Goopy Paltrow Had To Shave Her Goop Fur Off To Wear This Dress

Suck on a ginger candy and get yourself a tall glass of soda water and a plate of saltines, because the heaves are a comin’.

Goopy Paltrow tells Ellen, in an episode airing today, that she obviously couldn’t wear panties under the dress she wore to the Iron Man 3 premiere in Hollywood, so she had to do a little last-minute goop grooming. Goopy wants us to believe that dress was her only dress option (eye roll #1) and that she had no choice but to wear it (eye roll #2) and so her people had to find a razor to shave her goop fur off with (eye roll #3 + the heaves). Here’s Goopy and Ellen’s conversation about her wild crotch forest (via UsWeekly):

Goop: I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. I don’t think I can tell this story on TV!

Ellen: Well, now you’ve told it.

Goop: Well, let’s just say that everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day.

Ellen: I really have some questions now. You certainly don’t take care of yourself. I mean, it was just the side of your leg. What is going on with you?

Goop: I work a 70s vibe, you know?

I’m with Ellen. Why would Goop need to shave the overgrown shrub on her Apple maker when she was just showing off her ass? Couldn’t she just put her pubes into a low messy bun and call it a day? Is this Goopy’s way of telling us that she has ass hair? Bitch had to shave her ass! I have heard that butt fur is a sign of true royalty. I mean, Queen Elizabeth has to take a Flowbee to her ass.

But seriously, Goopy is such a luxurious creature that she’s got one of those Rumpelstiltscrotches and spins strands of gold from her coochie area. So I’m sure that once her slaves shaved all of the golden pube fur off of her crotch, they melted it down and made dozens of solid gold clip-on labia rings that you can soon buy on GOOP for $50,000 each.

And if you haven’t heaved enough, here’s Goopy rapping and singing a few lyrics of a Beyonce song.

Goopy Is A “Bad Mutha” When She Raps While Cooking

“Ew, can you believe they don’t have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn’t realize we were in the ghetto, girl,” is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy’s flagship workout studio and Goopy’s blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.

Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy’s workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn’t show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can’t cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.

“He can’t have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.”

And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won’t say shit, because we’ll know what they’ve been through. We’ll know.

So I Guess Oprah’s A Baby Wipes User

In this promo picture for Lee Daniels’ The Butler, Terrence Howard isn’t only sniffing through the cigarette smoke to see if the beautiful scent of a freshly baby wiped ass if wafting off of Oprah, but he’s also thinking about how he wants to titty fuck her with his nose. While doing an interview with Movie Fanatic (via TMZ) for his new movie Dead Man Down, Terrence was asked what it was like working with The Mighty O on The Butler. You can practically hear Terrence’s tip get moist (sounds like this) when he creams on and on about how he got to suffocate his face on Oprah’s chichis. The inspiration for Morris Day’s character in Purple Rain lubed up Oprah’s 9″ dick of an ego with these words of praise for her beauty:

“Oprah and I had such chemistry. To be able to make out with Oprah and to have love scenes with her and those tig ol’ bitties. I mean, she’s such a lovely and voluptuous woman. She’s very, very beautiful and that was wonderful.”

Strangely enough, that’s exactly what Gayle King says when people ask her what it’s like being Oprah’s best friend.

Strangely STRANGELY enough, that’s almost exactly what Oprah says when people ask her what it was like interviewing Beyonce.

Every time Terrence speaks, I feel like I have to take a baby wipe to my brain and now I feel like I have to take a whole box to my brain after thinking about Terrence slobbering all over Oprah’s chichis. Oh, Terrence, you creepy, horny fuck, you.

Mimi Documented Her Valentine’s Night Date With Nick Cannon On Twitter

If you stare at Jill E. Beans‘ “fuck my life right in the ass” face and then walk away from this post, you will have seen everything you need to see from Mimi’s romantic Valentine’s Night.

Besides Hallmark and some pre-school teachers, nobody loves holidays harder than Mimi does and Valentine’s Day is no exception. Mimi shared pictures from her VD night with all her Twitter followers and that shit is almost as ridiculous as her episode of Cribs. Mimi started off by tweeting a picture of her and Nick Cannon kissing in front of the Empire State Building, and I’m sure it took 30 takes, 7 kissing choreographers and 4 lighting designers to get that picture right. It almost looks like they’re trying to pass a giant Cheerio to each other with their mouths.

Then Mimi slipped into a bath full of Hello Kitty bubbles and luxuriated for hours. I like how the camera captured the exact moment when she was able to push a butterfly burp (aka a fart) out of her butt. I’m totally disappointed that she wasn’t wearing a towel in the tub. Then Mimi and Nick broke into Central Park and got a carriage ride from a horse who was probably wondering why one of his relatives’ tails was stuck on top of Mimi’s head. Mimi stopped sharing right there, because the pictures of Nick Cannon jacking himself off while sitting on a unicorn horn dildo as she sings her greatest hits in the corner are sacred to her.

And there’s not many things that are more romantic than making your assistant take pictures of you and your husband on a date so they can post them on Twitter.

Brandi Glanville Reupholstered Her Vagina With Eddie Cibrian’s Money

Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald’s last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet ‘n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.

Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn’t. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie’s credit card:

“I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.

I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, ‘What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?’I responded simply, ‘Yes. A nose job.’ And I hung up.”

Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi’s Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi’s vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the “after” pictures and say, “I want that pussy on my body!” Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor’s malnourished twin sister.

And Here’s Kourtney Kartrashian Squirting Titty Leche Onto Kim’s Body

So now after reading that headline, you’re not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you’re lactose intolerant too.

On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami,  Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she’s been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it’s helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim’s leg. Kim starts screaming “EWW! EWWW!,” which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would’ve never been famous if it wasn’t for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.

Then Kim says to Kourtney, “That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out.” I say that every time Kim squeezes a “thought” out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati’s golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.

And here’s Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.