Ellen DeGeneres And Portia de Rossi Bought A $70 Million Oceanfront Compound, Making Santa Barbara County Real Estate History

December 20, 2022 / Posted by:

Two quite petite blond women have significantly upgraded their living conditions with the $70 million purchase of a 9,000 square ft, 5-bedroom, 8-bath home on 3.5 acres and an additional 6.6-acre vacant lot in Carpinteria, CA, marking the “priciest residential deal in Santa Barbara County history,” according to Dirt. The women, married “entertainersEllen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, have no children and at this time, do not appear to have any plans to construct a gothic mansion on the property to house and educate orphaned children and teens with special powers. They do, however, reportedly have a lot of houseplants with special needs that weren’t being met at any of the couple’s other homes in the area, which include three “cottages” and a horse ranch in Montecito and an estate in Bel Air, presumably all with inadequate sun.

No details yet on when the plants will be moved to their new home or if Ellen’s mammoth monstera or Portia’s pet peperomia will get the “master retreat complete with a spa-equipped terrace, and dual walk-in closets and baths.” Lol, I can hear Ellen’s Devil’s Ivy right now; “Did somebody say walk-in? More like creep in, bitches! I call it!” Dirt reports:

Well, folks, looks like Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi just had to squeeze in one more real estate transaction this year. And the former talk show host and actress really ended 2022 with an epic boom, splurging on two side-by-side properties in the affluent seaside enclave of Carpinteria, marking the priciest residential deal in Santa Barbara County history.

As first reported by Siteline Santa Barbara, the couple paid just a speck under $70 million for the neighboring parcels of land, which rest atop a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. They doled out $41.7 million for a Tuscan farmhouse-style mansion on 3.4 acres, and concurrently paid another $28.2 million for the mostly vacant 6.6-acre plot of land right next door, which currently includes a small lake and vast lawns. The two separate parcels create a 10-acre, fully contiguous compound with a private pathway leading to the beach below, and were last offered together with an $80 million price tag.

DeGeneres and de Rossi’s new mansion boasts a home with five bedrooms and eight baths in just over 9,000 square feet of living space on three levels. The beige-hued and terracotta-roof structure is adorned throughout with high exposed wood-beam ceilings, hardwood floors, stone archways and marble accents. There’s also a one-bedroom, one-bath guesthouse and an attached three-car garage flanked by a cobblestone motorcourt.

That deal represents the most ever paid for a Santa Barbara-area estate, eclipsing the $63 million that billionaire Riley Bechtel and his wife Susan paid for a much larger Montecito ranch two years ago.

Here’s a look at the latest addition to Ellen and Portia’s real estate portfolio. Ellen can finally have her own bathroom; one for each of her personalities!

Sure, laugh. I get it. Why do two people need so much space, right? Well, in case you haven’t heard, California is in the middle of a drought, and Portia and Ellen appear to be taking no chances for when the revolution comes. I suspect that their new spread isn’t actually for their houseplants; it’s for their mid/post-societal collapse crops.

Laced with olive trees, the picturesque grounds host a marble mosaic pool, two spas, an outdoor kitchen, several fireside lounge areas, raised herb and vegetable gardens, and numerous spots ideal for al fresco lounging and entertaining. A private beach area atop the bluff also has a fire-pit, tiki torches, an antique row boat, and large stone dining table with a custom umbrella wired for phone and Internet access.

Now, what I’m about to tell you is not part of the official record nor have I been authorized to reveal it, but Portia and Ellen are drought-proof. As rapid desertification claims the bulk of California and it grows parched and bare as our golden hills are blackened by the hungry maw of eternal wildfire, Ellen and Portia will be buffered from the madness in a lush oasis fed by an evergreen spring of tears that runs beneath the property. No, really! That’s why Ellen has been so mean to people all these years! It’s not in her nature, but she found a way to harness the natural power of human emotion and has been collecting the tears of her victims in an underground cistern for when the center cannot hold, and things fall apart. I hear Ellen’s hiring an entire army of assistants to keep her fields fertile until the actual end of the world, or the new compound falls into the ocean, and the land is reclaimed by Gaia herself, whichever comes first. But you didn’t hear it from me, OK!? I’m not giving them a single drop of my precious bodily fluids!


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