The live-action Beauty and the Beast (aka the upcoming movie that we at Dlisted have written about approximately 3,499 times) is finally coming out next week, and to further promote that mess (because it really needs more promoting), Disney has released the video for Ariana Grande Latte and John Legend’s karaoke version of the title song. You know, instead of clutching their bibles over something innocent and normal like a gay character, the crazy Christian conservatives should really be losing it over the strange dark-sided satanic ritual dance that happens in this video. If my feet didn’t catch on fire as soon as I stepped into a church, I’d run into one to dunk my head in holy water after seeing this scary video.
The video stars off with the anti-donut demon summoning fiery evilness out of a mirror while wearing what looks like a giant bloody shower puff. Ariana then walks into a ballroom and a chorus of over-used, raggedy maxi-pads dance around her and cover her. It’s supposed to look like a big rose, but instead, it looks like the humongous blood clot that falls out of your ear when you listen to a version of Beauty and the Beast that is not sung by Angela Lansbury, Celine Dion or Peabo Bryson.
Ariana joins John at the piano and as she mumble yodels, a human girl dances with the buffalo she’s trying to fuck. This shit is like a horror movie done by a film major who really wants to be the next Guillermo del Toro.
And the scariest part of that video is that Ariana isn’t wearing her hair up in her usual Charo-wannabe ponytail. I always thought that millions of evil spirits lived in Ariana’s ponytail, and now she’s set them free. We’re doomed.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
Whore herself to every app ever made? CHECK! Join dark forces with the Avengers of the Illuminati? CHECK! Do stand-up on The Tonight Show? CHECK! Siphon the soul out of a young bitch during a Satanic ritual in the desert? CHECK!
Just when I thought that Madge had pulled every STUNT QUEEN stunt imaginable to sell copies of her album, she reached deep and pulled out another one that nobody (including Wheelchair Jimmy) wanted. Madge was the surprise guest during Drake’s set at Coachella last night and before she left the stage to find another young star’s soul to eat, she wrapped her mouth around his and got his life. Suck that soul out, Madge! The whole moment was very “Next time on Extreme Cougar Wives…” If Wheelchair Jimmy was in on it and this is his way of trying to get Amanda Bynes to finally, once and for all, stop bothering him about leaving a chalk outline around her vagina, it worked. Because not only did Drake’s insides dry up, but so did Amanda Bynes’ thirst for Drake.
If you haven’t yet stretched your cringe muscles while watching Madge get all Inca the Mummy Girl on Drake, here you go:
And this is the classic face Drake made after getting a taste of melted plastic, virgin’s blood, boy toy ass juices, Polident for Grillz and desperation:
Drake looks like he just sucked off Johnny Depp and wasn’t ready for all that cheese.
Madge doesn’t give any fucks (or maybe she gives TOO much fucks), so after she became a meme, she let everyone know that she isn’t bothered feeds off of their hate. Madge doesn’t care now, but she will care in a few weeks when Drake tries to hit her up for alien support money. Because when the egg that Madge implanted in Drake’s body finishes gestating, a Vaudevillian demon alien is going to rip its way out of his stomach and who the hell is going to take care of it?
As Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Kiss As Husband And Wife For The First Time, The Gates Of Hell Open Wide
If you squint real hard, you can almost make out the outline of a swarm of locusts flying toward the Gates of Hell.
Because Pimp Mama Kris and her family of hos know that they have E! to thank for helping to make them the biggest fame whores on the planet, she gave them these first pictures of her trophy ho Kim Kartrashian trying to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s divorce record by marrying her future third ex-husband Kanye West in front of a giant, gaping pussy slit in Florence. I know, it was nice of Kim to pay tribute to the sex tape that started it all. That’s supposed to be a wall of flowers, but it looks like a nasty wall of furry maggots, barnacles, anal wart pus, moldy cauliflower and foam from a rabid beast (Khloe). It’s fitting!
Kim wore an ugly kustom-made lobster bib dress designed by Kanye’s Italian spooning partner Riccardo Tisci and Kanye wore a Kanye butt plug under his Givenchy tuxedo. That dress look like the homely, dumpy stepsister of Duchess Kate’s dress and Kanye’s only smiling because his Kanye butt plug shifted while he was sashaying down the aisle and hit the right the spot. Or the photographer’s assistant knew how to get a smile out of him and held up a mirror real quick.
But the true stars of these pictures are Bruce Jenner and North West.
Bruce is making a queef face, because he knows he can work that dress way better than Kim did. And as always, North West is wondering to herself, “Harpo, who deez people?“
Kim Kardashian loosened her Spanx and pulled her head out of her own ass long enough to throw together a photo collage for her “bff” Brittny “My Mother Forgot To Buy A Vowel” Gastineau that threw Illuminati theorists on Twitter into a tizzy. Another day, another opportunity for Kim to prove that Mensa handed Ray J. her application to turn their emphatic “NO” into a piece of his patented performance art. Radar called it a “rant”, which undoubtedly resulted in a full CAPS LOCK manifesto going onto the hard drive of Kanye’s laptop titled “BITCH, I’LL SHOW YOU A RANT”.
Not into cults? Your entire family is a damn cult! The Kardashians have their own religion called The Church of Latter Day Taints and they’ve put more work on the ho hustle knocking on doors trying to get people to drink their Kool-Aid than a bus full of Jehovahs Witnesses. We’ve all turned out the porch light, closed the curtains, dove off the couch to the floor to shush the dog and waited in the damn dark to get them to take a fucking hint, yet they’re still standing there on the front stoop, ringing the doorbell as persistently as a herpes sore on a Hilton.
You’d think she’d know a little something about the “illuminate”, thanks to Kanye’s BFF status with Jay-Z. She’d better watch herself, lest the Illuminati take a break from grassy knolls and fucking up the Obamacare website to come for her ass just for being ignorant. I guess she’s too busy being a good Christian to educate herself on other matters. She’s certainly a better one than I, given I didn’t know there was a “Heffa Asses For Jesus” movement sweeping churches across the nation in the form of the über-Christian “use my ass cheeks and side boob to stick it to the haters” selfie.