Category: One Direction

Louis Tomlinson Would Like His Baby Mama To Quiet Down

July 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Lower-tier One Direction member Louis Tomlinson is currently brawling with ex-girlfriend Briana Jungwirth over custody of their 5-month-old son Freddie Reign. He’s filed for joint custody. TMZ sez that Louis is now willing to avoid painful legal proceedings if Briana would keep his name out of her various social media accounts’ mouths. He also wants pre-approval of any picture of Freddie that she wants to post (probably with the hashtag #ATMBaby).

Briana’s response to this was basically “it’s my kid, and I’ll post a picture of him and every single dirty diaper he creates if I damn well feel like it.” She also reportedly noted that she’s never talked shit about Louis online so he should just calm his boy bander tits. Or something to that effect. I’m way hungover and paraphrasing is my bestie today.

Louis supposedly thinks that his current girlfriend Danielle Campbell is making his ex’s teeth gnash with jealousy hence the withholding of child. Briana has countered with her feeling that Danielle is just a psycho One Direction stan and she’s nervous because new girl knows where her ass lives and has the security code to her gated home. My feeling is that I need to get knocked up by a pop star so I can have him buy a house for me that has cool shit like a gate and security codes and probably a water feature in back. Why can’t I have ovaries?


Louis Tomlinson Wants 50/50 Custody Of His Baby

June 30, 2016 / Posted by:

As luck would have it, I’m once again the goddamned Pied Piper of baby stories. Usually it’s about someone pushing one out, but today I get to tell you all about some baby mess. No, I won’t be talking about barf and the shits, as much as I’d like to. We’re talking custody! And, well, kind of babies fighting for custody of a baby, because Louis Tomlinson and his babymama Briana Jungwirth are basically still chirruns. (Note from Allison: Louis is actually 24 years old, to which I say: “Whaaaat?“).

TMZ is saying that shit is about to get all kinds of legal for these two and their baby, Freddie Reign. Louis has reportedly had it up to here (the here is the top of the playpen, the highest point he can reach wid his widdle hand) with Briana denying him access to Freddie. Source types are saying Briana has been “inconsistent” with letting Louis spend time with Freddie, despite him dropping $15k into her bank account every month and getting her and the baby a house in Calabasas.

The Year Is 2016 And I’ve Written A Post About Kenny Chesney Being The Second Biggest Money-Maker In Music 

May 6, 2016 / Posted by:

It feels like I haven’t written about Kenny Chesney since the Renee Zellweger days when their 6-minute-long marriage ended in “fraud” and he blamed it on his “box” being too full at the time and not being able to handle all of the attention from the media. I don’t know if Kenny’s box is still full, but I do know that his bank accounts are overflowing with dollars the same way your panties are overflowing with twatty leche from looking at that picture of him in that hot sleeveless T.

Zayn Malik May Have Permanently Tattooed An Ad For His Album Onto His Face

March 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Ah! The joys of being young and dumb. At no other time do we approach just about everything with such reckless abandon… Zayn Malik. And his new face tattoo. Face. Tattoo.

Zayn posted the above picture on his Instagram and has sent shockwaves, SHOCKWAVES, through the internet. Countless toddler devotees have reportedly been throwing themselves out windows, slitting their wrists and upending their toy boxes in shock and rage. I can understand their outrage. If my favorite got a crappy drawing of a parrot possibly taking a dump on some flowers (That’s what I see because I love shit and toilet jokes.) with its butt blocked out by a scroll plugging his new album I’d be pretty mad too.

Yes, apparently “M.O.M” stands for “Mind of Mine“, the name of his new album. Zayn captioned the pic with, “Like I Would,” which is the name of his new song. Some people are taking that to mean this is a joke, or rather… a stunt! UsWeekly pointed out some comments and tweets in response to this possible Crayola disaster, such as “Please let that be a drawing! Not a real tattoo!”, “Zayn’s tattoo better be fake or I’m unstanning” and “Why your beautiful face?? @zaynmalik WHYYY???? DONT RUIN IT”.

He has over 40 tattoos, most of them questionable, so this very well could be real. If Harry Styles can get that Silence of the Lambs looking chest tattoo, what’s to stop Zayn from this mess? Whatever the case, my feelings about him, this tattoo and One Direction in general can all be summed up by the best comment on the picture – “EWEWWWWWW!!! OMG WHY!

Pic: Instagram

Cheryl Tweedy Rebounds With Liam Payne From One Direction

February 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Although spring is a little ways off, love is in the air! Can’t you feel it? Though your toes are numb, your face frozen and you’re hungover – you read DListed, I know you’re hungover, I don’t need my Detective LaToya brand magnifying glass or fingerprint dusting kit to figure that out, my dear Mr. Watson – you can feel the warmth of true love floating through the air and between the empty boxes of wine. Who do we have to thank for this blast of joy? Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini and Liam Payne!

Louis Tomlinson And His Baby Mother Are Fighting Over Money

February 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Louis Tomlinson, the OshKosh B’gosh Luke Perry of One Direction, and his baby mother, Briana Jungwirth, have been fighting over $$$$$ ever since she gave birth to their son, Freddie Reign, a month ago. The Sun claimed that Louis and Briana worked out a child support agreement and that it was decided that he’ll drop $14,000 into her checking account every month for the next 18 years. But TMZ says that it ain’t so, and they’re still tussling over child support money. Briana wants more of it and Louis wants to pay her less. Tale as old as gold digger time….

Rebel Wilson’s Life Threatened By Children

February 21, 2016 / Posted by:

I believe in really loving the things you love. Going all the way for something you’re a fan of, you know? I also love things that make me seethe with rage because it means it’s gotten a response for me. But I have zero patience for the mess that is pre-teen, tween, teen, whatever the hell they’re called messiness when it comes to their rabid delusions. No, dear, you’re not married to that pop star and he hasn’t seen your latest declaration of love on his Instagram. Go outside! Play with a stick! Look at the birds!

Rebel Wilson said on Friday’s episode of Ellen (via E!) that after she was on the show in November with One Direction, she felt the full wrath of their toddler fans. On the show, she did a little bit where she super-fanned out, wearing a sweatshirt with them all over it and getting a little physical with Harry Styles. Well, that didn’t go down well with the 7-12 demographic.

“Basically, I got accused of sexually assaulting Harry Styles. These little girls, I think they’re about 12, very, very unhappy with that. Basically we’re just like two professional entertainers having a good time and he really enjoyed it, like…and I told him that on Twitter and then they just sent me more death threats. They get very, um, like they love them and they think they’re going to be with them and I’m like, ‘Well, but you guys never, like, are with them.'”

The child armies behind today’s Tiger Beat hos is the stuff of nightmares. Mindless little creatures who live off of Instagram, Go-Gurt and Silly Bandz. My question in all of this is where are the parents? WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?! If I found out my little one was sending death threats to grown ass people on TV and in movies because they joked around with someone I’d take their phone away quicker than they could say “I‘M GONNA KILL MYSELF AND RUN AWAY!” Childhood is for playground pettiness, but let’s keep it in the playground, ok?

Pic: Warner Bros.

Louis Tomlinson’s Newborn Son Made His Instagram Debut

January 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Louis Tomlinson of One Direction tweeted and Instagrammed a picture of his brand new baby son yesterday, and as I scrolled through the comments, it didn’t take me long to get to one from a Directioner who refuses to believe that child is real and is not some publicity stunt to distract us from the 100% fact that he’s full-time fucking his true soulmate Harry Styles. They see you, Louis!

seriously? it’s manip. stop please.

There’s obviously no man nipple in that picture, so they’re accusing that pic of being a Photoshop Awards contender. They really got their magnifying glasses out and can clearly see that tiny newborn is a stock photo baby. I bet B.o.B left that comment. He’s a flat Earth truther AND a baby Tomlinson truther.

But really, there was a rumor that Louis and his one-time casual piece Briana Jungwirth named their son Sydney Rain, which made us all think that they really want their kid to grow up to be a headliner at the Spearmint Rhino in Downtown L.A., because that’s a primetime stripper name if I ever heard one. But they didn’t name their son Sydney Rain. They named him Freddie Reign. I guess the reign of famous messes naming their kid Reign has officially started. But I don’t totally hate the name and only because Freddie Reign sounds like the name of the lead singer of a Queen cover band. And here’s another OBVIOUSLY Photoshopped picture of Baby Freddie Reign.

1/21/16. Freddie Reign. Love of my life💙

A photo posted by Briana Jungwirth (@brianaashleyjungwirth) on


It Pays To Get Knocked Up By A Dude From One Direction

January 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Briana Jungwirth gave birth to Louis Tomlinson’s first kid last week and I’m sure right after she popped that baby out, her pussy made a ka-ching sound. Because she knew she was about to get paid.

TMZ says that Briana and her newborn son are living in a 3 bedroom house in Kardashian Land (aka Calabasas, CA). The Sun says that the rent on Briana’s new house is around $6,000 a month and Louis is paying for it. TMZ’s source says that Briana’s isn’t using her baby as an ATM and wants Louis’ help with bills but isn’t going to be greedy. The source also claims that they haven’t worked out a child support agreement yet. But The Sun’s source says that they’ve already worked out a child support agreement and Louis has agreed to pay Briana around $14,000 a month for the next 18 years. The Sun’s source spilled this out:

“Louis is doing everything he can to provide for mother and baby. He’s very wealthy but is still being hugely generous in the amount he is giving. He’s taking being a dad very seriously.”

The source also claims that Brianna’s gold digger family doesn’t think that’s enough and wants Louis to pay $50,000 a month. The Sun is also going with the rumor that Briana and Louis named their son “Sydney Rain,” which sounds like a cross between a local news weatherman from the late 80s and the name of Sydney Andrews’ body wash.

No matter how much money Briana is getting, she needs to get that 18 years of child support in one large payment. Because if One Direction is the new NSYNC, that means Louis is the new JC Chasez (or is he the new Chris Kirkpatrick? I don’t really know since I don’t have my bachelors degree in 1D). If Louis is the new JC, that means in 10 years he’ll be doing Dancing with the Has-Beens and the county fair circuit. So Briana needs to #getthatlumpsumbitch.


Louis Tomlinson From One Direction Is A Daddy Now

January 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Last year, all of our ears nearly exploded from hearing the high-pitched screeches coming from a million Directioners who melted down after hearing the news that one of  Louis Tomlinson’s jizz fishes successfully knocked up his one-time piece Briana Jungwirth. They didn’t want to believe that Louis busted a raw nut up into that gold digging hussy whore’s vagine. But he did and now that baby is here.

A source close to Briana (aka the publicist that Briana probably hired after a 1D dude put a baby in her) tells People that she gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles yesterday. Even though the two aren’t a thing, 24-year-old Louis is reportedly going to move to L.A. to be closer to his brand new kid. The source spilled this out:

“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”

The crazed Directioners who believe that Louis and Harry Styles are the real love affair of our time probably ditched kindergarten today because they’re going to get to the bottom of this. They’re not going to put down their Playskool brand magnifying glasses until they find concrete proof that Briana is a surrogate and Harry and Louis are going to raise THEIR baby on a goat farm in the Netherlands somewhere. I hope that Louis really makes the tiny heads of Directioners pop off by naming his son Harry Jr.

Pic: Splash


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