Arnold Schwarzenegger Breaks Ass While Skiing, Needs Surgery

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Okay okay, he didn’t break his ass but that sounds so much funnier than saying he broke his femur. The femur is close to the ass anyway, so I wasn’t that far off. So…Arnold “The Governer” Schwarzenegger broke his femur while skiing with his family in Idaho over the weekend. He has returned to California and they will operate today to fix that problem.

His spokeswhore said, “I have spoken to the governor several times since the skiing accident occurred and he is very comfortable.”

Arnold is expected to go on crutches for the next 8 weeks. I’m more surprised that Arnold actually gets on skis. That’s like seeing an obese bear trying to hold his balance on a 1-inch piece of ribbon suspended 25-feet from the ground while holding a delicious pot of honey on his head. No wonder stupid ass broke his ass!

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You Know You Want This

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Simon Cowell spent his Christmas holiday giving his pasty mantits some tanning in Barbados. He was joined by the hotness that is Michael Winner. Hmm…what wouldn’t I give to be the pastrami and cheese in that hunk sandwich!

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Call the Kids Inside, Las Vegas!

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Jacko is in town! Michael Jackson has already landed in the beautiful city of Las Vegas and purchased this beat down Spanish style home. Jacko is in town to work out a deal to perform a sitdown show at one of the casinos ala Celine Dion style. Jacko arrived with his kids on Saturday via private jet and immediately went to his new home.

He spent Christmas causing a riot at the Caesar forum shops. His 3 security guards couldn’t control the crowd and Miss Jackson bolted after 15-minutes of shopping.

Las Vegas dealmaker Jack Wishna is apparently working with Jacko to bring something to Vegas next year. He said, “We are working on several projects. Michael is one of the greatest entertainers in the world. He is poised to return to the top of the entertainment world soon.”

He should just save Caesar’s some money and take over Celine’s show as is. I mean he has the wigs and the figure. He can sort of sing like her. His legs would look much better in her gowns anyway.

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Denture Mouth

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Kate Bosworth is a fug mess. That’s basically all I have to say. She’s like what, 23? She looks like she’s out shopping for a perfect retirement community. Honestly, if you told me that this woman was 75, I’d believe you. Her mouth looks like it’s missing its dentures. Her getup totally says retarded granny.

That being said, she’s perfection.

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