It’s been all of a minute since Amber Heard and billionaire Elon Musk broke up, but farted out that “we remain close” shit that is the perpetual epilogue of a Hollywood love story. I remain close with that 20-piece chicken McNugget meal I had at McDonalds for lunch, but that doesn’t mean I’m still gonna see it around! God, I need Jenny Craig. Anyway, Amb and El apparently meant it because they both have been emo on social media about still hanging out.
Yesterday we learned the news that Elon Musk and Amber Heard had broken up after dating for just over a year. Now Elon has confirmed his breakup with Amber the old fashioned way: With an Instagram comment!
It’s time for Amber Heard to grab her purse and hat, because the gravy train just pulled into Splitsville station and the conductor needs her to get to stepping. Amber Heard and her billionaire boyfriend Elon Musk are over. The Daily Mail reports:
Heard, 31, is ‘devastated’ after tech tycoon Elon Musk ended their year-long romance. Last night a source told The Mail on Sunday: ‘It’s all over between Amber and Elon and she’s devastated. It was his decision.
Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg are publicly debating the future of Artificial Intelligence (AI). Gloomy Gus Elon thinks robots are evil and are going to pull a Dave and kill us all. Pollyanna Mark thinks that robots are our friends and can help us, like Rosie on The Jetsons.
Amber Heard and Elon Musk have finally taken their hush-hush relationship public. We know they’ve been together for almost a year now, but apparently if Elon had had his way, he and Amber would have been a couple way sooner. Ever since they met on the set of Machete Kills in 2013, Elon had been pursuing Amber like he was Wayne Campbell and she was a 64 Fender Stratocaster. But a source tells UsWeekly that Amber kept turning him down. All that woo-ing paid off, and two months after her marriage to Johnny Depp crashed and burned, she succumbed to his charms. Elon was nice enough to give her a gift when she finally agreed to go out with him:
“Elon has been pursuing Amber, but she wouldn’t go out with him for a long time. She finally gave in. He even got her a Tesla!”
Let’s not pretend like a Tesla is such a generous gift. The guy owns Tesla. That’s like the manager of a McDonald’s bragging that their girlfriend never pays for McNuggets.
To put all this in perspective. Amber got with Johnny Depp after filming The Rum Diary in 2011. They officially got divorced in January. Elon was still technically married to his second wife Talulah Riley until October of last year, so it sounds like being married isn’t exactly a road block on his quest to get laid. Amber might want to keep that in mind. The good news is she won’t be blindsided if Elon decides to cheat on her. She’ll know exactly what’s up if she sees him headed to the Tesla dealership with a giant car-sized bow under his arm.
Ever since the rumors about Amber Heard getting on Elon Musk’s billionaire dick popped up, some have been screaming, “Get money, bitch“, at her. So I’m going to choose to believe that Amber is purposefully throwing a look that says, “I am getting money, bitch,” while posing next to the kiss mark she planted on that bottomless ATM.
There’s been rumor after rumor that Amber has rebounded from the pile of dick cheese-stained scarves that is Johnny Depp with Tesla billionaire Elon Musk, but there was never photographic proof until this past weekend when they went all out. They both posted a picture on Instagram of themselves at a restaurant on the Gold Coast and they also hit the ho stroll before going ziplining. What’s really surprising is that in that picture above, Elon isn’t smugly patting himself on the back, because he’s wanted Amber for so long that you’d think he’d publicly congratulate himself for finally landing that trophy.