It’s Official! The View Will Be Donald Trump’s Favorite Show Once Again!

TMZ says that Rosie O’Donnell has officially signed on to The View and next season she will check back into the crazy coop of insane pecking hens. ABC wants Rosie back, because they think she’ll rise The View out of the wet shit puddle of stupidity that Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd left. Rosie wants to go back to The View, because she misses making Donald Trump cream out of his b-hole with her opinion and she also needs the check so she can keep doing Lucifer’s work (read: buying more CROCs).

TMZ says that Rosie and ABC were negotiating for a few days and they finally shook hands on the deal yesterday. They’re supposed to make an announcement any second. So far Whoopi and Rosie are the only hos sitting at the table next season. The producers are looking for two more and they want a Latina (CAST CHARO!) and a conservative (CAST JAN CROUCH!).

I don’t know about this, Rosie on The View just isn’t going to be the same without that human version of a hyena’s shrill-cry Elisabeth Hasselcrack. Who is Rosie going to make cry? I hope they at least put a stuffed Hasselcrack doll next to Rosie so she can gnaw on its face and yell at it when she gets the rage.

And I’m sensing a theme….

Whoopi had a talk show in the 90s and Rosie O had a talk show in the 90s… I really hope the producers makes all my 90s dreams come true by filing The View with an all-star cast of lady hosts from 90s talk shows next season. Jenny Jones and Rolonda better crawl out from whatever rock they’ve been living under and call their agents (if they still have one of those)!

Everybody But Whoopi Got Fired From The View

ABC has finally come to the realization that the cast of The View has the cumulative IQ of a half-digested ass corn and nobody wants to see a bunch of twat bubbles talk about current events (“I do, which is why I’m reading Dlisted right now” – you “Good point” – me). TMZ and TVLine say that there was a pink slip party at ABC today and Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy both got one (as expected), and longtime executive producer Bill Geddie is next. Since Barbara Walters has retired and is spending her days with her true love, her vibrator, Whoopi Goldberg is the only hysterical hen left in the pen and I hope it stays that way, because I’d really love it if next season was nothing but a stoned Whoopi defending all the assholes while dressed like a butch lesbian pilgrim.

2014 hasn’t been Sherri’s year. Her marriage died like her one working brain cell when she thinks about evolution, she’s fighting her husband for custody of their unborn baby and now trick is out of a job. Sherri confirmed to Deadline that The View has lost its resident science expert.

“It’s been seven wonderful years on The View and after careful consideration it is time for me to move on. I am extremely grateful to Barbara Walters and Bill Gedde for giving me the opportunity. I look forward to the business opportunities that lay ahead for me and I am incredibly grateful to my View family and my fans for supporting me on this journey.”

A source (aka Sherri) tells UsWeekly that the producers were trying to get Sherri to stay, but they couldn’t come to an agreement about money. Yeah, Sherri probably wanted 1 trillion dollars and ABC wanted to pay her a half-penny a day since that’s what her thoughts are worth.

Jenny hasn’t shat up a statement yet, but I’m sure she’ll say that it was her decision to leave The View, because she wants to spend more time fucking Donnie Wahlberg, hanging out with her ex-autistic son and she wants to devote more time to her real passion: bringing up the number on JennyMcCarthyBodyCount.com by telling everyone to stay away from vaccines.

TMZ says that ABC is thinking of adding dudes to the table next season and they’re talking to Ross Matthews and Jesse Palmer from the fifth season of The Bachelor. In other words, the executives at ABC pass around a crack pipe during their meetings about casting decisions for The View. Why doesn’t ABC just cast Grumpy Cat, Maru, Lil Bub and Boo and film them sniffing each other’s asses for an hour? I’d DVR it.

UPDATE: Jenny twatted that she’s following Sherri out the exit door.

Whoopi Goldberg Says Justin Bieber’s Use Of The N-Word Is Ok Because It’s Not A Slur In Canada

Canada is a wacky, upside-down country. They have two types of money. They apologize for everything. You can walk into a hospital without your wallet and leave with a new kidney of your choosing. Despite this, you don’t need a US-to-Canadian translation book when traveling north of the border. All the words are the same. Stop means Stop. Drunk means Drunk. Go Fuck Youself is still Go Fuck Yourself (an “eh?” may be added if you want to sound local).

However, Whoopi Goldberg explained on The View Monday that we shouldn’t get mad at the stinky training pants skid-mark Justin Bieber for gleefully belting out “One Less Lonely Nigger” because the American n-word isn’t the same as the Canadian n-word:

“You know, Canadian words — I’m going to say the word so get ready to beat me. Nigger doesn’t mean anything in Canada. And how do I know this? Well, I did a movie last year, in Canada, and a young, wonderful Canadian woman wrote it, and I’m reading it and I’m thinking, ‘We wouldn’t say anything like this.’ So I went to the director and I said, what is this? And he said, oh, she lives here. And I said so she doesn’t know anything, she doesn’t get what we’re talking about.”

“What I’m saying is that, when you are 15 and you’re someplace where that’s not a word that you have associated with people of colour…they weren’t calling them that.”

As a Canadian person who was born in Canada and speaks fluent Canadian (I can watch Trailer Park Boys without the subtitles on), Whoopi is all sorts of wrong on the n-word not being a slur in Canada. It’s still a slur, and a major one at that. Hell, just typing “the n-word” has got me feeling all kinds of gross. So unless Justin Bieber was singing in some weird sub-dialect of Stratford where the n-word is considered a term of endearment, Justin Bieber knew he was being an offensive shithead.

And I bet Jonah Hill is trying to work Whoopi’s theory of Canadian words into his next apology: “I didn’t mean to use the word faggot in a homophobic way, I meant it in the Canadian way.”

How Many Shits Does Whoopi Give About Who Replaces Elisabeth And Joy On The View?

Answer: Not a one!

Whoopi Goldberg went to a Vanity Fair party at the Tribeca Film Festival in NYC last night and UsWeekly asked her a few questions. Based on the way Whoopi was dressed, they should’ve asked her what it was like teaching a young Harry Potter. But instead they asked her who she thinks should replace Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselcrack on The View next season. Whoopi’s internal hard drive processed that question for a quick second before she opened up her empty hands to show UsWeekly how many fucks she gives.

“Let me tell you this about The View: I take a paycheck every other week. That’s all I do. I could give a shit what comes. I do my job — I have a contract. That’s where I stand. I don’t give a fuck.”

Just in case we didn’t get it the first time, the honey badger of daytime talk show hosts let us know that unless ABC pays her to care, she no care!

“I don’t care. That’s not my job. My job is to show up and be cute by 11 o’clock and get the fuck off that show by 12. And that’s what I try to do. I think it’s the only way to keep your sanity because these are not decisions that I get to make. It ain’t my show. It’s Barbara’s show.”

So all Whoopi does is show up on time, leave on time and be cute? Barbara Walters needs to bring up that last part in Whoopi’s next employee evaluation, because I’ve seen the shit she wears on TV and it definitely doesn’t fall into the cute category. But seriously, where can I get a job like Whoopi’s, because I really want to get paid to not give one shit. Oh…wait….

And here’s a knocked up Evan Rachel Wood, Sandra Bernhard and Sienna Miller at last night’s Vanity Fair party and I’m sure Whoopi doesn’t give a shit about any of them.

BREAKING (WIND) NEWS: Whoopi Farts On The View?

Some hos who really know me know that nothing takes me higher like a highly important story about butt burps, so a few emails with the subject “WHOOPI JUST FARTED ON THE VIEW” farted their way into my inbox after I watched Whoopee ALLEGEDLY let out a loud air kiss through her asshole. But I need to see receipts! Unless Whoopi’s got a mic clipped to her anus lips (very possible) or her butt boom traveled all the way to her mic, I don’t think we’d able to hear her fart that clearly. It looks to me like Whoopi was about to ask Claire Danes a question when her lips got twisted and made a BRAARRGHGHGH noise. Then Whoopi played it off like it came out of her ass. The View’s spokeswhore said that it was just joke and Whoopi only pretended it came from her. How low can Whoopi go?! Bitch is asslip-synching now? If we can’t trust Whoopi to give us an authentic fart, how can we trust her at all?

That said, that fart-like sound was way more interesting than anything that has come out of Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s mouth, so they should just play that sound every time she talks.

And if you need me, I’ll be making room on my living room shelf for all the Pulitzer Prizes I’m going to get for this post. More like Pullmyfingeritzer Prizes.

via HuffPoot

This Is What Frances McDormand Wore To The Tonys

Just when I was about to declare Christie Brinkley my personal goddess of the Tony Awards for showing up looking and posing like a Drop Dead Gorgeous extra, Frances McDormand took to the stage to accept her award for Best Actress in a Play while wearing an ensemble that is slightly dressier than the ripped sweat shorts I’m wearing right now.

If you needed fucks to get into the Tonys last night, I’m not sure Frances would’ve gotten in, because she obviously didn’t have any to give. Frances also saved reporters from asking her the stupid question “Who are you wearing?“, because the red tag on her jean jacket already gave up that information. The look of the night. This is what your high school poli sci teacher would look like if you ran into her at the car wash on the weekend. Hair that couldn’t even pick out a hairbrush from a line-up of hairbrushes.

And if wearing your mom’s favorite beach outfit to a fancy awards show wasn’t enough for me to fall in love with Frances all over again, she busted out her best mug shot poses backstage. If there isn’t such thing as a “Best Dressed of the Tonys” list, then there needs to be so Frances can sit on top of that shit where she belongs.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s Book of Mormon Appreciation Ceremony. In order: my new style icon, DanRad, Professor Whoopi McGonagall, Judith Light, Christie Brinkley, PATSY STONE!!!, Alec Baldwin with guest, Tyne Daly with her piece, Al Pacino with guest and Ellen Barkin.