At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:
The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.
Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.
SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.
First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.
The US stocks are sucking shit stains at the bottom of the toilet, Donald Trump is still up in the polls and this morning, I only had enough coffee to make one cup. The world is ending and I blame it all on One Direction. Who knew that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would be four Pomade-covered, Topman-wearing yodeling twinks?
Last night, many of us prepared our end-of-the-world shelter (mine is a bedroom closet covered with pictures of a topless Prince Hot Ginge and filled with the necessities: a bag of the good shit, a battery-powered vaporizer, four bags of pork rinds, a 120-pack of vodka juiceboxes and flip book porn) when The Sun announced that the end is near, because One Direction is going on a break. The Sun claims that 1D will not tour their next album and once they’re done promoting it in March 2016, they’re going to go separate directions. (Side note: Blogging law states that every blogger must make that overused “separate directions” joke in any post about One Direction going on a break.) The Sun’s source says that they all want to do their own thing for a while.
Of course, this rumor caused emergency rooms to fill with hysterical, dehydrated Directioners who needed to be hooked up to IVs since they cried all the fluids in their bodies out. But a source tells UsWeekly it’s not that serious. They’re just taking a little break and Zayn Malik quitting their asses had nothing to do with why they want to press pause on 1D:
“That doesn’t mean they’re splitting up at all,” our source insists. “Even when Zayn was in the band they had been speaking about having time to focus on personal projects. They’re one of the hardest working groups around and totally deserve some time to themselves,” the source continues.
Um, the source needs to educate themselves. Exposé is the hardest working group around since they’ve been working the casino and festival circuits long before 1D were jizz fish in their daddy’s nutsack.
Those of us who lived through the devastating break-ups of NSYNC and New Kids on the Block should make an “It Gets Better” video for the Directioners. The Directioners will get through it and even if 1D’s “hiatus” turns into a full-on break-up, they’ll eventually get back together for a reunion tour when the money dries up and the mortgage is due. So in 20 years, life-long Directioners will get drunk on roh-zay and throw their chonies onto the stage during One Direction’s reunion show at their local state fair. The Directioners have that to look forward to!
So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.
It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.
Seen above with one of his One Direction bandmates (I think that one is Niall, but I’m not sure), Louis Tomlinson has shocked the world by proving that not only is he old enough to make baby batter, but he actually used that baby batter to make a fetus. Those pop yodeling toddlers grow up so fast!
The Directioners are still numb and on edge from the pretty-faced one leaving the group and now they have to deal with Louis putting a fetus in a body that doesn’t belong to them. One Direction’s management must secretly own stock in the company that makes Valium, because the Directioners are probably shoveling that shit into their mouths to deal with all the madness. People EXCLUSIVELY tells us that 23-year-old Louis and his 23-year-old L.A.-based stylist “friend” Briana Jungwirth are having a baby together. They dated for a little while, but they’re not together anymore. A source says they’re very, very close. So close that he busted a fetus-making nut into her.
“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”
The source says that the first One Direction baby is coming next year. Louis, who broke up with his girlfriend Eleanor Calder in March, plans to buy a house in L.A. so he can be close to his kid. If you’re wondering with this Briana chick looks like, here you go:
— People magazine (@people) July 14, 2015
Of course some of the Directioners (see: People’s comments) are already calling her a scheming gold digging harlot whore who obviously tricked Louis into knocking her up. A rep for One Direction hasn’t commented about this yet and probably because they’re too busy consoling a confused Louis who keeps saying, “But I thought babies came from the stork,” over and over again.
And I guess this means it’s the end of Larry Stylinson. Unless…Briana is merely Larry’s surrogate and Larry is more alive than ever. Yeah, that’s it!
For those of you who are reaching for your glasses and wondering who hired Robert Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson to operate the cameras for the Billboard Music Awards, don’t worry – it’s not you. The above image is blurry because current film technology isn’t advanced enough to catch the ninja-like speed of Chrissy Teigen’s dress as it attempted to take out the poor woman walking behind her. Forget Taylor Swift and her gangly gang of suburban road warriors; Chrissy’s dress was the real deadly assassin at the BBMAs.
As Chrissy was walking to the stage with her co-host Ludacris, some woman tried to cut across behind her, but I guess she caught the back of Chrissy’s dress and instead of her ass landing in her seat, it landed on the floor. Unfortunately, Chrissy didn’t have time to be the wind beneath that lady’s wings and lift her ass off the ground, so she kept walking. Does anyone have an extra sweater? It just got COLD!
But Chrissy Teigen would like you to know she’s not a icy-hearted ho who enjoys watching clumsy tricks struggle all over the floor. According to Chrissy, Chrissy didn’t know there was a Code BOOM happening behind her.
If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.
Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.
A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!
Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.”
Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.
He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.
Please note the quotes. I couldn’t even find this gal on Model Mayhem! And have you seen some of the “models” on there? More like mugshots. Martina Olsson, 17, claims she also allegedly assisted former One Direction member Zayn Malik in cheating on his fiancee. That’s her with Zayn on the right.
This bonus mess also allegedly began at the Seduction nightclub in Thailand. That’s the same club where he was photographed with his other sidepiece, Lauren Richardson. Well, the joint IS called Seduction. Maybe they should rename it Cheat. Or Broken Engagement.
Olssen claims she was picked out of the crowd by a security guy and taken to a VIP area to party with the band on the evening of March 16.
Later, while partying at One Direction’s villa, Olssen claims Zayn invited her to shower with him and things got wetter.
“Straight away when we were in the bathroom he started kissing me. He picked me up and said, “I want you now,” and carried me to the bed,” she said in a assuredly breathless tone as she stared hungrily at the check The Sun cut her.
Zayn is a young dude, and must have a young dude’s stamina. The next night, Olsen claims he got with the Richardson jump-off and then did her again later on. Hope errybody’s on PrEP.
I almost hesitate to use these girls’ real names because tweens are scary. Did you read about those Slenderman kids? Maniacal tweens don’t play. Martina and Lauren better watch their asses, and avoid Seduction and any other similarly named nightclub where boy band people troll for DTF groupies.
Speaking of real, someone needs to sit him down and have a real conversation about that tragic spider flex headband that begin with the words “Bitch, NO.”
In an attempt to temporarily distract the weeping 10-year-olds from flooding the Earth with their salty sad tears, Zayn Malik gave his first interview since quitting One Direction to The Sun (via Billboard) to explain why he threw all his styling cream in a cardboard box and left. According to Zayn, Zayn wanted to leave One Direction because he was tired of putting on a phony smile every time he stepped on stage and he just wanted to be a normal dude for once:
“I did try to do something that I wasn’t happy doing for a while, for the sake of maybe other’s people’s happiness. And that was mainly the fans. I only ever tried to do it for the fans. I’m only upset [because] I feel like I may have let them down in some sort of way. That’s the main thing that I don’t want to happen. It’s not that I’ve turned my back on them or anything. It’s just that I can’t do that anymore because it’s not real to me.”
“He told everyone in the band and management that he wants to live a normal life and the next thing you know he’s going into music studios and doing interviews with tabloids,” a source close to the band tells People. “Everyone feels a bit misled and thinks he was lying about wanting to live a normal life.”
I’m no Miss Cleo (I wish), but I do not predict this will turn out well. Someone needs to warn him that not every boy bander will have a solo career as illustrious as former boy bander JC Chasez. Yes I said JC Chasez. I’m sorry, but do you see Justin Timberlake landing top-shelf video talent like Tara Reid? I didn’t think so. Zayn, there’s no guarantee you’ll be anywhere near as successful; JC Chasez is the exception, not the rule!
But first, someone needs to warn him about the current state of his hair:
Zayn, just because you quit One Direction doesn’t mean you also have to quit whatever the opposite of this is.
It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.
Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.
So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).