Kevin Smith went on Facebook Live to offer more details about his heart attack and it turns out the only thing scarier to Kevin than death itself, is the thought of people looking at his little dick. And since he had to get crotch shaved like John Cena to get a life-saving LAD stent put in, a whole bunch of people got a good look at his tootsie roll. And now you’ve pictured it too, and for that I’m terribly sorry.
Insert obligatory “No, but I know he’d hit me with a 2X4 and never apologize to me for it” joke here.
Future LAPD Officer Marky Mark took a little break from his I’m A Do Gooder Now national tour to get in a little family photo-op action in Barbados with his wife Rhea Durham and their kids. Marky Mark is giving you pasty buff midget prison daddy bottom. These pictures have left my fuck parts in a state of confusion. If I stare at his troll daddy body, I get a slight case of the tingles, but as soon as my eyes scroll up and see that Marky Mark’s head is attached to that body the tingles turn into the heaves. Why does that head have to be attached to that body? Butthishead!
These pictures of Marky Mark being a devoted family man and wonderful husband smells like douche fumes and PR, but I am a little surprised that he didn’t go all the way. I’m surprised he didn’t spend his Christmas in Vietnam where photographers magically caught him giving presents to children and hugging the locals. He’s probably saving that move for the week before his pardon hearing.
And in many of the photo agency pictures from Marky Mark’s vacation, his wife is doing this:
Seriously, there’s picture after picture of her showing off her ass. Oh, and she’s also popping her butt out in the pictures too.
Today, all of our thoughts about a topless Justin Bieber are best expressed through Lara Stone screaming, “don’t look down, DON’T look down,” on the inside.
The Kid Sister on HGH doll made an appearance at Fashion Rocks on CBS last night and when he sashayed out onto the stage to introduce a performance by Rita Whora with model Lara Stone, some people in the audience greeted his ass the way everyone should greet him: they slapped him down with a wave of BOOOOOOOOS. Most toddlers would bust out a silent cry before melting into a puddle of rejection if they were booed, but not the Biebs. The Biebs pulled off his blazer from Gymboree’s Miami Vice Collection and stripped down to his Calvins. Those are the weirdest diapers I’ve ever seen.
The good news for all of us is that the Biebs wore boxers briefs instead of tighty whities. I don’t think any of us were built to take in the image of Justin Bieber’s camel toe. Some people continued to throw boos at the Biebs, but some sucio bitches who should be arrested screamed and their loud screeches are still echoing through the Barclays Center this morning. Workers are cursing those nasty whores as they scrub the stickiness from the floor.
One time while waiting in line at McDonald’s (that is going to be the title of my memoirs, FYI), there was a lady a couple of people in front of me with three brats who were screaming at the top of their lungs and acting like hyenas on speed. They were running around and the mom was on the verge. The mom’s two boys started slapping each other and as she tried to break them up, her little girl started taking off all her clothes. The mom saw what was going down, screamed and covered her daughter with her body while running off to the bathroom. That’s what Lara Stone should’ve done. Lara should’ve screamed, covered Justin’s body and pulled him to the bathroom. But instead she just nervously giggled while waiting for Chris Hansen to show up.
The clip of this mess is below (click here for a clip where you can hear the boos more clearly):
Those grown man moans… I didn’t know Bryan Singer had such a deep voice!
Pics: Getty, Splash
We’re going to have to get in the way-back machine for this one, but remember a couple of years ago when Enrique Iglesias joked about having a small wiener, and not two seconds later pulled a “SIKE! Just kidding!!”? Cut to his dick at home screaming “OH HELL NAW” as it dumps all his clothes out onto the front lawn and blows up his phone with texts that say WHY R U LYING ABOUT ME!! and U ASHAMED? There’s nothing worse than a dramatic penis, am I right? Well, it appears that he and his dick have kissed and made-up, because Enrique tells Page Six he’s ready to come clean about his small peen:
Newly single after breaking up with his tennis-pro gal pal Anna Kournikova in September, Iglesias was asked how he spends his time off in Miami.
“I go skinny-dipping if there are no paparazzi around,” he revealed. When Cobo asked where he goes full-frontal, Iglesias replied: “I’m not going to tell you because it would ruin my career. There’s not a lot to show off.”
And when further asked what his “best trait and worst defect” are, the suddenly self-deprecating singer responded: “My worst defect is from my waist down. I’m sorry, no, that’s not my worst defect . . . but it is a little curved.”
A small, crooked dick? Better get out your list of potential fucks and cross Gillette and Tai off. Or better still, stop talking about how small your dick is! Nobody cares about how small, crooked, wrinkled, discolored, or hairy a peener is when it’s paying for nice dinners and vacations. So side-step all the judgemental size queens and get yourself a gold digger. A true gold digger believes it’s not the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean, but the stash of the cash.
And if that fails, then try the internet; if TLC’s Strange Sex has taught me anything, it’s that there is definitely a market for your weird mini-boomerang dick (and yes, I did do an image search for that; pray for me).
(Pic via Splash)
When Shia LaDouche signed up for Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomanic, he said that the scenes were going to be so graphic that you’d be able to see the fleas from his ass hairs jump up and down as he had missionary-style sex with his co-star. Shia insinuated that he was making fancy art house porn, but then Lars Von Trier later said that he was planning to use body doubles and special effects to make it look like the actors (including Shia, Charlotte Gainsburg, Uma Thurman, Willem Dafoe, Jamie Bell, Stellan Skarsgård, Connie Nielsen and Christian Slater) had actual sex with each other.
Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that Lars is CGI’ing the dicks and chochas of body doubles onto the actors. Lars shot the actors having fake movie sex and also shot the body doubles having real sex. He’s going to cut and paste the bottom part of the body doubles onto the bottom part of the actors. The movie’s producer explained it like this:
“We shot the actors pretending to have sex and then had the body doubles, who really did have sex, and in post we will digital-impose the two. So above the waist it will be the star and the below the waist it will be the doubles.”
Nymphomaniac was supposed to make its debut at Cannes, but because of all the work it takes to copy and paste a body double’s dick onto Shia’s crotch, they didn’t make the deadline. It will premiere on Christmas Day (Merry Christmas!) in Copenhagen.
I totally understand why Lars didn’t let Shia have actual sex. If he did, the entire movie would’ve been shut down by the health department. Since Lars is a slave to the details, I’m sure he hired exact body doubles of the actors. So I’m guessing that Shia’s body double is a mouse. I mean, we’ve all seen it in that Sigur Rós video.
If you’re throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan’s bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you’re obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.
LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she’s a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I’m glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.
I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York, got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie’s culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn’t licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo’s upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, “No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu.” I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.
You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.
And Judge Stephanie set LiLo’s next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won’t face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let’s all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.
A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.