It was recently revealed that Stephen Ross, owner of Equinox and SoulCycle, is hosting an expensive fundraiser for Donald Trump. Many Equinox and SoulCycle members declared they were officially done with both gyms. But where do fans of overpriced fitness go now? Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer friend, Tracy Anderson, is more than happy to take all those high-end fitness dollars.
Goop held a wellness summit in London and it turned that people didn’t like how steamed their vaginas got and so they complained about the price of admission, accusing Gwyneth Paltrow of being an “extortionist.” Gwyneth’s longtime friend/trainer/torture master/fellow charlatan Tracy Anderson defended the event and complained that if people are going to call out snake oil salesman then it could shut down the whole snake oil industry. SO RUDE!
Goopy Paltrow has been bumping her freshly steamed organiqué oystéré against Glee and American Horror Story co-creator, Brad Falchuk, since August 2014 and she’s apparently ready to make him her second husband. The inside of Brad’s body must look like a scene out of AHS right now. The thought of being legally tied to Goopy is probably making Brad’s bowels scream because they know she’ll make him do a raw goat milk cleanse every year. And Brad’s ass walls are probably shivering with fear over thinking about how Goopy is going to make him shoot mugwort steam up in there before getting an activated charcoal and cactus water enema.
In all seriously, I’m really glad to see that the flower wall from Kim and Kanye’s wedding is still getting work.
I wouldn’t have thought that Garry Marshall and the crew from his latest full-of-stars film Mother’s Day would would have enough time to throw a red carpet premiere. I figured that as soon as he croaked “That’s a wrap!” on Mother’s Day, he’d wrangle everyone back up and start working on Memorial Day or Susan B. Anthony Day or whatever his next sort-of-a-holiday holiday-themed movie is. But I guess you just can’t keep the stars (and the star-adjacent, as you’ll see below) from strutting down a red carpet, because they had one last night in Los Angeles.
As you can see, Jennifer Aniston was there with a smile on her face, despite the fact that she apparently didn’t do enough smiling and waving on her way in and got booed. I was really hoping that some of Justin Theroux’s red carpet antics would have rubbed off Jenny and she’d roll up to the premiere of Mother’s Day in a pair of elastic-waist Mom Jeans™ and an appliqué vest. But she didn’t. Instead she asked her limo driver for his jacket and wore it as a dress. Julia Roberts also walked the red carpet, but sadly she didn’t do it in that busted orange Ana Wintour wig she wore in the movie. Kate Hudson wasn’t there because she was too busy untangling herself from J. J. Watt’s wall of abs. No, she wasn’t there because she had another thing to go to.
Here’s more from the premiere of the movie that will make a million moms wish they could have snuck an extra mimosa for two from brunch into the theatre. Once you’re done slogging through all the nobodies at the beginning, you’ll get to the real stars of the night at the end. I’m of course talking about three-time Garry Marshall movie star Wedil David, all-natural beauty Kara Del Toro, and friend of Real Housewives Taylor Armstrong.
“Trust me, we’ll make a killing. I mean, who wouldn’t want to buy a $35 dehydrated lotus root cracker smeared with a tapenade of hand-mashed organic grass? My parched mouth is practically watering just thinking about it!”
Good news, everyone who loves gluten-free fat-free soy-free dairy-free moisture-free low-calorie food-style edible substances and has a fuckload of money burning a hole in their wallet: Gwyneth Paltrow has branched out into the pre-made food business! Gwyneth, along with the Marcie to her Peppermint Patty, Tracy Anderson, and their business partner Maria Baum have launched a food take-out company called 3 Green Hearts. I bet Goopy thought up that name during a meeting with her cardiologist. “You need to take it easy on the kale, Ms. Paltrow – your heart is almost 98% chlorophyll.”
Last night at the Los Angeles premiere of Mortdecai, 62-year-old sexy Cialis pill Jeff Goldblum and his 31-year-old knocked-up gymnast wife Emilie Livingston decided to give everyone in attendance an eyeful of what it looks like when an old-ass dude who can still get it gets the instant horn-horns for the girl who portions out his Lipitor into his plastic 7-day pill organizer by sucking each other’s faces on the red carpet. Normally I’m all for two horny sluts going at it in public, but watching Jeff mouth-hump on Emilie is 8 shades of NO. This looks like a daddy bird feeding a baby bird, or a Werther’s Original ad gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Thankfully, an even-messier someone was able to yank our eyes away from that mess, and that someone was Gwyneth Paltrow flashing half an organic free-range cashmere-basted boob:
Mothers, lock up your billionaire investment banker sons – Sexy Single Mommy Goopy is on the prowl! And maybe it’s because I’m a little high from the 3 bowls of French Toast Crunch I ate this morning, but those freckles of Goopy’s boopy sort of look like a happy little face, right? I can practically hear it offering me a cold glass of sparkling hand-pressed Madagascar lime leaf essence.
Here’s more of Jeff Goldblum acting like the definition of a late-in-life midlife crisis, Goopy serving up some “Mommy’s still sexy, right? RIGHT???” realness, as well as human guitar pick Johnny Depp, panty-dropping Scottish DILF Ewan McGregor, and jacked Crank Yankers puppet Tracy Anderson: