Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb

Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.

"I believe that any violation of privacy is nothing good."~Lech Walesa. I would like to thank all the fucking media for invading our privacy

— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) July 24, 2014

Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.

My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.

Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.

The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.

And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!

Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!

Pics: Wenn.com

Kit From Crossroads Is Pregnant

When Zoe Saldana showed up to the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere wearing a giant sanitary belt over her front of her dress, most people figured it was because:

A) Her stylist was trying to get fired.

Or

B) She was trying to distract our eyes from noticing that a fetus had moved into her womb.

But the second she turned to the side, all that crafty trompe l’oeil masking tape trickery was useless, and it was pretty obvious she had a case of the babies. Us Weekly says that Zoe Saldana, star of TWO of the greatest dramatic films since the invention of celluloid, Crossroads and Center Stage, is pregnant with her first child. An insider claims that Zoe is three months pregnant, but will only announce it when she’s ready. Until then, I look forward to more awkward attempts at disguising her fetus pouch.

This will be the first baby for Zoe and her husband, Italian artist Marco Perego, and the source claims they’re both super excited. Personally, I’m excited to see if their baby pops out with a full head of luscious butter-colored Fabio hair like its father. I mean, obviously it will, since a luxurious shoulder-length male model mane is hereditary (#science).

So congrats to Zoe and her hot Italian husband Marco Polo! And to baby Saldana-Perego: you might want to schedule a Silkwood shower and a hep shot immediately after you exit your mom, because there’s a chance you were conceived between two train cars on the New York City subway.

Zoe Saldana Wore Some Kind Of Backwards White Thong To The Premiere Of “Guardians Of The Galaxy”

Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.

But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).

Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Moment When The Heat From All The Lights Started To Melt Nicole Kidman’s Face

Behold, my new favorite beauty portrait of Nicole Kidman. She looks like a delicate and natural winter flower softly blowing in the ice cold breezes. Dr. Ernest Menville does impeccable work.

The Cannes Film Festival opened tonight with the cinematic crusty turd that will get Oscar-winning Nicole Kidman her second Razzie! Tonight’s opening night gala thing brought out the likes of Blake NotSoLively, Audrey Tautou and Jane Fonda who all gave face to the photographers, strolled into the theater and then ran out the back door, because there’s no way they’re going to sit through that mess of a movie. But even though Grace of Monaco is supposedly an embarrassment, Nicole Kidman still showed up looking like her face just came out of a grocer’s freezer. With that side ponytail, that ice face and that blue dress, bitch looks like she’s about to break out into that “Let It Go” song. But Nicole looks way more frozen than that Princess Elsa chick.

Luckily for Nicole Kidman, she didn’t have to go inside the theater and watch her crap movie again. As soon as the epitome of hotness that is Jane Fonda strolled onto the red carpet, Nicole Kidman melted into a puddle of cold water. She’s currently being rebuilt by ice sculptures.

Pics: Wenn.com

Well, That’s One Way To Get Hepatitis

Zoe Saldana, one-time beard of Bradley Cooper, the blue chick from Avatar, and most importantly, Kit from Crossroads, was on the SiriusXM radio show Sway in the Morning (which sounds like it should be hosted by Delilah and ONLY Delilah) to promote Rosemary’s Unwanted Remake and confessed to the nastiest place she’s had sex. And when I say nasty, I mean N-A-S-T-Y-aren’t-you-at-the-clinic-right-now-getting-a-million-tetanus-shots?

Zoe says that she’s had sex in a plane (then again, who hasn’t) and that the craziest place she’s gotten her rocks off has been on the New York City subway, which doesn’t sound so crazy if you’ve ever ridden the subway in a large city (raise your hand if you have to use your toes to count the number of times you’ve seen two crust punks tenderly dry humping under a trash bag). But it’s where on the train she got her fuck on that makes you truly question Zoe’s sanity:

“Okay this is ghetto, but hey I’m from Queens so whatever. There is a train from Coney Island [New York] all the way back into the city, and it was between two train cars. It was super ghetto. But I’m a lady now.”

You’ve got to be hornier than a teenage squirrel at squirrel prom to agree to fuck between the cars on a train. Forget the fact that it’s New York and that just breathing the air in some places will give you HPV of the lungs (mostly the area surrounding Lindsay Lohan’s apartment). I’m actually more concerned that she pressed her parts against all those filthy gears and grimy doors. You know when they do those swab tests on Dr. Oz that shows there’s more fecal bacteria on your cellphone than inside of a dog’s mouth or butthole or whatever? Now imagine what they’d find if they swabbed the area between two train cars. Spoiler alert! Rat feces. They’d find tons of rat feces.

I’m guessing she didn’t get her Coney Island fuck-on with Bradley Cooper (he’s too much of a lady), but by the looks of her fancy hobo husband Marco Perego and that scraggly filthy-looking hair nest, something tells me he’d be cool with it.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

This Is Really Happening: Here’s Zoe Saldana In NBC’s Rosemary’s Baby Mini-Series

Entertainment Weekly (via CS) published the first pictures of Zoe Saldana and Patrick J. Adams in the four-hour mini-series that a bunch of head bitches at NBC thought would be a good idea to make after they did the molly a janitor found in Al Roker’s dressing room. This Rosemary’s Baby goes down in Paris, but everything else is the same as far as we know. You know, dramatic ass Rosemary moves into a new apartment with her fame whore husband. Bitch gets knocked up, strange shit starts to happen, her friend dies, she finds out that her nosy neighbors are members of a Satanic cult and she thinks they want to sacrifice her baby. She births out the demon child and finds out he’s the antichrist. If you replaced the name “Rosemary” with “Patti” and replaced “Paris” with “a town in Canada,” you’d basically have the events leading up to Justin Bieber’s life.

Yes, I’m glad that JLo’s “Enough” wig is getting work again, but it doesn’t look like Zoe Saldana is really committing. A real thespian who is devoted to their craft would’ve cut their hair for real! They wouldn’t have worn one of John Travolta’s old ones and called it good. If Daniel Day-Lewis played Rosemary, he would’ve taken two years off before filming to lose half his body weight, get gender reassignment surgery and find a way to get knocked up by the seed of Satan so he could spend 9 months shuffling back and forth in a dark apartment while wearing a flimsy nightgown. That’s commitment!

With all that being said, I’d hit it. Well, look at her crotch in those sweats. She’s obviously hung like her last name’s Hamm.