The Porn Iguana And Creepy Doug Are Sharing Custody Of Dourtney

When all of the cherubs flew into the sun after hearing that the human (??) symbol of true love, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, are over, most of us picked ourselves up off the floor, scrubbed the dried tears off of our cheeks and screamed to the sky, “But what about DOURTNEY?!” The Porn Iguana and her melted Fred Durst-looking ass husband have answered our question today. They released a statement to The Daily Mail today confirming that she’s decided that wants to be free (read: do porn) and explore life (read: explore peens that aren’t attached to Doug) and he’s letting her do that, because she was starting to get too old for him anyway. Or maybe this is all just another publicity stunt for her to get a reality shit show. I don’t know. But more importantly, they’re sharing custody of Dourtney.

Dogs haven’t yet evolved to the point where they can release their own statements in human words. But if they could, Dourtney would probably release his own statement saying that he wished a bobcat and a coyote shared custody of him instead of these two. I don’t mean that. Obviously the Porn Iguana is the epitome of maternal elegance.