Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.
A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!
Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.”
Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.
He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.
Please note the quotes. I couldn’t even find this gal on Model Mayhem! And have you seen some of the “models” on there? More like mugshots. Martina Olsson, 17, claims she also allegedly assisted former One Direction member Zayn Malik in cheating on his fiancee. That’s her with Zayn on the right.
This bonus mess also allegedly began at the Seduction nightclub in Thailand. That’s the same club where he was photographed with his other sidepiece, Lauren Richardson. Well, the joint IS called Seduction. Maybe they should rename it Cheat. Or Broken Engagement.
Olssen claims she was picked out of the crowd by a security guy and taken to a VIP area to party with the band on the evening of March 16.
Later, while partying at One Direction’s villa, Olssen claims Zayn invited her to shower with him and things got wetter.
“Straight away when we were in the bathroom he started kissing me. He picked me up and said, “I want you now,” and carried me to the bed,” she said in a assuredly breathless tone as she stared hungrily at the check The Sun cut her.
Zayn is a young dude, and must have a young dude’s stamina. The next night, Olsen claims he got with the Richardson jump-off and then did her again later on. Hope errybody’s on PrEP.
I almost hesitate to use these girls’ real names because tweens are scary. Did you read about those Slenderman kids? Maniacal tweens don’t play. Martina and Lauren better watch their asses, and avoid Seduction and any other similarly named nightclub where boy band people troll for DTF groupies.
Speaking of real, someone needs to sit him down and have a real conversation about that tragic spider flex headband that begin with the words “Bitch, NO.”
In an attempt to temporarily distract the weeping 10-year-olds from flooding the Earth with their salty sad tears, Zayn Malik gave his first interview since quitting One Direction to The Sun (via Billboard) to explain why he threw all his styling cream in a cardboard box and left. According to Zayn, Zayn wanted to leave One Direction because he was tired of putting on a phony smile every time he stepped on stage and he just wanted to be a normal dude for once:
“I did try to do something that I wasn’t happy doing for a while, for the sake of maybe other’s people’s happiness. And that was mainly the fans. I only ever tried to do it for the fans. I’m only upset [because] I feel like I may have let them down in some sort of way. That’s the main thing that I don’t want to happen. It’s not that I’ve turned my back on them or anything. It’s just that I can’t do that anymore because it’s not real to me.”
“He told everyone in the band and management that he wants to live a normal life and the next thing you know he’s going into music studios and doing interviews with tabloids,” a source close to the band tells People. “Everyone feels a bit misled and thinks he was lying about wanting to live a normal life.”
I’m no Miss Cleo (I wish), but I do not predict this will turn out well. Someone needs to warn him that not every boy bander will have a solo career as illustrious as former boy bander JC Chasez. Yes I said JC Chasez. I’m sorry, but do you see Justin Timberlake landing top-shelf video talent like Tara Reid? I didn’t think so. Zayn, there’s no guarantee you’ll be anywhere near as successful; JC Chasez is the exception, not the rule!
But first, someone needs to warn him about the current state of his hair:
Zayn, just because you quit One Direction doesn’t mean you also have to quit whatever the opposite of this is.
It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.
Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.
So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).
Yup, that heart tattoo above his Ken Doll crotch is now a broken heart tattoo.
After leaving the One Direction tour due to the stress caused by all the rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend by passing his peen to another in Thailand, Zayn Malik (whose name I can type without checking Google and yes, that worries me) has decided to leave the cushy position of getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing songs in front of billions of screaming, crazy girls who would be devoted to him even if he murdered a village of kittens. Zayn is just not about that life. Zayn, One Direction and Simon Cowell left these messages on Facebook.
After five incredible years Zayn Malik has decided to leave One
Direction. Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis will continue as a four-piece and look forward to the forthcoming concerts of their world tour and
recording their fifth album, due to be released later this year.
Zayn says: “My life with One Direction has been more than I could ever have imagined. But, after five years, I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band. I’d like to apologise to the fans if I’ve let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight. I know I have four friends for life in Louis, Liam, Harry and Niall. I know they will continue to be the best band in the world.”
One Direction say: “We’re really sad to see Zayn go, but we totally respect his decision and send him all our love for the future. The past five years have been beyond amazing, we’ve gone through so much together, so we will always be friends. The four of us will now continue. We’re looking forward to recording the new album and seeing all the fans on the next stage of the world tour.”
Simon Cowell says: “I would like to say thank you to Zayn for everything he has done for One Direction. Since I first met Zayn in 2010, I have grown very, very fond – and immensely proud – of him. I have seen him grow in confidence and I am truly sorry to see him leave. As for One Direction, fans can rest assured that Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis are hugely excited about the future of the band.”
Zayn Malik IS the Ginger Spice of One Direction. I know you can’t read this since your eyeballs are currently swimming in a sea of sad tears made by you, but if you want a quick injection of happiness, re-read Simon Cowell’s statement and picture his juicy nipples saying it.
Well, it’s been a good run, Internet. We’ve had fun making fun of fame whores and bonded over videos of cats doing nothing, but it’s look like our time has come to an end. We can survive a lot of things, but there’s no way Twitter timelines and the Internet as a whole will survive being drowned by the trillions of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs spilling out of the Directioners. The world will never be the same again. I’d pour out a tub of hair molding clay for Zayn, but that shit doesn’t pour out! Now I’ll leave you to make a “Where I Was When I Heard The News That Zayn Left 1D” video for you to watch in 2025 on the 10th anniversary of this tragic event.
Do they make chewable, fruit-flavored Valium? Because the Directioners are going to need some after the traumatizing and melodramatic week they’ve had.
Last week, every Directioner’s toddler life was turned upside down when Zayn Malik, the Sad Spice of the group who always looks like someone just sharted in his last jar of pomade while choking his puppy, left One Direction’s world tour due to “stress” after pictures of him holding hands with a trick who wasn’t his girlfriend came out. Preschool and kindergarten playgrounds were empty and quiet, because what kid wants to play and laugh when their religion is falling apart? Well, now, every preschooler is going to call in a mental health day tomorrow, because their life has been turned upside down again.
Louis Tomlinson (Who I guess is the Joey McIntyre of 1d, but then again, aren’t they all the Joey McIntyre of 1D?) and his piece of 4 years Eleanor Calder are done. Louis is approximately 4 years old, so they started dating while they were both newborns. Louis’ spokeswhore tells People that they ended it 2 weeks ago. Louis’ rep confirmed the break up today, because The Sun published a picture of him “snogging” (read: touching tongues) with some other trick at a pool party in Thailand a little over a week ago. A source tell People that Louis and Eleanor dumped their relationship in a shallow grave because they were always in different places:
“Louis is really upset about it all. They tried really hard to make it work but it was just impossible, he’s away for nine months a year and they just grew apart.”
First, Zayn and now THIS? You would think that 20-something millionaire pop stars who are drowning in offers of ass would stay true to their pieces forever and ever? What is happening in the world?
And I guess now that Louis’ contract with that Eleanor chick has expired, LARRY is free to live!
I don’t know if Louis’ makeup artiste went heavy with the rouge or if that’s just a skid mark of pure joy that appears on his cheeks when he touches the other half of Larry?
Here’s Ansel Elgort, the dude from Fault of Stars whose name sounds like a Captcha you’d have to enter to get into the World of Warcraft forums, at the AMAs looking like a straight high school boy who was given an ambush makeover by Antoine Meriweather and Blaine Edwards. He looks like a Rockabilly bullfighter. It’s as if someone pushed him into a mom’s closet and told him to use the clothes in there to dress like a member of One Direction. That shorty blazer does remind me…
When I was 18 and 19, my friends and I would go to the same 18 and over gay night at a club every single week. We got friendly with some of the regulars and one of the regulars was this tall drink of YES who pulverized hos with his style by always wearing b-hole-hugging tight jeans and either a shorty blazer or a shorty vest with no shirt on underneath. We called him “Oh Girl,” because every time he walked in wearing a shorty blazer with no shirt on, we’d say to ourselves, “Oh, girl.” Take that white shirt away and Oh Girl would’ve worked the seams out of that outfit.
Ansel looks a mess, but I can’t blame him for smiling. It’s probably slightly satisfying knowing you can still fit into the Sears tuxedo blazer you wore to a wedding when you were 12.
Here’s more of Ansel and his moldy pants as well as One Erection dressed like hipster power lesbians at a funeral.
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
One Direction’s Zayn Malik Is Pissed At Matt Lauer For Implying That He’s Got A Drug Problem On Live TV
On Monday morning, professional smug DILF (I know, I can’t with me either) Matt Lauer sat down with the twinks of One Direction to discuss the release of their upcoming album Four on the TODAY show, and maybe they were sticking with a theme, because only four of them showed up. Zayn Malik (aka the hot one)(aka I’m ashamed I wrote that) was a no-show for their appearance and performance at Universal Studios Orlando, so naturally Matt Lauer asked where the hell he was. Liam Payne answered by explaining that Zayn had a “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip. That’s when that nosy bitch Matt started interrogating them about just how [obnoxiously sarcastic air-quotes] “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the bad shit shakes:
“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”
Once again, Liam stressed to Matt that Zayn is at home sick and there’s nothing shady going on and he’s definitely not smoking weed in the back of a van somewhere , while the rest of One Direction sat there awkwardly and looking like they’d rather be sitting through a 3-hour beard contract negotiation meeting with Taylor Swift. Well, I guess Zayn had access to a TV wherever he was recovering (Promises Manchester. NO!), because he heard Matt talking shit about him and ran off to The Sun to tell them how pissed off he is that the TODAY show would come for him like that.
Good news for those of you who woke up this morning and thought “You know, I’d really like to see a video of two famous 20-year-olds getting high in a van today”. A video has emerged of One Direction’s Zayn Malik (aka the “hot bad boy” one) and Louis Tomlinson (the internet tells me he’s the “funny one”, so I guess that makes him the Joey Fatone?) smoking weed while traveling in a van to a One Direction show in Peru on April 27th. The Daily Mail, who has the journalistic integrity of the Channel 4 News Team, describes the video as “shocking” and “exposes the dark side of the squeaky clean boy band”. However, I would describe the video as “boring” and “is literally two guys smoking weed in a van”. Oh, and also some guy talking about chicken:
“But we got a full chicken” is the new Hakuna Matata. But back to those two living My Scene dolls smoking the stickiest of icky. Seeing two dudes in their early 20s smoking weed to relax before a concert is nothing to be all Helen Lovejoy concerned about, except maybe for the fact that they keep calling it “Mary Jane” and “Mary J. Blige”, which made me cringe hard enough to fall off my chair and cringe a dent into the floor. But some One Direction fans are LOSING THEIR SHIT because DRUGS ARE BAD and OMG JUST SAY NO!
I love One Direction but this zouis smoking thing is sad. Why would they do that. It's all messed up.
— Sophieluvsyoubo (@1_dimages) May 27, 2014
I love One Direction with all my heart but come on guys weed smoking on film? I get upset when any person does a type of drug. (C)
— Age°o° (@NovaStarSC) May 28, 2014
I know you’re probably sitting there screaming “CHILL OUT, WEED ISN’T A TYPE OF DRUG!” as you lick the rim of crushed vicodin off a Theraflu and vodka, but we need to remember these are 8 and 9 year olds who still think “trying weed” leads to snorting coke out of Satan’s asshole. To put it into perspective, seeing two boy banders take a hit off a joint is as insanely devastating as if you and I watched a video of Maru the Cat inject black tar heroin directly into his paws with a dirty needle and fuck a diseased cardboard box while spouting hateful shit about Shiba Inus.