The Cast Of “Dancing With The Stars” Season 31 Was Announced

September 8, 2022 / Posted by:

And now for the biggest news story of the day: the new Dancing with the Stars cast members have been announced! Yesterday, TikTok girl Charli D’Amelio and her mom Heidi D’Amelio (I thought this was the one who was PR-fucking the “Yung Gravy” character, but, nope, that’s Addison Rae’s mom) went on Good Morning America to announce they were on Season 31. Then, this morning, the other fourteen cast members went on GMA to reveal themselves. They include Selma Blair, Shangela, Cheryl Ladd, Wayne Brady, Joseph Baena (aka the secret son Arnold Schwarzenegger had with his housekeeper), and Teresa Giudice. Oh shit, they booked Teresa? Quick, bolt down anything on set that can be rage-flipped!

The show has been moved from ABC to Disney+, where it will premiere LIVE on September 19. Tyra Banks will be back to host, but, this time, she’ll be joined by another member of the Banks family: Carlton Banks, whose human-actor name is Alfonso Ribeiro. Here’s the full cast:

Charli D’Amelio: the second-most-followed person on TikTok, and, if those two episodes of Netflix’s Hype House I watched are any indication, the least-charismatic 18-year-old on God’s green Earth.

Heidi D’Amelio: her mom, age 50.

Selma Blair: you know who Selma Fucking Blair is. The 50-year-old went public with her multiple sclerosis battle back in 2018. She brought her service dog, Scout, on GMA, and says participating on the show is “so powerful” to her.

Shangela: 40-year-old RuPaul’s Drag Race legend.

Wayne Brady: 50-year-old comedian/actor/host-type.

Teresa Giudice: yet another 50-year-old, star of Real Housewives of New Jersey, ex-con, and perhaps the dumbest/angriest person in the Bravo universe. She recently married the extremely shady Louie Ruelas, and claimed that, on their honeymoon, they had sex 5 times a day. Strength training!

Cheryl Ladd: 71-year-old star of Charlie’s Angels, she was cast as Farrah Fawcett’s replacement in 1977.

Daniel Durant: the star of the 2022 Oscars Best Picture winner CODA, age 32.

Jordin Sparks: 32-year-old winner of the sixth season of American Idol. I have had her craptacular song “Tattoo” in my head since 2007. I hate her for this.

Vinny Guadagnino: 34-year-old Jersey Shore guy.

Gabby Windey: the current co-Bachelorette, age 31.

Jason Lewis: 51-year-old Jason played Smith Jerrod in Sex and the City. Last year he got in trouble for shooting rice around cats in his yard.

Jessie James Decker: 34-year-old country singer. I dunno.

Trevor Donovan: 41-year-old actor, he was on the 90201 reboot.

Sam Champion: the weatherman on Good Morning America. Age 61.

Joseph Baena: Arnie’s 24-year-old son.

And here are all the contestant interviews on Good Morning America:

OK, my main question is… will Selma’s doggie Scout appear on every episode? Will he dance? Will he sleep? Will he snore? Ugh, I feel like he’s the show’s biggest get and GMA didn’t even bother interviewing him!

Pic: YouTube

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