Here’s Ansel Elgort, the dude from Fault of Stars whose name sounds like a Captcha you’d have to enter to get into the World of Warcraft forums, at the AMAs looking like a straight high school boy who was given an ambush makeover by Antoine Meriweather and Blaine Edwards. He looks like a Rockabilly bullfighter. It’s as if someone pushed him into a mom’s closet and told him to use the clothes in there to dress like a member of One Direction. That shorty blazer does remind me…
When I was 18 and 19, my friends and I would go to the same 18 and over gay night at a club every single week. We got friendly with some of the regulars and one of the regulars was this tall drink of YES who pulverized hos with his style by always wearing b-hole-hugging tight jeans and either a shorty blazer or a shorty vest with no shirt on underneath. We called him “Oh Girl,” because every time he walked in wearing a shorty blazer with no shirt on, we’d say to ourselves, “Oh, girl.” Take that white shirt away and Oh Girl would’ve worked the seams out of that outfit.
Ansel looks a mess, but I can’t blame him for smiling. It’s probably slightly satisfying knowing you can still fit into the Sears tuxedo blazer you wore to a wedding when you were 12.
Here’s more of Ansel and his moldy pants as well as One Erection dressed like hipster power lesbians at a funeral.
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
One Direction’s Zayn Malik Is Pissed At Matt Lauer For Implying That He’s Got A Drug Problem On Live TV
On Monday morning, professional smug DILF (I know, I can’t with me either) Matt Lauer sat down with the twinks of One Direction to discuss the release of their upcoming album Four on the TODAY show, and maybe they were sticking with a theme, because only four of them showed up. Zayn Malik (aka the hot one)(aka I’m ashamed I wrote that) was a no-show for their appearance and performance at Universal Studios Orlando, so naturally Matt Lauer asked where the hell he was. Liam Payne answered by explaining that Zayn had a “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip. That’s when that nosy bitch Matt started interrogating them about just how [obnoxiously sarcastic air-quotes] “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the bad shit shakes:
“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”
Once again, Liam stressed to Matt that Zayn is at home sick and there’s nothing shady going on and he’s definitely not smoking weed in the back of a van somewhere , while the rest of One Direction sat there awkwardly and looking like they’d rather be sitting through a 3-hour beard contract negotiation meeting with Taylor Swift. Well, I guess Zayn had access to a TV wherever he was recovering (Promises Manchester. NO!), because he heard Matt talking shit about him and ran off to The Sun to tell them how pissed off he is that the TODAY show would come for him like that.
Good news for those of you who woke up this morning and thought “You know, I’d really like to see a video of two famous 20-year-olds getting high in a van today”. A video has emerged of One Direction’s Zayn Malik (aka the “hot bad boy” one) and Louis Tomlinson (the internet tells me he’s the “funny one”, so I guess that makes him the Joey Fatone?) smoking weed while traveling in a van to a One Direction show in Peru on April 27th. The Daily Mail, who has the journalistic integrity of the Channel 4 News Team, describes the video as “shocking” and “exposes the dark side of the squeaky clean boy band”. However, I would describe the video as “boring” and “is literally two guys smoking weed in a van”. Oh, and also some guy talking about chicken:
“But we got a full chicken” is the new Hakuna Matata. But back to those two living My Scene dolls smoking the stickiest of icky. Seeing two dudes in their early 20s smoking weed to relax before a concert is nothing to be all Helen Lovejoy concerned about, except maybe for the fact that they keep calling it “Mary Jane” and “Mary J. Blige”, which made me cringe hard enough to fall off my chair and cringe a dent into the floor. But some One Direction fans are LOSING THEIR SHIT because DRUGS ARE BAD and OMG JUST SAY NO!
I love One Direction but this zouis smoking thing is sad. Why would they do that. It's all messed up.
— Sophieluvsyoubo (@1_dimages) May 27, 2014
I love One Direction with all my heart but come on guys weed smoking on film? I get upset when any person does a type of drug. (C)
— Age°o° (@NovaStarSC) May 28, 2014
I know you’re probably sitting there screaming “CHILL OUT, WEED ISN’T A TYPE OF DRUG!” as you lick the rim of crushed vicodin off a Theraflu and vodka, but we need to remember these are 8 and 9 year olds who still think “trying weed” leads to snorting coke out of Satan’s asshole. To put it into perspective, seeing two boy banders take a hit off a joint is as insanely devastating as if you and I watched a video of Maru the Cat inject black tar heroin directly into his paws with a dirty needle and fuck a diseased cardboard box while spouting hateful shit about Shiba Inus.
At the BRIT Awards at the O2 in London tonight, Boy George showed up with a busted face and I was going to say that he looks like he peeped at Chris Brown’s phone, but then I remembered that The Difficult Brown doesn’t punch guys. I figured that before the BRITs, Boy George’s daytime date with his Eastern European piece went a little too far and one thing led to another, which led to him getting repeatedly slapped in the face with a 12″ burrito-thick dildo and he decided to make a look out of it. It happens. Or maybe Boy George decided to get all political by making a statement about gays getting beat in Russia. But no, Boy George apparently told British Vogue that he took red lipstick to his eye to look like the “fashion victim” he is. The literary emporium of class and decorum The Daily Mail called Boy George’s busted-up make-up job “tasteless,” and that’s like the time I met my friend at a bar after a hook-up and he called me a nasty, low-class slut before finishing his Grindr chat with a dude whose username was FeedMe69.
And here’s a few more tricks and hos from the BRITs tonight. I wish I could offer you up A-list British royalty like Harvey Price, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty and Pete Burns, but unfortunately I can’t. I can only give you Jessie J looking like a bootleg She-Ra character and Lily Allen looking like Goth Rainbow Brite.
Woe is One Direction. They really had it hard last night. Harry Styles may or may not have gotten cursed out by Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms and then when they won Song of the Summer for their song “Best Song Ever” (aka Biggest Lie Ever), a tornado of boos fucked all of their ear holes. It’s unclear if they got booed because the audience didn’t think they deserved to win such an illustrious prize like a stupid Moon Man or if they got booed because the audience didn’t appreciate them stealing all of Kate Gosselin’s hairstyles of the past. But it was sweet of the one in the Joy Division shirt to make the middle one feel better by giving him a quick tug job in the press room.
After they got booed, Lady CaCa found them backstage and being the high school guidance counselor that she is, told them that they deserve all their success and she was disgusted by all the boos. And she did it while dressed like a slutty gutter mermaid. Skip to the 0:25 mark to hear CaCa’s pep talk:
Lady CaCa then told the twinks that she was going to leave, because she didn’t want to be around that kind of negative energy or whatever. So when a Little Monster tells one of her haters to die of AIDS on Twitter, she waves her finger at them by posting some eye roll-inducing open letter, but when a bunch of famous millionaires get booed at some dumb awards show, she dramatically protests against it by storming out! Bitch, please. You know she really left because she got upstaged by Miley’s legendary and embarrassing twerk-a-thon.
And I’m sure One Direction was fine. They dried their hurt tears on one hundred dollar bills, each other’s hair and groupie cooch.
While the singing band of twinks in jeggings we all know as One Erection were presenting Best Pop Video at the MTV VMAs last night, the camera cut to Taylor Swift and it looked like she was saying “shut the fuck up” to her former Easy Bake Oven sous chef and cuddle partner Harry Styles. Both MTV and HuffPo think she was telling Harry to shut the mouth that she once kissed through her hand during a game of spin the bottle in her stuffed animal room. But I studied this highly important GIF and it doesn’t look like the fuck word is coming out of her mouth hole. Side note: I do not recommend spending the first part of your Monday morning watching Taylor Swift’s mouth move over and over again, because I think she hypnotized me and now I really have the urge to make jam out of tears and the blood of my ex-boyfriends.
You know, I’m all for a trick telling any member of One Direction to “shut the fuck up,” but to me it looks like Taylor is saying, “Sorry my arm.” Let’s watch the video, because this is extremely important and none of us will be able to move on with our lives if we don’t know what Taylor said.
I’m sure the country’s most esteemed lip readers will clear their schedule and study this for hours, if not days, before telling us that she’s really saying, “John Mayer gave me herpes.” That makes the most sense. And Taylor may or may not have brought the bitchery when Harry Styles was one stage, but she brought it when she won Best Female Video for “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Taylor said:
“Thank you. Wow. I want to thank the fans because I tweeted about this a lot, I really really wanted this. I also want to thank the person that inspired this song, and he knows exactly who he is, because I got one of these!”
There she is! There’s the 8th grade bitchy mean girl we all know.
And here’s Taylor done up like a middle-aged, drunk cabaret singer from the 1930s.
Somebody please give me the number to Child Services and Animal Services in Britain, because somebody needs to report the motherfucker who did that to this child and the tortured animal on his head. And yes, I’m typing this while my own hair looks like a pile of hacked-up fur balls that was dried in an oven, teased with a broken fork and electrocuted, but we’re not talking about me here!
99% of the population in London is temporarily deaf right now, because thousands of Directioners screamed their tonsils off at the premiere of One Direction: This Is Us 3D tonight. The screams obviously scared Harry Styles’ hair, because that thing looks spooked as fuck. It looks traumatized. I don’t even know what’s going on with his hair. The top of his hair wants to be a pompadour, the back wants to be the party section of a mullet and the sides are giving me Dorothy Dandridge. It’s like three different people worked on that shit.
When you look at him from the front, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Zac Efron impersonator!” When you look at him from the back, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Billy Ray Cyrus impersonator!” And when you look at him from the side, you think to yourself, “Bless that Hasidic toddler for trying and failing to grow a pair of majestic side curls.”
And Harry might’ve looked a mess at tonight’s premiere, but at least one of his fans kept it one hundred percent sexy. Presenting…the hottest Directioner of them all!
Work that towel, girl! Just don’t tell us what you do with that towel when the lights go off and the One Direction songs come on.
Since crazy Directions will buy anything with One Direction’s name on it, the band of yodeling English and Irish twinkies are putting out a perfume called “Our Moment.” (The full title is: “It’s Our Moment So We’re Going To Make As Many Millions As We Can Before A New Group of Singing Fetuses Hatches And Takes Away Out Thunder.”) “Our Moment” could smell like the sewage system under a colonic clinic mixed with the scent a cokehead’s tonsil stones and those Directioners would still bathe in it, douche with it and gargle with it. So it makes sense that they’re putting out a bottle of stank, and to get their fans pre-creaming over its release in August, they put out a commercial.
Millions of Directions are currently numb from the waist down and flopping around on the floor and it’s all because about five seconds into the commercial, Harry Styles kisses the skinny one Zayn on the cheek. Those bitches know what they’re doing. Even though my heart doesn’t feel anything, that kiss is sort of sweet and it’s all because Harry Styles still looks like a quirky silent movie ingenue to me. And really, there’s so much twinkie homoeroticism in that commercial that it looks like a trailer for XY: THE MOVIE.
And hopefully for Harry Styles’ sake scientists discover that there’s so much acid in “Our Moment” that it can also be used to burn off tattoos you regret getting.
In “I Can’t Believe This Shit Didn’t Come From The Onion” news, a few One Direction fans have been tweeting death threats to this adorable puppy named Loki. No, Loki isn’t Harry Styles’ new girlfriend. Those crazy children are wishing death upon this innocent puppy, because Liam Payne bought him with his girlfriend Danielle Peazer. This is some Fatal Attraction shit, which is weird, since most of those crazed One Directioners weren’t even a sperm fish when Fatal Attraction came out.
Metro says that shortly after Liam Payne introduced Loki to his 9 million Twitter followers, the hate and death threats started pouring in. A few One Directioners, who obviously didn’t get enough spoonfuls of crushed Xanax in their jar of banana baby food, let Liam know that they don’t like him raising a puppy with Danielle Peazer, because it means he’ll have less time to tweet with them. Here’s some death threat tweets to a puppy that’ll make you feel really hopeful about our future:
And a couple more:
“I am outraged and appalled fucking Loki the dog! That dog ain’t nothing but the scum on my shoe”
“Let’s kill him! Gun? Knife?”
You know you need to set the parental controls on your child’s laptop to MAXIMUM when they tweet death threats at a puppy for stealing their man. They’re going to start tweeting death threats to every spoon Liam uses, because he’s sticking his tongue on it instead of them.
To paraphrase a quote from prolific philosopher Taylor Swift: There’s a special place in hell for people who wish death upon a puppy….and that special place in hell doesn’t have WiFi or cell phone service. You’re all grounded!