Kim Kardashian Still Doesn’t Know Shit From Shinola

Kim Kardashian loosened her Spanx and pulled her head out of her own ass long enough to throw together a photo collage for her “bff” Brittny “My Mother Forgot To Buy A Vowel” Gastineau that threw Illuminati theorists on Twitter into a tizzy. Another day, another opportunity for Kim to prove that Mensa handed Ray J. her application to turn their emphatic “NO” into a piece of his patented performance art. Radar called it a “rant”, which undoubtedly resulted in a full CAPS LOCK manifesto going onto the hard drive of Kanye’s laptop titled “BITCH, I’LL SHOW YOU A RANT”.

Not into cults? Your entire family is a damn cult! The Kardashians have their own religion called The Church of Latter Day Taints and they’ve put more work on the ho hustle knocking on doors trying to get people to drink their Kool-Aid than a bus full of Jehovahs Witnesses. We’ve all turned out the porch light, closed the curtains, dove off the couch to the floor to shush the dog and waited in the damn dark to get them to take a fucking hint, yet they’re still standing there on the front stoop, ringing the doorbell as persistently as a herpes sore on a Hilton.

You’d think she’d know a little something about the “illuminate”, thanks to Kanye’s BFF status with Jay-Z. She’d better watch herself, lest the Illuminati take a break from grassy knolls and fucking up the Obamacare website to come for her ass just for being ignorant. I guess she’s too busy being a good Christian to educate herself on other matters. She’s certainly a better one than I, given I didn’t know there was a “Heffa Asses For Jesus” movement sweeping churches across the nation in the form of the über-Christian “use my ass cheeks and side boob to stick it to the haters” selfie.