Elon Musk has been going through it. He was charged with securities fraud and had to step down as chairman of his Tesla, also broke up with his girlfriend, and remember he called that cave rescuer a pedo? Oh yeah, and stock prices for Tesla plummeted when he smoked weed with uber bro, Joe Rogan. All in all, he’s giving a pretty good showing if he’s trying to show us how badly he can fuck up. And the bad news keeps coming, as it’s now being reported Tesla investors are going after Elon for his “funding secured” tweet and they are looking to Grimes and Azealia Banks for all the hot tea.
Based on Elon Musk’s recent behavior, if I had to predict a side-project he’d get into, I might guess a line of zero-gravity rolling papers or a better home security system. As it turns out, Elon Musk is launching a tequila brand.
This all started six months ago when Elon celebrated April Fool’s Day by tweeting that Tesla had gone “so bankrupt.” Part of the joke was that Elon had drowned his sorrows in an obvious play on Tesla and tequila.
Elon was found passed out against a Tesla Model 3, surrounded by "Teslaquilla" bottles, the tracks of dried tears still visible on his cheeks.
This is not a forward-looking statement, because, obviously, what's the point?
Happy New Month! pic.twitter.com/YcouvFz6Y1
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 1, 2018
Tesla isn’t bankrupt yet, but the part about Teslaquila was true. TMZ says that Elon has filed legal documentation to start a Tesla-branded tequila company. According to the documents, Elon claims that Tesla will start manufacturing “distilled agave liquor” and has filed trademark applications for Teslaquila. “Teslaquila” sounds too much like a form of gut rot you get in your lower intestine from eating the worm.
Despite this all starting on April Fool’s, it’s definitely not a joke. Elon tweeted that his tequila will be coming soon and posted a mock-up of the label (above).
I know that’s not the real bottle, but it still looks cheap as hell, especially coming from a billionaire. It kind of reminds me of a kid from my high school who used to sneak booze to school in an empty Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo bottle. Despite that bottle design, tequila is a great idea for Tesla. Especially for people who work at Tesla. It’s the perfect thing to get drunk on when you’re a board member and you remember the mess you just inherited.
Much as Kristian predicted on Friday, it wasn’t a very good weekend for Elon Musk. Normally a shitty weekend for Elon might be one in which he returns from the weed shop to find Azealia Banks at his front door. This weekend in particular saw Elon losing his title as chairman of Tesla Inc., a title he’s had since 2004. Is there a strain of sativa called Bummed-Out Billionaire? Because Elon’s probably going to need about a pound of it.
It’s gonna be a rough weekend for Elon Musk. The Tesla billionaire who recently probably broke up with his android-voiced alien pop princess, Grimes, is being charged. No, not for that stuff about him calling that cave rescuer a pedophile (even though he is still getting sued for defamation as well). Elon is being charged with a more corporate-style crime: securities fraud.
People is reporting that the US Securities and Exchange Commission slapped the 47-year-old billionaire with the charges after that whole saga of Elon maybe taking Tesla private and Tweeting about a $420 stock price and some secured funding.
If you happen to see Azealia Banks circling the unemployment office, this would be why. Her recent position as the number-one source for exposing Elon Musk’s deeply cringey behavior has just been made redundant. Elon can personally take it from here.
Azealia Banks really must have nothing but time on her hands at the moment, because instead of writing music, or getting her hair did, or whatever it was that she did in her spare time before she started kicking it with Grimes, she’s still hitting Instagram hard with fresh dirt on Elon Musk. In her most recent slew of IG stories, Azealia shared more text messages between her and Grimes which suggest that Elon set the share valuation for Tesla at $420 because he’s super into weed right now. She also claims that Elon’s lawyers coerced her lawyer into confiscating her phone and deleting evidence.