she gets rid of the toxins in her body by spewing shit out in articles for Goop – Lainey Gossip 

Tom Daley and his diving partner Dan Goodfellow won an Olympic bronze model in Rio. In one of the pics of them reacting to the news, it looks like they’re getting into exciting nipple play – Towleroad

I’m sensing that Twitter will soon get another crazy rant from Brandi Glanville about insufferable LeAnn Rimes….. – Reality Tea 

Normani Kordei of Fifth Harmony has quit Twitter because of racist trolls – Celebitchy

This clip of Brit Brit Spears making sweet mouth love to a hot dog should’ve been the video for “Make Me” – Drunken Stepfather

Kourtney Kartrashian admits that she sometimes thinks she’d be happy if her fame whore family’s reality show came to an end. In related news, Pimp Mama Kris has just ordered a DNA test to see if Kourtney is really her kin – Starcasm

Scott Eastwood may have bumped nipples with Charlotte McKinney – The Superficial 

49-year-old R. Kelly is dating a 19-year-old and that’s gross, but well, 19 is practically cougar age to him – Just Jared

Two more women have come forward claiming that Bill Cosby assaulted them. That brings the number of alleged victims to: I Lost Count – Jezebel

For why wasn’t August 1st an international holiday? I mean, Howard the Duck turned 30 on that day! – Egotastic!

Tragic. All of it. – Hollywood Tuna 

If a stereotypical Frenchman was transformed into a bikini, he would look like Hilary Duff’s beach outfit – Popoholic

It was nice of Heidi Klum to wear something see-through so that her nipples could enjoy the Drake show too – The Nip Slip

Justin Trudeau’s PM nips photobombed a wedding – OMG Blog

Holly Madison is really, really, really, really pregnant – IDLYITW

Please tell me that Mimi is going to play her Glitter character in season 3 of Empire – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

Since 2009, the Lucille Ball Memorial Park in her hometown of Celoron, NY has been free of birds, squirrels, dogs, cats, bees, flies, mosquitos, bunnies and humans not possessed by the devil and it was all because of a horrifying statue of her. No living thing dared to go near it. Over the weekend I saw headline after headline saying that the statue had been “replaced” and I thought that the Lucille Ball Memorial park must now be full of life, butterflies and sunshine again since that soul-murdering Lucy statue is gone. But it’s not gone. It continues to induce night terrors!

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One of Satan’s most-devoted minions Mario Batali was in Portofino, Italy with his family yesterday and he terrorized the people by wearing the Ninth Circle’s official footwear of choice CROCS! The ginger look-alike of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons wears Crocs so much that I bet his hooves have molded to their shape. Mario’s feet probably look like skin Crocs, and now I want to cut a hole in my skull and pour boiling holy water onto my brain until the image of skin Crocs has been cleansed from it.

And Mario throwing us the middle finger is redundant and he shouldn’t have bothered. Because nothing says, “Fuck you, I hate you, I want your eyeballs to die,” like wearing Crocs in public.

Pics: Splash

And a teeny tiny piece of money in that humongous pile came from me, because I went to see Suicide Squad yesterday. The reviews were right: it’s a piece of sparkly shit!

1. It had more holes than a nerd’s over-worn Underoos. There was barely a plot and it seemed like even the main characters were confused about what was going on.
2. Jared Leto’s Joker was more like a watered down, Hot Topic-fied version of Gary Oldman’s character in True Romance.
3. Cara Delawhatever’s character gets (SPOILER ALERT) possessed by a witch, but she comes off like she was possessed by a dead AAA battery,  because her “acting” makes Megan Fox look like the most charismatic and natural actress of our time. The Enchantress’ real evil power is the ability to paralyze humans with her shit-tastic acting skills. At one point I was about to jump up and scream, “Okay, okay, I give in! I give in! If you stop acting, I’ll let you turn me into one of your gonorrhea-infested pickle dick soldiers!“

But with that being said, I was still entertained and I appreciated the hotness provided by Jai Courtney.

And as we all know, bad reviews don’t really mean much nowadays and Suicide Squad proved that by breaking records at the box office.

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I am a person without cable, which means I can’t watch the 2016 summer Olympics on NBC, CBC or any other channel. So if I want to see a greasy shirtless hottie in a paper mache skirt work it for his homeland, I go to Twitter. And there are some people on Twitter who truly deserve a gold medal for their coverage of the Olympic games. Leslie Jones is one of them. Leslie returned to twitter after a brief hiatus, and thank god she did, because Leslie’s coverage of the Olympics is the only coverage you need. NBC thinks Leslie is doing such a good job of covering the Olympics that they recently invited her to Rio and do it live.

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It’s been three weeks since Courtney Stodden announced that she suffered a miscarriage and since then, she’s been mourning the loss of her baby all over social media. And last night, she told her Instagram followers in a video that she wanted to step into a “new chapter” of her life fresh and to her that meant shaving her head as a symbolic gesture to the baby she lost. Many people shave their head as a way of starting anew (like the time I stupidly bleached every ounce of life outta my hair and made the decision to shave my head and start a new chapter where my mop didn’t look like an overused yellow Chore Boy.) But Courtney’s video made me wanna either call 1-800-CHZ-GRTS (that’s Daddy Spears’ help line) or scream for Dourtney to get his human some support and help.

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