Giada de Laurentiis did a 6-minute cooking segment on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman, and it was a mess filled with ball jokes, anus jokes and Nicole spitting out Giada’s focaccia into her porcelain Grinch hand. Yes, Nicole spit. Somewhere John Mayer is making a “Giada would never” joke.
Giada was on to promote the new season of Food Network Star and also to make nerves curl with the way she over-over-enunciates Italian words like she’s Rosetta Stone teaching Italian to dum-dums. Ellen and Nicole were Giada’s helpers and they made fried risotto balls and clementine and fennel focaccia. Clementine, fennel and pizza bread together sounds like a threesome from barf-inducing HELL to me. Cooking segments are always a mess, but this one was really a mess and they all played their role perfectly. Giada was the nitpicky, shrieky and obnoxious teacher. Ellen was the joker SCANDALIZING THEM ALL with her PG-13 jokes about balls and anuses. And Nicole was the shady queen who threw side-eyes and let Giada know that she’d rather tongue kiss Tom Cruise again for show than swallow that focacca.
Maybe Nicole spit out that focaccia because she’s a skinny Hollywood actress and she knows that if evil studio executives see her eating actual carbs, she’ll be passed up for roles for being a PFF (Possible Future Fatty)! But maybe Nicole spit that food out because she knows that even Giada doesn’t eat Giada’s food. So Giada can’t get mad. Nicole learned it by watching you, Giada!
If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
At the beginning of every december, Ellen DeGeneres has a thing on her show called The 12 Days of Giveaways in which she makes like Oprah and causes an audience-wide meltdown by giving away a ton of free shit. But this year, behind the scenes, Ellen has held her own personal giveaway. Except instead of 12 days, it was one day, and instead of free shit for the audience, it was a ton of shit given over the phone to Kathy Griffin.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block declared yesterday that he and his man are promised to be married. And on today’s Ellen, Ricky Martin declares that he and his Venti cup full of Syrian-born hotness of a man are promised to be married too. I hope this trend of middle-aged former boy banders getting engaged to a sexy piece of man meat continues and one of my favorite boy band pieces Devin Lima of LFO (it’s the brows) comes out as gay and a nudist and shares naked pictures of he and his man getting engaged on a nudist colony. After these couple of weeks, you owe me this, universe!
Back in February, Ellen DeGeneres did a segment on Ellen called “What’s Wrong with These Ads…And These Signs” about some LOL-worthy pictures of signs that were sent in by viewers. Right after Ellen showed a picture of a place called the Nipple Convalescent Home, she put up a picture of a home’s for sale sign featuring a real estate agent from Georgia named Titi Pierce. Which is funny, because pierced nipples. Truly some boundary-pushing comedy. However, one person wasn’t laughing, and that person was Titi Pierce herself.
Poor Ellen DeGeneres. It’s like anywhere she looks, her eyes are going to land on something gross. Look down at the monitor, giant picture of Johnny Depp in disturbing Donald Trump prosthetics. Look up, Johnny Depp in real life looking like a guy at a state fair who tries to sell you a snake at the hand washing station next to the Port-O-Potties.
It’s been a week full of impressions on Ellen! Yesterday, Kanye West gave us a spot-on impression of a person who should probably start going to weekly Deluded Narcissists Anonymous meetings, and today we have Johnny Depp doing his impression of Donald Trump while promoting Alice Through The Looking Glass on Ellen. We were first introduced to Johnny’s Donald three months ago after Funny or Die released the trailer for The Art Of The Deal, a made-for-TV movie parody based on Trump’s book of the same name. Thankfully Ellen didn’t ask Johnny to put on the wig or the saggy latex citrus skin eye bags. Mixing Donald drag with Johnny’s crusty capped nightmare teeth would have taken it from funny to terrifying.