All the One Direction guys are all off doing their own thing now. Zayn Malik was the first to jump ship and release an album. Eventually the rest started releasing music that will definitely show up on a BuzzFeed list in 2028 called “14 boy banders who tried to go solo.” Liam Payne, the one who made a baby with Cheryl, released his debut song as a solo artist called Strip That Down. So of course he was asked about the other solo music being released by the other members of 1D.
Former One Direction member Liam Payne twinked a fetus into former Girls Aloud member Cheryl (tn: Cheryl Ann Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini) nine months ago, and now that future British pop icon has emerged from the birth canal.
Liam announced on Instagram that Cheryl uncrossed her legs and gave the world a whole slew of upcoming OK! and HELLO! magazine articles on Wednesday of this week. One Direction fans who wanted Liam’s seed for their own wombs (and have also had to deal with another 1D-er spawning fairly recently) must already be suggesting baby names on social media. Although, I’m not sure “CherylColeIsEvilAndImLiamsOneAndOnly” is something you find in a baby naming book.
That one direction? IT WAS TOWARDS JAIL. As reported yesterday, level 2 One Direction member Louis Tomlinson was arrested at LAX for reportedly assaulting a paparazzi photographer. We’ve got more on that little incident, plus new details on what Louis’ girlfriend Eleanor Calder was up to while he was trying to place the pap in a figure-four.
How do you Taser several million screaming teen-bordering-on-early-20s-aged girls surrounding a police precinct with torches while threatening to flood the block with their outraged tears? That’s a lot of Tasering. One Direction member Louis Tomlinson (not the one who left, not the blonde impish and not the more popular one with the hair) allegedly yanked a photographer to the ground by his legs at LAX last night.
Lower-tier One Direction member Louis Tomlinson is currently brawling with ex-girlfriend Briana Jungwirth over custody of their 5-month-old son Freddie Reign. He’s filed for joint custody. TMZ sez that Louis is now willing to avoid painful legal proceedings if Briana would keep his name out of her various social media accounts’ mouths. He also wants pre-approval of any picture of Freddie that she wants to post (probably with the hashtag #ATMBaby).
Briana’s response to this was basically “it’s my kid, and I’ll post a picture of him and every single dirty diaper he creates if I damn well feel like it.” She also reportedly noted that she’s never talked shit about Louis online so he should just calm his boy bander tits. Or something to that effect. I’m way hungover and paraphrasing is my bestie today.
Louis supposedly thinks that his current girlfriend Danielle Campbell is making his ex’s teeth gnash with jealousy hence the withholding of child. Briana has countered with her feeling that Danielle is just a psycho One Direction stan and she’s nervous because new girl knows where her ass lives and has the security code to her gated home. My feeling is that I need to get knocked up by a pop star so I can have him buy a house for me that has cool shit like a gate and security codes and probably a water feature in back. Why can’t I have ovaries?
As luck would have it, I’m once again the goddamned Pied Piper of baby stories. Usually it’s about someone pushing one out, but today I get to tell you all about some baby mess. No, I won’t be talking about barf and the shits, as much as I’d like to. We’re talking custody! And, well, kind of babies fighting for custody of a baby, because Louis Tomlinson and his babymama Briana Jungwirth are basically still chirruns. (Note from Allison: Louis is actually 24 years old, to which I say: “Whaaaat?“).
TMZ is saying that shit is about to get all kinds of legal for these two and their baby, Freddie Reign. Louis has reportedly had it up to here (the here is the top of the playpen, the highest point he can reach wid his widdle hand) with Briana denying him access to Freddie. Source types are saying Briana has been “inconsistent” with letting Louis spend time with Freddie, despite him dropping $15k into her bank account every month and getting her and the baby a house in Calabasas.