Lena Dunham Deleted Twitter Because She Was Getting Sick Of The “Deranged Neocons”

During the red carpet portion of the Golden Globes last night (aka the part where I double-check that I have enough cans of Wine O’Clock to make it through the night), Chip and Dale’s long-lost sister Lena Dunham admitted to wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest that she would not be following the evening’s events on Twitter, because she had deleted it. Sort of a weird choice for someone who really likes to share everything with the world. But Lena explains that she did it because she was tired of people using their 140 characters to hiss rudeness at her:

“I deleted Twitter because I’m trying to create a safer space for myself emotionally. People threaten my life and tell me what a cow I am, so I decided I was going to [cut that out]. So I check it occasionally, but it’s not the same co-dependence that Twitter and I once shared. There’s a lot of people I love on Twitter, but unfortunately you can’t read those without reading deranged neocons telling you you should be buried under a pile of rocks.”

Ryan then responded “You should see what they say about me.” I’m sorry Ryan, but if you didn’t want people dragging you online, you should have never released the Hooker Kraken (the Kardashians) unto the world.

If I was getting non-stop death threats, I’d probably delete Twitter too. The only problem, Lena didn’t exactly delete it. In fact, she Tweeted a clarification shortly after to confirm that she only sort of deleted it:

That sounds like a system I could use in my own life. As someone whose tweets are riddled with spelling mistakes and really aggressive all-caps rants (“HAM SANDWACHES CAN SUCK MY ASS“), I could use a proof-tweeter. Then again, they’d probably quit after my third Tweet about Bruce Jenner. I don’t blame them.

And the only clarification tweet I really needed from Lena Dunham was the one explaining to my dumb ass what a “deranged neocon” is. Is it an evil Transformer? It’s a Transformer, right? Yeah, I should read more. Here’s more of Lena at the Golden Globes last night looking 900% less like a melting cake than she did at the Emmys, as well as the other girls from Girls.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Iggy Azalea Finally Comments On The Iggy Azalea/Azealia Banks Mess

Once again, for those of you thinking “Which one is she? The Iggy or the Azalea?“, above is American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. And the one she’s currently in a hate-hate relationship with is Azealia Banks. Don’t worry – it’s not just you; this feud is really confusing, and I’m able to tell the two apart. Not to mention that it’s making me type so many variations of the name “Azalea/Azealia” that I’ve just about worn out the Z key on my keyboard.

Anyways, last week Azalea Banks (not pictured) started focusing her patented brand of Twitter crazy on Iggy Azalea (pictured) by accusing her of profiting off of American rap culture. Iggy responded by dragging Azealia on Twitter, which prompted the hacker group Anonymous to threaten Iggy on Twitter that if she didn’t apologize to Azealia they’d release screen grabs from her hypothetical sex tape. Their Twitter account has since been suspended, but they were replaced with rapper Q-Tip, who decided to hop on Twitter and give Iggy a hip hop history lesson. Meanwhile, Twitter just bought the Costco-sized bottle of extra-strength Tylenol to deal with the massive headache it has from all this Twitter foolery.

And yesterday, Iggy responded to the haters or whatever on Twitter (“NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE!” cried Twitter, as it curled into the fetal position). And by “responded”, I mean “wrote a damn novel”.

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Jennifer Lawrence Will Never Be On Twitter And It’s All Your Fault, Internet!

Uh oh, bad news for those of you who have been longing to read the 140-character thoughts of America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence (“@JLawSweatpants: More like America’s Sweet-fart #LOL #fart #nailedit”). JLaw recently admitted to Nick Grimshaw on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via E!) that you’ll never see her tweeting about pizza or farts or falling asleep to House Hunters at Chris Martin’s house and waking up in a pile of pizza and farts, because she doesn’t know how that internet shit works! LOL SO RILL! But also because she and the internet aren’t exactly on good terms ever since…you know…The Fappening:

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So, The Deaner Sort Of Lost His Shit On Twitter Yesterday

Please don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year, because last night I received the best present I could ever wish for when I opened up Twitter and discovered that my favorite beady-eyed sex possum went trash rat crazy and was throwing around F-bombs like it was two-for-one pitchers of Coors Light night at Hooters. It was the best day of my life; I was like the half-drunk grown-up version of the Nintendo 64 kids.

It all started earlier this week when The Deaner was papped leaving a sex shop in Encino, CA while his wife was laid-up at Cedars-Sinai with an acute case of famewhoreitis. Who knows if he was running errands for himself or if Tori Spelling had asked him to pick up some more lube to help the lies slide out of her mouth easier, but one anonymous person on Twitter thought it was in poor taste and called him out. That’s when The Deaner decided to go full-Deaner and let a bitch know what’s crappenin’:

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Because He Has Nothing Better To Do, Charlie Sheen Got Into A Twitter Fight With RiRi Today

Charlie Sheen, society’s insane meth-smoking human bedbug, decided to celebrate going a week without chugging from the old bottle of Mr. Bubble under the sink by taking his porn star fiancé Brett Rossi out for a nice dinner at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica Wednesday night. While there, Charlie and Brett noticed that Rihanna was also having dinner at Giorgio Baldi. According to Charlie (so take this with both a grain of salt and a shot of penicillin) he sent a request over to RiRi asking if he could introduce his fiancé, who happens to be a huge fan. RiRi replies by politely declining, saying there were too many paps and it wasn’t possible at that time.

This is fine by Charlie, since he claims that meeting RiRi “would have been 84 interminable seconds of chugging Draino and “please kill me now” that I’d never get back” (whatever the hell that means) but not meeting RiRi made Brett Rossi a sad porno panda, so the second they got home he took to Twitter with a delicious bottle of Drano and gave RiRi a piece of his mind. Unless you have an hour to kill and a copy of Rosetta Stone Crackhead, don’t bother attempting to read Charlie’s next-level bonkers Twitter rant. Here are the highlights:

“Sorry we’re not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess (or in this case the Village idiot)”

“See ya on the way down (we always do) and actually, it was a pleasure NOT meeting you”

“I’m guessing you needed those precious 84 seconds to situate that bad wig before you left the restaurant”

He also pulled out that classic joke about Halloween not being for another couple of months (good one, Dad) and reminded her that the reason he’s been around for 31 years is because he always makes time to meet with people. Really? It’s not because cockroaches are notoriously difficult to get rid of?

But because RiRi’s brain was replaced with a half-smoked joint floating in a puddle of stripper booty sweat a long time ago, she decided to fan the crackpipe fires by Photoshopping a pic of her signing an autograph for Charlie Sheen and using it as the background image for her Twitter account (#girlyouneedtogetalife) and tweeting the following:

If that old queen don't get ha diapers out of a bunch…

— Rihanna (@rihanna) May 22, 2014

“That old queen?” Sounds like someone follows Alec Baldwin on Twitter. I’m surprised she didn’t follow that up with a tweet calling him a rude thoughtless little pig (it’s not too late RiRi!)

ICYMI: More Celebrities Read Mean Tweets About Themselves On Jimmy Kimmel Live

While Jimmy Fallon and the staff at The Tonight Show are mainlining Red Bull and pulling all-nighters to think up new ideas for wacky musical shit to do with guests (“I got it! We’ll have Jimmy and Kate Hudson twerk to Baby Got Back, followed by a Brian Williams rap to Eazy-E’s Gimme That Nutt“) Jimmy Kimmel is getting straight to what people want: celebrities getting read to the teeth by a bunch of randoms on Twitter.

When Jimmy Kimmel first started his Celebrities Read Mean Tweets series two years ago, most of the tweets were pretty tame, but this time around, shit got shady. Emma Stone learned that she looks like she smells like cat piss (clearly this person has never seen a picture of someone who actually looks like they smell like cat piss). Courteney Cox learned that she’s a “pussy hoe”. Jeremy Piven learned that there’s someone out there who hopes his dick falls off in public. Ashton Kutcher learned that he needs to get his by a bus as soon as possible (“I’ll get the bus!” – Charlie Sheen).

But the best is when The Texas T-Rex reads “Matthew McConaughey is a dick turd”, then with a confused look on his face asks what a dick turd is, pronouncing “turd” like he’s taking an extra-long hit off a very satisfying bong. Then again, he could be so high, he’s forgotten what a cellphone is. I mean, it’s possible – he is wearing a pinky ring, and that’s the kind of life choice you make after diving head-first into the good shit.