Portia de Rossi Surprised Wife Ellen DeGeneres With A Vow Renewal Ceremony Officiated By Kris Jenner
What do you get for the couple who already have everything? That was the question that was surely dogging the minds of those who arrived at Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi’s house thinking they were going to a birthday party, when in fact, it was a surprise vow renewal ceremony officiated by Kris Jenner. Imagine showing up with a cute little birthday card and some flowers for Portia’s 50th only to find out you’re at a fucking wedding and somebody already got them Brandi Carlisle. And you know damn well that Kris keeps Kenny G on retainer, so that’s out. And there’s no way Ellen isn’t keeping track of who brought what and how much it cost even though she also thought it was just a birthday party until Portia came waltzing into the … whatever you call the room in the castle where you keep your indentured troubadour, wearing “the gorgeous Zac Posen wedding dress from the couple’s 2008 nuptials.” Yes, it still fits!
Well, actually, it’s a little loose. Now, there’s a sweet gift idea. Somebody could buy them Zac Posen to make some alterations, and he can live in the troubadour barn with Brandi when he’s done. According to People:
In a video shared to The Ellen Degeneres Show‘s YouTube channel, de Rossi walks through their home re-wearing the gorgeous Zac Posen wedding dress from the couple’s 2008 nuptials.
Their guests audibly gasp at the sight of the once-again bride, who looked out of a magazine in the pristine off-white, halter-neck bridal gown, which has an Old Hollywood feel thanks to its satin finishes and billowing tulle skirt. She wore her hair in a chic chignon.
The guests who audibly gasped included Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. So no, they don’t need any more signed copies of Spare. And yes, I know what you’re thinking. Portia and Ellen do love real estate, but they already have all of it. So that’s out too. Kris even made to sure mention of it in her … whatever it is you call it when a rich weirdo pretends to marry two other rich weirdos in a troubadour barn. “Speech” just doesn’t seem right. Demonic incantation? Yes, let’s go with that. Kris even joked about it in her demonic incantation.
The surprises didn’t stop there! Jenner, 67, then walks to the front of the room, wearing a white coat and knee-high leather boots, to make the renewal official.
“Welcome to Portia’s birthday party and to the newest home of one of my favorite couples, two of my BFs [best friends] and the record holders for the most homes ever purchased in one city,” she began.
Jenner continued: “These two were born for each other. Corey [Gamble] and I have spent so much time with them as their friends, neighbors, dance partners, cocktail buddies and late-night chat sessions.”
This just in: George W. Bush found dead! Hey, now there’s an idea. How about the recently deceased corpse of their FORMER BF, who died from abandonment and disrespect. And because presidential corpses are so very rare and hard to come by, Ellen will be thrilled! Later in the ceremony, Portia also made note of their favorite reality show starring themselves, House Hoarders International.
“I feel like we’re on a new journey,” she said, adding that after moving from home to home (24 houses in 18 years to be exact), they’re finally entering a “new chapter” in their lives.
“We’re setting down finally, planting roots and taking better care of ourselves and each other than ever before. I’m so excited about the future where we get to do whatever the hell we want for the rest of our lives.”
Spoken like a true sociopath. I guess somebody already got them sovereign immunity. At any rate, since it was a surprise and all, I’m sure Ellen and Portia will allow a generous grace period for their guests to hunt down the perfect gift. Here’s a look inside one of America’s finest* troubadour barns.
*Portia and Ellen actually own all of America’s finest troubadour barns. But I hear there is one in a Dubai penthouse that’s to die for.