Whoopi Goldberg Was High As All Hell Here

TMZ dug through the vaults of 1992 and pulled out a clip (click here to see it) of Whoopi Goldberg proclaiming her love for the good shit while doing voice-over stuff for The Pagemaster. Whoopi told the crew before Denzel Washington came out to present Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars in 1991, she was smoking a good shit joint to help numb her nerves. When her name slipped out of Denzel’s lips, the nervousness nearly blew the green cloud of her head and Whoopi didn’t know whether to chew on her dreads for a quick snack or lick the statue hoping that the metal would even her out. Whoopi GreenGoldberg put it like this:

“Smoking cigarettes and pot every now and then are my habits. And I thought, ‘I’ve got to relax.’ So I smoked this wonderful joint that was the last of my home grown.

When he said my name and I popped up, I thought, ‘Oh fuck… okay, up the stairs… around to the podium… there’s millions of people, pick up the statue, get the statue.

I know you’re not supposed to admit that you smoke pot, but I don’t drink alcohol. Just because I do it doesn’t mean you should.”

Whoopi’s mom knew what was up and could tell she was high by her “glistening eyes.”

You know how I can tell Whoopi definitely smoked a joint? Because if you skip to the 1:20 mark, you’ll see Angelica Houston throw her the same stank look my friends always throw me. That’s the “this bitch puffed more than passed” look. Angelica’s probably the one who brought the joint and Whoopi sucked it all up. While Whoopi is jumping through Funyun rings, Angelica is the epitome of sober and she is not amused.

Whoopi Goes Hard On The New York Times

This past weekend, The New York Times published an article on how there’s not one black actor nominated for an Oscar this year. They documented black winners of the past and they left out a few names including Whoopi Goldberg’s. Whoopi felt it was disrespectful and she fired at The New York Times on The View this morning. The always modest Whoopi brought her Oscar as back-up and told those not knowing hos that she was the first black actress to win an Oscar after Hattie McDaniel 50 years (she originally said 70 years) earlier. Whoopi said that even the most rare insects on Planet Earth who have never seen a human face would know who she is. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHOOPI.

Whoopi was so angry that if she had eyebrows, they would’ve caught on fire sending a piping hot cloud of smoke floating up to the sprinklers. The sprinklers would’ve went off and the water would’ve melted Elisabeth Hasselcrack immediately. This is why eyebrows are important and we should all have them.

Popeater says that The New York Times isn’t planning on apologizing, because they were focusing on the winners of the 2000s and Whoopi won in the 90s. STILL! The New York Times should issue a full page apology and print it in every single edition until the Oscars. If they don’t, Whoopi is going to continue to complain about this shit every single day. Besides, you don’t fuck with a woman who dresses like the nurse at an Amish daycare center.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

It looks like it’s a new kind of cold in Hamburg, Germany, so of course Whoopi Goldberg is going to bundle up like you when some bitch in your office turns the AC all the way up. It doesn’t totally bother me that she looks like the Harry Potter section of a mini-mall costume shop violently hugged her and refused to let go, but what is that ugly shit on her feet? It looks like an UGG throwing up a CROC, or vice versa.

It’s fitting that Whoopi’s shoelaces look like the devil’s tampon string, because those things are a gift from the underworld.

Here’s more of Whoopi and her Lucifer hooves at the opening of Sister Act in Hamburg.

Absolute Blasphemy!!!!!!

Out of all the people Elisabeth Hasselcrack could viciously violate by dressing up as for Hallowpeen, she just had to after one of the most influential icons of my childhood: Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! Where the hell is a vengeful Krystle Carrington and a fountain full of crocodiles or Moldavian terrorists when you really need them?

Whoever came up with this mess of idea wouldn’t know Alexis Carrington if she sashayed up to them, tore out one of her shoulder pads with her bare nails and used it to slap them three times in the mouth. Joan Collins is so glamorous that she wears high heels and diamonds when she pees pees, and Elisabeth Hasselcrack is about as glamorous as yogurt. (Disclaimer: I don’t know for a fact that Joan Collins actually urinates. This has never been documented as fact. It should still be considered an urban legend for now.)

Bitch looks more like a little boy country mouse dressed in Dollar Tree drag as Bernice from Designing Women. And the stick firmly shoved up Hasselcrack’s asshole made it impossible for her to do the “stealing your men, and taking over your companies” strut. HOW DREADFUL. See for yourself in the clip below:

But I can’t stay mad at The View. They did give us a deranged Barbara Walters as Rita Hayworth. Yup, Rita Hayworth. More like Jessica Rabbit’s memaw who eats bunny rabbits alive!

And no comment about Sherri “The German” Shepherd as Grace Jones.

The Heidi Montag Of DC vs. Whoopi

Michaele Salahi (Pronounced: FAME WHORE), the spotlight fucker who crashed a White House party last year, is one of The Real Housewives of DC and she went on The View yesterday to promote that shit. In addition to promoting the show, Michaele also continued to promote what a true dumbass she is.

During some stupid fight between the housewives, Whoopi Goldberg showed up from backstage, nudged Michaele and said to her, “Excuse me, can we get back to the White House, please?” After the segment finished taping, Michaele told one of the producers that Whoopi hit her ass. When this got back to Whoopi, she lifted up her pilgrim skirt and flew towards Michaele to curse her out. Whoopi admits to throwing a tornado full of fuck words at Michaele for lying about getting hit.

On The View this morning, Whoopi admitted to filling Michaele’s ears with beautiful fuck words and showed a clip of what really happened. Whoopi also says she will not crash Michaele’s front door with an “I’m So Sowwy” basket. Clip from Jezebel:

The Salahi’s lawyer Lisa Bloom tells The Daily Beast that they are still waiting for an apology from The View for calling them party crashers and saying they should be in jail. Lisa Bloom released this statement:

“I think they treated her horribly. I think they defamed her. I was really shocked by the way she was treated. It’s one thing to ask tough questions, it’s another to use defamatory language when you’ve been warned not to.”

Instead of nudging Michaele, Whoopi should’ve pulled that whole ugly chair down and cackled as that bitch crashed into the floor. The audience would’ve started shouting, “WHOOPI THAT TRICK! WHOOPI THAT TRICK!” That beautiful moment would’ve won them a dozen Emmys.

I hope Bravo has a camera on Michaele when Whoopi’s best friend Mel Gibson calls her. In a total twist that will rock Mel’s mind, Michaele will say “Okay, what’s your address?” when he tells her to blow him before the Jacuzzi.

But more importantly, is it just me or does Whoopi Goldberg sometimes remind you of a butch Antoine Merriweather from Men on Film?

“You Cowardly Pieces Of Dog Mess!”

Whoopi Goldberg’s dreads almost caught on fire and shot out of her scalp on The View this morning when she went off at the bitches who are terrorizing the receptionist at her office with hate-filled calls that only Mel Gibson would approve of. The calls are coming in, because Whoopi defended Mel on The View the other day by saying that he’s a personal friend of hers and she doesn’t think he’s a racist racist.

Whoopi said that if the bloggers and “people sitting at home trying to find stuff to do” (aka the people who watch her show) would’ve paid attention to her original rant, they would’ve heard that she never condoned his behavior. Whoopi then put on her annoying Valley Girl voice and joked that she must be a racist too, because she regularly curses out hos (example: you white bleep or you black bleep, etc…) who fuck with her.

I wish the camera would’ve panned to Hasselcrack and Sherri Shepherd at that exact moment, because they were probably beaming out of every single one of their orifices. For once they weren’t the ones wearing the “Crazy Dumb Bitch” cap.

And if Whoopi’s receptionist is tired of being called a “cunt whore bitch” by the haters, then she can forward those calls to me. I’m into it. It would be nice to hear it from someone who isn’t a bill collector…..or one of my relatives.