True-to-life terminator Ronda Rousey is punching and kicking the blood and snot out of this year’s Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Issue” cover. They better have put her on the cover. No one wants a blonde death machine flinging the desks about in the editorial department.

Rousey tweeted that she was honored to share the cover with fellow bikini jockeys Ashley Graham and Hailey Clauson. The magazine has released three different covers for the annual issue this year. Collect all of them for your fapping pleasure!

In other intriguing swimsuit issue news, Sports Illustrated has discovered that beauty is not just a size zero. It might even be a size 2, according to SI Associate Managing Editor MJ Day.

“The three covers of Hailey, Ronda and Ashley celebrate the new SI Swimsuit. All three women are beautiful, sexy and strong. Beauty is not cookie cutter. Beauty is not ‘one size fits all.’ Beauty is all around us and that became especially obvious to me while shooting and editing this year’s issue.”

WRONG. The beauty standard should be emaciation with huge tits! This is America, you wrong-headed weirdos. My fupa should be chased through the streets with torches and pitchforks!

Check out Ronda, Ashley and Hailey finding out they’re sharing the cover this year below. You’ll also notice that host Nick Cannon looks like his post-Mimi marriage wilding out bender is mid-full swing.

See all of the covers in the gallery.

Pics: Sports Illustrated

Kanye West’s frantic and furious missives from yesterday and last night surely tore the Twitter bird a new asshole. Halfway through another one of his epic digital hissies, you could almost hear that beautiful social media symbol coo “FUCK THIS MESS” and wing off to the nearest barroom or marijuana dispensary.

West took on Media Takeout for not liking his *cringe* Rwandan refugee camp-inspired fashion show/listening party. He sucked Rihanna’s ego hard. He praised former mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner while posting a pic of him looking incredibly uncomfortable next to her. He Tweeted about what an interstellar genius he is. He Tweeted about what an interstellar genius he is some more. His best boyfriend Ricardo Tisci got some love for the Valentine’s Day bouquet he sent Yeezus. He proclaimed that he’s 53 million in debt. He complimented his dealer on how good the coke was that he was doing to fuel this particular Twitter marathon. I made that last one up. Nevertheless, a lot went down.

Amidst all this, his new record The Life of Pablo went up on Tidal for free. Listen for the Taylor Swift sexual availability boast, stay for the brittle egomania.

Follow the jump for the full rundown but have a stiff drink on hand. It’s a lot of feelings.

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The lover tortoises who instantly became the best part of New York Fashion Week when they got it on during a fashion show.

The biggest fuck fest to hit NYFW was Kanye West furiously fingering his ego’s b-hole at his album listening party/Yeezy season 3 presentation. But the most beautiful fuck fest happened between two tortoises at Mathieu Mirano’s presentation for his new collection on Thursday.

Page Six says that Mathieu Mirano’ show was “desert-themed” so they threw in tortoises as props. Those tortoises deserve a raise because they turned a boring fashion presentation into a hot tortoise sex show. Someone who was there tells Page Six that during the show, the big dude tortoise wooed the lady tortoise into getting their hump on in front of everyone. Those tortoises showed the people what it would look like if turtle Larry King butt humped on fellow turtle Hugh Hefner.

“A large male began pursuing a smaller female tortoise around the models, who stood still posing in the sand. One model could barely hide her giggles as the determined male followed the female past her feet, and he then proceeded to climb aboard.”

That tortoise-on-tortoise action got Mathieu Mirano some free publicity, so of course he’s not mad. He laughed at the whole thing and isn’t going to turn those tortoises’ shells into necklaces (I think).

Screw drugstore chocolates and fugly ass teddy bears holding hearts. The best way to show your piece you love them on this VD is with some good old-fashioned public fucking. These two tortoises who saved New York Fashion Week definitely know what I’m talking about.

This model is my spirit animal. Effing love her! #fashion #wildlife #ninjaturtles #fashion #mathieumirano #fashionweek2016 #ruthiedarling #funny #girl #cute #werk #keepsmiling

A video posted by Ruthie Darling (@ruthiedarling) on Feb 11, 2016 at 7:35am PST

Happy Made Up Holiday Where We All Make Corporations Richer By Buying Dumb Shit For Our Piece Day, everyone! (And yes, I know all bitter hos like me say that.)

Pic: Sly Magazine

Hugh Downs (95)
Paul Butcher (22)
Allie Grant (22)
Shane Harper (23)
Freddie Highmore (24)
Brett Dier (26)
Jake Weary (26)
Tiffany Thornton (30)
Havana Brown (31)
Matt Barr (32)
Erin Torpey (35)
Danai Gurira (38)
Rie Rasmussen (40)
Big Smo (40)
Simon Pegg (46)
Jules Asner (48)
Meg Tilly (56)
Renee Fleming (57)
James Eckhouse (61)
Pat O’Brien (68)
Teller (68)
Alan Parker (72)
Michael Bloomberg (74)
Florence Henderson (82)
Phyllis McGuire (85)

Pic: Getty

Hey, it’s my first Open Post! An Open Post virgin no longer! I can’t wait to read what ya’ll talk about today! If you’re hurting for subject matter – The Game (jesus please us, that name) put another pic of himself and his rod up on Instagram. This time it’s straining against his compression shorts and once again accompanied by an arkful of hashtags. The hashtags combine to form a lecture on how to treat your lady this Valentine’s Day. The Game’s idea of a good Valentine’s Day includes flowers, very expensive purses, and expertly applied cunnilingus. I’ll say it – The Game sounds like he and his formidable cock have got Valentine’s Day down pat!

#ValentinesDayWeekendSpecial #TimeToBreakTheInternetAgain #WhatIsHeDoingForYou #DoesHePayYourBills #ItAintTrickin #DoesHeTakeCareOfYourKids #DoesHeLickItFromTheFrontToTheBack #HasHeSlidUnderThatPussyLikeAMechanichAndTunedItUpWitHisTongue #AndHeBetNotSayValentinesDayIsForBothOfUs #ItsForWomen #NowHandleYourBusinessBeforeIDo #SheDeservesA5000DollarPurse #SheDeservesFlowersEveryday #WhatSheHasIsAReflectionOfYou #SoMakeHerLookLikeSheGotTheSameStylistAsAKardashian #EatHerPussyLikeSheMadeJesusTheLastSupper #RunHerBathsUntilTheWaterIsWarmAsAMiamiMorningInTheSpring #TreatThatWomanLikeBarackTreatsMichelle #EspeciallyIfSheTreatsYouLikeAyeshaTreatsSteph #YouHad364DaysToPrepareForSundayBihhhh #MakeThatWomanHappy #ifHeDont #SlideInTheDMAndWeGoneFigureItOut #MeatPrintPapiHasSpoken #DropsMic

Hallmark released a card for V-Day this year that mentioned “eating her pussy like she made the Last Supper,” didn’t they? If it’s not in the religious cards section, then it’s definitely under “Shoexbox.”

For those of you who would like to see “MeatPrintPapi’s” meatprint, the NSFW version is after the cut.

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Everyone who you’re not and never will be was at the Adele show in LA last night. Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and John Mayer were among the crowd screaming like the final girl in a horror movie when Adele went “Hello…”.

Here’s some slightly blurry and sort of far-away shots of the various celebrities entering and/or exiting the theater. Let’s see, there’s Katy Perry’s ass arriving. As you will note in those particular shots, I type that literally. Later on, you get to see her and Orlando Bloom exiting out of the VIP fire escape. Katy’s coat is giving me an uncomfortable feeling because it bears an eerie resemblance to my apricot-colored teacup poodle. For serious, his fur is the exact shade and consistency as that piece of apparel. He’s still here and not skinned. I checked. The last thing I need is some pop skeeve with breasts that shoot non-lactate substances breaking into my home and de-furring my dog.

There’s Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone exiting the side door as well. Joy seems to be trying to assist Ms. Stone in navigating those stairs. Drunks! But who doesn’t get shittoed at concerts? It should be noted that someone at the Wiltern obviously hates celebs. Making tricks who can afford the really quality booze and drugs exit down a really high staircase post-concert is asking for ambulances. I’m not judging!

According to TMZ, John Mayer was in attendance with a new lucky lady who’s hopefully had all of her shots. I hope there was some weirdness between him and Katy and Legolas. Legolas is the kind of douche who will slap at another douche so perhaps their celebrity skyboxes got crossed somehow and there was friction.

In lower-tier famous news, David Foster and Gayle King (see below) were on the premises. Wait, are they dating? Does that Lyme-disease claimin’ Yolanda Foster chick know that her ex is stepping out with Oprah’s lady? Shit, does Oprah know? Gayle better proceed with caution. Or the next president she’ll be interviewing will be at the Career Center because O will consign her to the curb.

Check out more pics of Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, David Foster, and Gayle King in the gallery.

Pics: Splash