ABC Says That Rosie O’Donnell Is Not Leaving The View

If TMZ is right, then in the picture above Rosie O’Donnell is gritting her teeth hard, because if she doesn’t she’ll use her munching powers to chew Whoopi’s head off.

TMZ said today that Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would go. Rosie is apparently an ingrown hair in everyone’s taint and the cast and crew would rather get butt fucked by a Spiny Anteater’s four-headed peen than work with her next season. TMZ’s “well-placed sources” say that Rosie the Terrible is mad that she’s not the captain of that ship. Sources say that Rosie signed on, because she thought she would be the “moderator” at the table instead of Whoopi. When the cameras are off, Rosie barely says a word to anyone and she always looks like she’s got a massive case of the sads.

The powers-that-be of the show doubt she’ll be back next season and won’t queef out a stream of shock if she leaves before this season is over. They’ve tried talking to her, but she’s not trying to hear them. Um, have they tried talking to her using the magic power of show tunes, because she perks up like an Australian Shepard puppy whenever she hears a show tune.

But wait! A rep at ABC denies TMZ’s story. The rep tells Buzzfeed that Rosie knew going in she wasn’t going to be the head pecking hen and she’s not leaving the show.

“This is yet another in a long line of fabricated stories. Reports of Rosie leaving are false. Whoopi is the moderator and has been since she was hired in 2007. Rosie O’Donnell knew that before she took the job.”

Ratings are down, so my guess is that ABC leaked that story to TMZ to get people to watch The View to see if Rosie loses it and goes off on those tricks. I watch The View most days and that’s the only reason why I watch. It hasn’t happened. Rosie is too behaved this time around. Whenever they talk about serious shit and Whoopi spits out something dumb, Rosie keeps her mouth shut and you can tell she’s holding back the urge to unleash her jaws of death on a trick. So if ABC really wants to bring up the ratings, they should cut off Rosie’s invisible muzzle, put on their blood splash guards and let her attack. It’s what the people (read: me and probably only me) want.

Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Got Into A Fight During A Commercial Break On The View

We’re only two weeks into the all-new The View, and already two of the hens are ready to peck each other’s eyes out. This may be a new record for ABC! Treat yourselves to lunch at In-N-Out today, you’ve earned it. According to the Daily Mail, come-to-life pair of casual pants Rosie O’Donnell and the no-fucks-left-to-give human CROC Whoopi Goldberg got into a nasty clucking match during a commercial break on The View that ended with Whoopi busting out several $2 swears.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children (oh here go hell come) during Hot Topics and they started to run out of time, so producers told Whoopi to cut her off and go to commercial. Rosie would have known the segment was running long if she too had been wearing an earpiece, but a source says Rosie O’Donnell don’t do earpieces! Whoopi threw some morning talk show shade by suggesting she start wearing an earpiece if she wants to know what’s going on. Once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and being a shade-slinging casual comfort cunt and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

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So Does This Mean We’re All Going To Hate Rosie Perez Soon?

Rosie Perez has always been my favorite Rosie because she perfectly played an exquisitely tacky gold digger in It Could Happen To You, so when I read on Deadline yesterday that she’s moving into the pecking hen coop on The View, I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll always have ‘Why don’t you just give her ALL the money?‘”

Because if The View is good at one thing, it’s good at completely ruining your favorites. Deadline reported yesterday that, as excepted, Republican strategist, political commentator and l-hoarder Nicolle Wallace (aka “the kindler, gentler, smarter and more pleasant Elisabeth Hasselcrack,” which isn’t saying much since a urethra wart is more pleasant that Hasselcrack) is joining Whoopi and Rosie O’Donnell at the round battlefield. It was rumored that the fourth spot was going to football wife October Gonzalez, but apparently ABC didn’t think she was experienced enough. So the job went to Rosie Perez and her D’s, motherfucker, D’s. Continue reading

Whoopi Goldberg Doesn’t Want To Be On The View Anymore

Apparently it’s Ass Day today at Dlisted (although, when isn’t it ass day, really? Everyday should be ass day). First Nicki Minaj releases a 5-minute long infomercial for her over-inflated bouncy castle ass, then Jessica Simpson is thinking about upgrading her butt balls to a set of DDs, and now Whoopi Goldberg apparently doesn’t want to sit her ass at The View’s Hot Topics table anymore. According to The National Enquirer, a source close to Whoopi says that even though she just signed a 4-year contract, she’s already looking for a box in which to put her things (Crocs, linen caftan shirts, the zero fucks she gives on a daily basis) and shuffle her ass out of the hen house.

“Whoopi regrets roping herself in like that and is trying to figure a way out,” said a source close to the Oscar winner. “She wants out to do other projects, and feels network honchos are holding her back.”

Another source added: “Whoopi is sick of all the drama surrounding The View.”

There’s a very obvious solution to Whoopi’s problem. You’d think that acting like an irrational ball of dramatic crazy would be enough to get you fired, but the producers of The View get off on that shit (I believe their mission statement is “The Crazier, The Better”). So how does one get fired from The View? Well, Jenny McCarthy got her ass fired for being a human snooze button, which means that – in theory – the easiest way for Whoopi to get cut is to start showing up to work drowsy on Ambien and chugging from a thermos filled with NyQuil. Two minutes in to Hot Topics, and that bitch will be asleep for the rest of the show. Besides, she already dresses like she’s ready for a nap on the couch, so it will be an easy transition.

The only downside I can see is if Whoopi is a talker. I sometimes talk in my sleep, and I say some next-level crazy shit. If Whoopi starts muttering like a sleep crazy, then she’s doomed; sleep crazy is crazier than awake crazy, and no doubt the second she starts babbling incoherent drugged-up sleep crazy, they’ll sign her ass to another 4 more years.

Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Goldberg Tag-Teamed S.E. Cupp During Her Audition For The View

The producers of The View held “chemistry tests” on the set of The Chew yesterday to find out which two women will be torn to shreds by Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi when that mess comes back in the fall. Apparently, at least 9 finalists got 15 minutes to talk (read: scream, fight and holler) with Rosie and Whoopi about current events during the Hot Topic segment that was taped in front of an audience. Everything went fine until conservative political commenter S. E. Cupp (I think I’ve worn one of those before) sat at the table and the subject of abortion came up. S.E. Cupp can now shit twice as fast, because Rosie O’Donnell chewed her a new asshole. (May that visual tuck you into your dreams tonight.)

Radar says that shit got real when Rosie, Whoopi, S.E. Cupp and another finalist Sunny Hostin were talking about the story of the Australian couple who wanted their Thai surrogate to abort one of their twins who has Down Syndrome.

“They were talking about the difficult decision families have to make. And S.E. said she thought it was ridiculous that abortion has become so easy. And Rosie and Whoopi pounced!” noted the source of what turned into a verbal melee.

“Rosie and Whoopi ganged up S.E. and just went after her. Rosie told her, ‘You’re just rattling off Republican talking points. That’s not what we need,’” recalled the source.

Rosie apparently screamed that she doesn’t want another Elisabeth Hasselcrack and kept dragging S.E. Cupp. S.E.Cupp said she was just giving her opinion, but Rosie kept on and on and asked her how old she was. The train wreck became an even bigger train wreck when Whoopi asked the audience if any of them ever had to decide whether to abort a fetus or not. That was the producer’s cue to end the segment.

TMZ says that afterward, Whoopi bitched to the producers about Barbara Walter’s old ass:

After the taping … Whoopi — in front of producers and several potential replacement hosts — said she’d been “working with a cranky 85-year-old woman who’s mad about everything for 2 years, and I need a break.”

According to Deadline, S.E. Cupp didn’t get the job. Nicolle Wallace, political commenter and the senior advisor for the McCain-Palin campaign (Sarah Paulson played her in Game Change), and October Gonzalez, wife of NFL player Tony Gonzalez, are the frontrunners and will most likely join the coop of pecking hens in the fall.

I think Deadline’s wrong. I bet S.E. Cupp gets a spot. While Rosie sunk her teeth into S.E. Cupp’s leg and Whoopi grabbed her hair and they started to tear her body apart, the producers called legal to tell them to draw up her contract and then they jacked off while thinking about all the ratings they’re going to get.

Whoopi Goldberg Pulled A Whoopi Goldberg By Defending Stephen A. Smith’s Domestic Abuse Comments On The View

I guess Whoopi Goldberg’s official title at The View is “The Devil’s Chatty Advocate”, because once again, she’s come to the defense of the not-right words falling out of some jerk’s talk-hole. Whoopi has defended Mel Gilbson’s infamous racist rant, defended Roman Polanski by inventing the word “rape-rape”, and most recently, defended human hershey squirt Justin Bieber’s use of the n-word. And now we can add Stephen A. Smith’s name to the list of people sending Whoopi an Edible Arrangement with a little note that says “xo thanks boo!”

On Monday’s episode of The View, the hens started clucking about the questionable remarks ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith made about domestic violence in response to the story of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice beating his wife in a casino and dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. Smith has since been suspended for saying that it’s never OK for a man to pull a Chris Brown on his wife, but that sometimes a lady needs to “make sure” she doesn’t “do anything to provoke wrong actions”. On Monday, Smith apologized for his comments, but Whoopi wasn’t having any of that “I sowwy” shit. Whoopi grabbed for the bottle of Shits About To Get REAL-brand vodka she keeps stashed under her chair, took two giant swigs, and defended Stephen A. Smith for speaking the TRUTH:

“If you hit somebody, you cannot be sure you are not going to get hit back!…If you make the choice as a woman who’s four foot three and you decide to hit a guy who’s six feet tall and you’re the last thing he wants to deal with that day and he hits you back, you cannot be surprised!”

I think Whoopi needs to walk her ass to the optometrist and get the prescription on her glasses checked, because if a mouth breather like Sherri Shepherd is staring at you like you’ve got dried smegma flakes for brains and noted dum-dum Jenny McCarthy is sending you “Oh here go hell come” vibes, it might be time to stop talking. And if she did see the army of shank-eyes staring back at her and choose to keep running her mouth, well then Whoopi truly does not give a fuck anymore, and I look forward to the day she shows up to tape The View wearing her neon green and purple Oscar gown while eating slices of apple off the blade of a knife like a pirate.

(via The Wrap)