And she thinks Roman Polanski is AH-MAH-ZING. Limousine hippie Miley Cyrus is the star of Woody Allen’s upcoming series for Amazon, Crisis in Six Scenes. Vanity Fair caught up with the anti-red carpet activist at the show’s premiere in NYC on Thursday night. Presumably not on a red carpet. Perhaps it was taupe, or they stood on the tile. Nevertheless, Miley loves her some tiny daughter-marrier.

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Diego, the 100-year-old tortoise who just can’t get enough tortoise puss and has saved his own species by raw dogging hundreds of ladies!

The testes of Jim Bob Duggar, DMX, Mel Gibson, Eddie Murphy and El DeBarge must be feeling inadequate and lazy as hell today, because while they are so fertile that they can knock a trick up just by looking at her, they have nothing on Diego. Phys.org reports that Diego’s native land is Espanola in the Galapagos, but sometime in the 1930s, he was moved to the San Diego Zoo where he lived for three decades. When the population of his kind, the Chelonoidis Hoodensis tortoises, were on the verge of extinction, he was brought back to the Galapagos to make some babies, which he did. And how! It’s estimated that 800 tortoises call him daddy.

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Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson (65)
Ella Purnell (20)
Danielle Brooks (27)
Wade Robson (34)
Constantine Maroulis (41)
Bobby Lee (45)
Nate Berkus (45)
Keith Flint (47)
Matthew Settle (47)
Anastacia (48)
Malik Yoba (49)
Doug E. Fresh (50)
Bryan Singer (51)
Kyle Chandler (51)
Amy Roloff (52)
James Urbaniak (53)
Baz Luhrmann (54)
Dustin Nguyen (54)
BeBe Winans (54)
Kevin Clash (56)
Charles Martinet (61)
Rita Rudner (63)
Anne Bancroft (1931-2005)
Lupe Ontiveros (1942-2012)
John Ritter (1948-2003)

Pic: Fanshare

Orlando Bloom bleached his hair blond for a movie and now looks like Draco Malfoy’s smarmy uncle. I was going to ask if the carpet matches the drapes, but the entire internet is probably hoping that question will be answered when he goes naked paddle boarding again – Lainey Gossip

Sarah Hyland served up some Reynolds Wrap nipple action – Drunken Stepfather

Tom Hiddleston feels like everyone is laughing at him for the ToTay mess. No, Tom, we’re laughing with you (no, we’re totally laughing at him) – Celebitchy

Caroline Manzo is going to be a grandma – Reality Tea

I love an ice cold ginge, so I am all about the Nocturnal Animals trailer, but it needs more shirtless Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Towleroad

If Jessica Johnson really wants the ultimate porn star name, she should change her first name to Jessucka – The Superficial 

Hilaria Baldwin is right on schedule with the post-birth lingerie selfies – WWTDD

Future headline: Brit Brit Spears Arrested For Polygamy After Quickie Marrying Several Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries – Egotastic!

Emily Blunt is dressed like a 70s clown going to a business meeting and I am into it – Popoholic

Kim Kartrashian did something she’s never done before and by “never” I mean 5,698,890,983 times, at least – Celebslam

These kids should headline Lollapalooza – Hollywood Tuna 

I see that Pimp Mama Kris wants Maury to guest star on a very special episode of Rob & Chyna – Starcasm

Today is a day that happened, which means that Katt Williams was arrested – The Daily Beast

No to Bradley Cooper’s sad, greasy man bun, but YES to his hot running partner – Just Jared

Woody Allen’s next movie already looks like a mess – Popsugar

Pic: Instagram

Catholic Mel Gibson once again summoned side-eyes from strict Catholic abuelitas everywhere by making a baby with a woman he isn’t married to. 60-year-old Mad Mel’s angry grizzly man jizz knocked up his 26-year-old equestrian vaulter/aspiring screenwriter girlfriend of 2 years Rosalind Ross. Rosalind will pop out the latest member of Mad Mel’s child army early next year. Mel’s rep confirmed the news to People. All of the 60-something people I know or have known want to spend their days burping themselves after their 6th beer and they don’t want to spend their days burping a baby. But a source tells People that Mad Mel can’t wait for his new baby to show up.

“Mel and Rose are so excited about the baby. Mel loves being a dad and he and Rose can’t wait to be parents together. The last two years have been some of his happiest years he’s ever had.”

Mad Mel has 7 kids with his ex-wife Robyn Moore, and as everyone knows, he has an almost-7-year-old daughter with Oksana Grigorieva. Mel’s oldest is 36. His knocked-up piece is younger than 5 of his 8 kids.

And before every family court judge in Los Angeles left for the weekend, they got together and took bets as to how long before Rosalind and Mad Mel are in one their court rooms fighting over child support money. They all probably bet around 6 months, but they’re hoping the answer is never, because they really don’t want to hear another recording of Mel scream-whining about how Rosalind needs to blow him as he pours gasoline on the floor.

Pic: Wenn.com

You don’t have to look much farther than Marky Mark’s Wikipedia page to know that he did some vile shit before he hooked up with the Funky Bunch and stripped down to his underwear. Mahky Mahk attacked two Vietnamese men on the same day in Boston when he was 16. He ended up being charged with assault and served 45 days. Two years ago, Mark tried to get a pardon for those heinous acts he committed. He must have been too busy teaching Donnie Wahlberg how to flip the Wahlburgers properly, because he forgot about that pardon. And now it’s been dropped.

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