Page Six is reporting that Dakota Johnson might be getting all up on The Hammaconda. Dakota and Jon Hamm were spotted slurping down wine last week at a hotel bar in NYC after he hosted the Brooklyn Black Tie Ball.
Everyone involved in this story sounds like an asshole. Also, ever since I read the frat hazing story about Jon Hamm, I’ve been over Don Draper and his giant schlong. (Unlike Michael K., I’m a butt man.) According to court documents, Jon was the ringleader of some University Of Texas frat brahs that allegedly set a pledge on fire, dragged him around by a claw hammer under his junk, and paddled him hard enough to do kidney damage and FRACTURE HIS SPINE. Dude sounds like the torture porn version of a Revenge of the Nerds villain. Jeesh, just keep it slightly homoerotic and spank the kid a little, brahs. Where was I? Oh, right.
One of the things that has been said about Ben Affleck’s new lady Lindsay Shookus is that she didn’t get with Ben because she wanted a taste of that sweet famous girlfriend life. Sure, that’s one of the perks of dating Ben Affleck, but that’s reportedly not what sold Lindsay on the relationship. According to Page Six, the reason Lindsay isn’t feeling weird about dating a famous actor is because this might not be her first time at that rodeo.
John Travolta’s wig tamers better Super Glue, Gorilla Glue, and cement glue his hair to his head, because Kevin Spacey is trying to snatch that shit and take the crown. Nobody can beat John Travolta’s flawless man wig game, but Kevin is giving him a run for his lace front.
At today’s London premiere of Baby Driver (and, I’m still fucking pissed it’s not a Latarian Milton biopic), Kevin Spacey worked that rug on his head and he didn’t even care that the hawks flying above were seconds away from swooping in after mistaking it for a squirrel in distress. Kevin also worked it for the cameras even though his makeup person did him wrong by not blending his face paint all the way. Kevin didn’t only wear the best hair at the Baby Driver premiere, he also wore the best ensemble.
Kevin’s co-stars (Jon Hamm, Ansel Elgort, Jamie Foxx, Lily James and Eiza Gonzalez) all wore stuffy outfits from the House of Boring, while Kevin went full mid-life crisis daddy chic. It looks like his twink friends (or the new Ken dolls) took him to Macy’s and gave him a totally hip and fresh makeover. That IS the look. And I bet that at the after-party for Baby Driver, Kevin went up to Ansel and Lily at the bar and said, “Issa ’bout to be savage ay eff tonight, sis!”
Jon Hamm did an interview with InStyle for their newest issue and he was asked about being single after breaking up with Jennifer Westfeldt, his partner of 15 years, in 2015. As The Hammaconda swiped through Tinder, its owner said this about the single life:
“It’s hard. It’s hard to be single after being together for a long time. It’s really hard. It sucks.”
Jon Hamm may be trying to fix that, because Page Six says that at an event for his new movie Baby Driver (which sadly isn’t a Latarian Milton biopic), Kate Beckinsale was magnet and he was steeeeeeeel.
It feels like every other day there’s a GQ Men of the Year Awards somewhere and I wonder if the world would continue to spin if GQ suddenly stopped giving dumb awards to famous men. Probably not, so they should keep on, keep on and they did in Sydney today.
Australia has many homegrown dudes that GQ could’ve honored, like Roger the Buff Kangaroo, but they imported a few pieces of American dude meat instead. They brought in Jon Hamm, Chris Evans and Scott Eastwood, who wore sunglasses on the red carpet, because he wanted to remind us that he’s got boiling hot used douche water running through his veins.
I’ll take Jon Hamm in any form, but he sometimes looks uncomfortable in a tuxedo. It’s as if you made Fred Flintstone wear tight pants and a suffocating shirt instead of the usual loose-fitting animal-print shift dress he always wears. The Hammaconda on the other hand… It’s always been a refined gentlepeen and I’m sure that underneath those pants, it’s wearing a monocle, a bow tie, a top hat and is delicately sipping on a flute full of champagne. The Hammaconda should stay in Australia to teach etiquette and manners to those Melbourne Cup messes. Jon Hamm can still come back to the U.S. Yes, the Hammaconda can stretch that far.
And here’s more pictures from the GQ Men of the Year Awards including some of Jai Courtney and ex-rapper, alleged celebrity and living Mannequin Challenge Iggy Azalea.